[20sF] Pregnant. Found out (EX!!!) boyfriend [30sM] has a wife.

Background: Known each other for over 2 years through mutual friends, together for a little over a year, lived together for 6 months. I knew he has a kid. I am a single parent myself. But totally missed the signs that he’s married. I don’t know if he’s just THAT good at hiding it or I’m just THAT dumb. I met his kid, his friends, his dad. We were living together for half a year, FFS! Though he only spends 3-4 days with me and never home on the weekends because of “daddy duties.” When I broke the news that I’m pregnant, I’m suddenly met with a “I can’t do this. I’ll lose my family.” Okaaaay. Don’t worry, I already dumped his ass.

Now on to the real problem: he wants to stay involved with the kid. I’m in a position where I can support myself and my kids so I’m not exactly keen on that proposition. I feel like he’s only offering support because he’s guilty and it’s just shut the side chick up money. Also, should I tell his wife? I’m a product of a “broken” family and I know how it’s like losing a dad to an affair. Am I being too nice on him by letting him get away from his responsibilities that easily and not wanting to “ruin” his family?

TL;DR: I’m pregnant, he’s married but wants to play daddy.

EDIT: I’m from the Philippines. Oh the woes of being a third world-er. Thank you all so much for the good advice. Can’t reply to all but do know that I read each and every one of them and are taken into consideration. Thank you again!

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32 thoughts on “[20sF] Pregnant. Found out (EX!!!) boyfriend [30sM] has a wife.

  1. newpinecones February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    This is not about you or him, it’s about the child. What happens with his wife and family is on him.

    See a lawyer and establish legal support. Do not get into discussions about it with him and do not contact his wife, just let your lawyer handle it. Don’t worry about his involvement with the child because once he realizes that you really do not want anything to do with him, he’s not going to stick around.

  2. paleotossaway February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    I don’t know what country you’re in, but you should be getting child support. And when that happens, he won’t be able to keep it from his wife. Were they separated the 6 months you were together? How did he handle that?

  3. Doughchild February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    How far along are you? The wife will find out eventually, especially if file for child support. And if he already has a child, that will be a sibling. Keeping this all apart from his legal family will be impossible, because over 18 years, at some point it will come out. Maybe have a conversation with a family lawyer about what this all will mean for you.

  4. OpalEpal February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    From the PH here too and came from a “broken” family. “Dad” was a womanizer with rich parents. My mom kicked him out and although she let us see him or our grandparents, we never had a relationship. Now that I’m an adult, I am so grateful for my mom and how she protected us from evil (meaning my narcissistic dad and grandma). If you think your ex will be toxic, then by all means, cut all contact if you want. Not everyone is fit to be a parent, especially manipulative, lying sociopaths. Also, we never got child support from him because we don’t want to owe anything from them.

    Now legal wise, you need to establish proof that you had no idea that he was married just in case the wife files a case against you. BUT the wife has to file a case against YOU and her HUSBAND. If he’s supporting them financially, there is a low chance that the wife will file a case.

    This doesn’t stop the wife’s ability to cause a scandal that may lead to losing your job, better start a new job hunt now. Once you’ve transferred to a new job, don’t tell anybody so that the wife can’t just barge in to your new workplace.

    Don’t tell the wife, let him deal with that. Be prepared for the worse. Save a ton for now and don’t expect him to provide you child support, if ever he does, save that money for a rainy day. Don’t allow any unsupervised visits. Lastly, if you haven’t delete facebook/social media for now.

  5. DieuHast February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    I wouldn’t tell his wife. If you were in the States I would have you tell his wife. But you live in a country where you could be sued and fired for being the other woman so maybe it’s best to at least hold off on that. Don’t make any rash decisions yet. In terms of child support I would look at what his rights are if he paid child support versus if he didn’t then weigh those options. He sounds highly manipulative if he could lead a double life like that. I would be careful of what he will try to do if he has more rights from paying child support.

  6. madaquin February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    Between your ex’s friends and father, I’m sure the truth will make its way to his wife. I’d let that one go, in case she goes off the deep end with the news.

    I’d focus on you and your pregnancy first. It’s good you are able to care for your child without his money. He can’t manipulate you if you don’t allow it – you already know what he’s capable of, so I’d keep expectations low with respect to his behavior and motives.

    I’m going to go out in a limb and advise that you move away from him, if you’re able to. That kind of deception and proven absence of good character is only going to make single parenting harder for you, and distance may help to provide a buffer for you and your child.

  7. bigbootymami19 February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    I think some people here are missing the legality of the situation here for his wife. She NEEDS to know. She is legally and financially now tied to whatever he does.. sad I know. please tell her

  8. inkypaige February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    You think the kids are better off in house with a sociopath who manipulates their mother?

  9. JoeHumon February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    So, where did he tell his wife he was when he was with you?

  10. Ryocchi February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    Of course you should tell his wife, asap.

  11. aj4ever February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    I would tell his wife. She deserves to know that her husband is about to have another child in this world.

  12. TheRedgrinGrumbholdt February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    This situation sucks, but it’s not just your kid. It’s also his. He kind of has a legal right to be a part of the kid’s life unless a judge determines you get full custody.

    And I say that even though I was raised by my single mother when my father started another family when I was a few months old. He’s a piece of shit and I want nothing to do with him. But it would have been illegal and wrong for my mom to have kept us separate when I was younger.

  13. kyrira1789 February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    I would go see a lawyer asap. You need to pull out/ print every text between y’all that you have. Sit down and hash this out. Do not tell him a thing until you have made your mind out. Good luck op!

  14. mashleyd February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    Yeah unless you feel some harm would come to you I would absolutely make sure his other family knew what was going on. He made the choice to start two families and you shouldn’t have to feel like the dirty secret family…and while you may not want his support now there may come a time when you need it and your child should be able to know their father without it having to be hidden or secretive. Also his wife needs to know he’s doing this so she can protect herself. You’re probably not the only other woman in his life I’m guessing

  15. osi7 February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    Even tho he might not support himself for long, I still think you should allow him to be a part in the childs life. no child deserves to be takes away from a parent. its there choice to make.

  16. ourdailybooks February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    You are being too nice. He is a bad person and you must not let him get away…

  17. kobillabong February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    Lol I just don’t think if you’re wrecking a child’s home for selfish reasons, you’re supporting them. Agree to disagree.

  18. ButtPyro February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    Do yourself a favor and flush it out.

  19. spoopie_blaylock February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    I know its late in the game, but you never thought of getting an abortion ? Twenty, you already have one kid. I Know you said you could support a kid, what’s your profession ?

  20. nightlywanderer February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    Right now you have to focus on what’s best for you and your child. Like someone else said, it’s going to get back to the wife because of you meeting the friends and father anyway. Besides, I bet anything he’s going to do this again with another woman, and it won’t stay quiet that time.

    Do you think he would be a responsible father? Would he be there for your child? After all these lies and manipulation, can you trust him? If the answer is no, then you know what you need to do. Like I said, focus on what’s best for you and your child. Everyone else can take a hike.

  21. theoneinsidious February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    Firstly, you cant legally stop him from seeing his child just bc you dont want him to. Second, this isnt about your feelings, its about the kid and its a good thing he wants to be involved. Third, mediation would be your best bet to settle this quickly and cheaply. Last, you dont have to file for child support if you dont want to so you dont have to take his money.

  22. insomniagame February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    He is definitely just that good at hiding it. And his father and friends are assholes for not letting you know.

    Tell his wife. She deserves to know that part of the money she is expecting to come into their household is going to be going into somebody else’s household. And maybe the kids will want to know each other.

  23. msjaxon February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    No you don’t tell his wife, that I not your responsibility you only want to do it BC you’re upset.

    Do everything legally,wife will probably find out anyway when he is served. Yes let him be involved regardless of the motives you think he has.

  24. soup_d_up February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    Protect yourself and the child. Accept his support but go ahead and file for child support. Its not your decision to tell his wife. That is his burden to carry. You have to take care of you and your family. Filing for child support could hamper your relationship with him. So don’t make this decision lightly.

  25. Captain-Tac February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    Tell his wife, watch him burn. As for child support, that depends on where you live.

  26. mistike February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    You say you know what it’s like losing a dad. Well, your child deserves to have a father, and your ex has a right to be a father to his child.

    I appreciate that he’s an asshole, and what he did to you is about as wrong as can be. But it’s still his child, and that won’t change, however much you’re pissed at him.

    Now, what happens in his other family and with his wife is not your concern. I’d say that if she ever learns about it, he will have deserved it. But again, that is not your concern – and remember, it’s not just you, hom and his wife. It’s also his other kid.

  27. futurefreedomclub February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    respect and care for your child a bit more. otherwise, it’ll be a long 20 years.

  28. eegrlN February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    Yes you should tell him. You should also let him be a part of the child’s life, barring abuse or anything like that. This isn’t about you and you need to put your feelings aside. Read up on co-parenting, take parenting classes, get a lawyer. But above all else, do what is best for your child, NOT for you.

  29. cleanshavencaveman February 13, 2018 / 5:05 am

    I’d tell her and then see how much he wants to be there for the kid.

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