Me [22F] concerned about my friend’s 22 [F] (2 years) emotional and mental health after her breakup. How can I support her best?

Hi there,

One of my best friends is going though a really difficult break up right now. I’ll call her Sarah and her boyfriend John.

Sarah and John had been dating for around 2.5 years and her and I became friends during our sophomore year of college. We have been getting closer over the years and recently have become best friends. She has confided in me about her family life/friend issues for a while but recently she told me about John’s bi-polar disorder and the toll it had taken on her as well as their relationship. She was very stressed because not only was she dealing with schoolwork and her job, but also trying to help him during his episodes and being a support for him. Despite their struggles, her boyfriend seemed to be improving after being given a new medication.

Two days ago John told Sarah that he wasn’t in a place for a relationship right now and that he didn’t want to hurt her even more. He wanted to fix himself first and suggested that they might be okay after his mental health improves. Sarah is distraught and doesn’t know if she can handle a break with so much uncertainty. They officially said goodbye tonight and she has been very upset all day.

I’ve been trying my best to listen and support her during this time. I have offered to help her with schoolwork, given her food, tried to alleviate some of her concerns. Tonight I saw that she had some horizontal cuts on her wrist and I asked her about them. She immediately pulled her arm away and said “nothing” and tried to change the subject. We were in a night lab class so I couldn’t press the issue further.

She is with her mom right now and I am worried about her. I don’t want her to harm herself further but I also don’t want to bring it up if it will upset her more. I don’t have much experiencing supporting loved ones with mental illness so I would appreciate any insight. I have suggested that she speak to a school counselor as I have done so in the past and found it to be very helpful.

**tl;dr**: My close friend is struggling emotionally and psychologically after her boyfriend broke up with her for his own mental health. I am concerned about her and want to know how to provide her with the best support possible. I care about her a lot and want her to be safe.

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My [32 F] girlfriend cheated on me [26 M] a year ago and has lied to me when I’ve brought it up. Now I found out she lied about how many times, what should I do?

I [26 M] have been with my [32 F] GF for three years and I recently found out two months ago that she cheated on me last summer with someone. I knew it happened and she kept lying to me and wouldn’t be honest until I went through her computer and found out. She treated me like shit for going through her things and finding out but I didn’t have another way.

Recently I’ve been asking her how many times it happened and she said it only happened once, which I am not stupid to believe.

She kept saying once and I just recently found out that it was all summer and he was gone a lot but every time he would come back, they would hang out. I forgave her after finding out but now that this has come up, I don’t know what to do

Any suggestions or experience? Thank you Reddit!


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My ex-GF [F21] and I [M24] spent the last year still in love with eachother, but she just found someone else. Is it possible to be just friends? How do I move on?

So over a year ago, I [M24] broke up with my GF [F21] at the time. We had been in an exclusive relationship for 9 months, but had been sleeping together for almost 2 years. I broke up with her because we were graduating from college and couldn’t find jobs near eachother. We were still in love and had a good relationship, so there was a lot of heartbreak on both sides. Since then, we’ve both acknowledge that the way I handled and initiated the breakup was poor and that really hurt her a lot.

After I moved, we both had a difficult time moving on and we started taking trips to see eachother/going on vacations together almost once a month. We both knew we weren’t exclusive, but neither of us were interested in starting a relationship with someone else, until about a month or two ago. She happened to meet someone she thinks could be her boyfriend, and I just found this out a few days ago. Also, she sent a drunk “I love you” text last week and she said later that even though she was drunk she still meant it.

What do I do now? She says she still wants to be friends, but right now I’m a wreck and I’m working 12 hour shifts for the next 20 days. Do I try and play backseat to this new guy and stay friends? Is it even possible to be just friends with someone you loved as a girlfriend? Or do I just cut her off completely?

Tl;dr: Kept seeing my ex-gf [F21] a year after we broke up (we had a good relationship, but we broke up because I moved), now she’s seeing some else seriously. Do I try to be just friends or cut her out of my life completely?

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[Relationships] Anxiety about my SO getting tattoos?

My girlfriend (F22) and I (M23) have been dating for 2.5 years now, and we’ve been happy throughout. We always pushed honest and open communication, and it’s kept us from anything resembling a “fight”. Which is why this is such a confounding issue.

My girlfriend is very artistic, and is planning on getting a tattoo. For years now I’ve had a lot of anxiety about them. The thought of them, the idea of having to touch one, it bothers me quite a bit. I don’t really understand it, and I have no hate at all for anyone with tattoos, they just make me uncomfortable. I’ve made my discomfort known to her since we started dating, just as she made her plan to get one someday known to me. It’s one issue we never really dealt with, as it seemed far off.

Now she has an opportunity to get some, and it has me pretty freaked out. She had hoped that I would just feel better about it over time, unfortunately I can’t say that I have. The last thing I want is to hold her back from what she wants, and I’ve told her that she should get them regardless of my comfort level. But it does present the problem of course, a permanent thing that could impact a relationship we both treasure.

I’m at a loss as to what should be done. Talking hasn’t lent a solution, and I’m afraid. Has anyone experienced this before/have any advice on what to do?

TL;DR: Anxiety about my girlfriend getting tattoos, please help?

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Me [28F] with my boyfriend [23M] 6 months, he didn’t do anything for Valentine’s day. Is it time to throw in the towel or can I salvage this?

I’ve been dating Evan for about 6 months. We met a little over a year ago. Slight age difference aside, we get along like best friends.

Unfortunately we’ve hit a bit of a rough patch. He went to his home country for about a month around Christmas. At that time I would get the occasional whatsapp message and a pic or two. Every time I tried to skype or video chat, he was busy with friends (always friends, not family). He spent a lot of time partying, drinking, smoking. At the 2.5 week mark, I expressed how I was upset and disappointed with his apparent priorities. He got the idea and we skyped a couple times before he came back.

When he got back I unfortunately discovered a few lies by omission and some unacceptably flirty behavior with a female friend of his in that other country. He didn’t cheat, but it really rubbed me the wrong way that he was so flirty with this girl via text and that he deliberately didn’t want me to find out about it because “[he] was afraid it would upset [me] for nothing”. I feel like it was real borderline red flag behavior but wasn’t sure if my negative reaction was compounded by his absentness while abroad. I struggled with the decision but ultimately decided I wanted to stay together. I told him that I expect open and honest communication, and no unacceptably flirty behavior.

Cut to now. I’ve been mentioning my gift ideas for him for Valentine’s day, to test the waters and see what he might like. I spent about $75 on gifts and made an easy dinner for the both of us. He was a bit late coming out of work and really appreciated the dinner. He loved the gifts I got him. Then he wanted to go work out at the gym. He asked if I’d like to come with and I said I wasn’t sure. I was a bit taken aback that there was no card, nothing for me.

We discussed it after he came back from the gym and he said he doesn’t really believe in Valentine’s day or the materialistic holidays. Which would have been great to know beforehand? I don’t know. Am I over reacting? None of these things alone would be a death blow to the relationship. But when is it time to throw in the towel?

**tl;dr**: Am I too high maintenance or is my boyfriend bleeding this relationship out with all his tiny mistakes?

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How do I (mid 30s m) respond to recent actions/words from cousin (early 30s m)

My cousin Bob has been my best friend since birth. His brother Tom was our roommate in college and I have always been close to him (though never as close as Bob). Bob, myself and my brother John moved to a new state around the same time over a decade ago. Around half a decade ago Tom moved out here as well after losing a job. He lived on my couch rent free for 1.5 years. Not long after Tom moved out here Bob moved away and started a traditional of an annual cousins/friends ski trip to try to keep everyone close.

Since that time Bob, John, Myself, and others on the annual trip have married and started families. I have a wife, toddler, busy job ect. The same can be said about John. Tom is still single and living a different lifestyle. I’ll admit that when we meet up with Tom it is basically always on our terms and what works for us. I’ll admit it is probably selfish that it is always on our terms but I think anyone with a toddler can relate to why even in the best case it wouldn’t be 50-50. Recently Tom has started strongly complaining about this arrangement culminating in him deciding to opt out of the annual ski trip because he “doesn’t want to spend time with people who only want to spend time with him when it is convenient to them”.

Honestly I’m hurt by this. I worry it will hurt my relationship with Bob. I’m willing to make some changes but the event that lead to this final action was him inviting us for a New Years Eve party that would start 30 minutes after our toddler’s bedtime with like 3 days notice. He needs to realize that just doesn’t work.

**tl;dr**: Cousin no longer wants to spend time with my brother and I because our family is prioritized over him. I’m willing to make an effort but don’t think he is being realistic about what effort a husband and father can make.

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Me: [20 M] asks [19 F] if how she feels and she says shes not ready. But still talks long term?

Hey /r/dating_advice ,

Here’s a quick summary of the situation:

– Met in an organization that we are both a part of on campus and have been going on dates for 2 months now. We have slept together already as well. Most recent one was valentines day.
– Me: 20 year old male. Still in college. Have had 2 girlfriends prior to this girl.
– Her: Same age. Also in college. Has a leadership position in the club that requires a lot of her time. Has not had a boyfriend prior to this but have talked to a few guys in the past.
– a little less than a month in, she asked me the “what are we” question. I responded that I was not ready for the title yet and that I wanted to get to know her more first. We established that we are exclusive that night.
– I ask her from time to time where she stands in the relationship to “check in” with her.
– 2-3 weeks ago, I “checked in” and she said that she was not ready for the title yet and wanted to take things slow as it takes her a while to trust others.
– I “check in” with her again on valentines day and she says that she is not ready to be in a relationship as she is too busy. She feels like she would not be able to put in as much effort as she would like. (We are already seeing each other >2 times per week. I feel like it could work but thats just me)
– I then ask her what she is looking for to which she responds “I don’t know” and then restates her reasons as to why she is not ready for a relationship. I say that I am looking for something serious but that I was not yet ready for the title as I still feel like we need to get to know each other more.
– the subject later changes and she continues to talk as if we are still going to be dating for the long run (talking about our futures and careers)
– She is still very responsive to me and texts me back quickly. I do not think that she said that to try and ween herself away from me as we do have a camping trip together planned for next weekend.

My question:

– Can you all help me have a better understanding as to what she wants? I have asked her and she just says “I don’t know”. I do not think that she is losing interest or if she just wants me there for the attention but it is hard to tell given the context. We seem to be doing fine whenever we are together and the conversations seem normal. We are also very intimate with each other when we are together.

I’m confused y’all

**tl;dr**: She says shes not ready but still acts as if we’re going to be dating into the next few months (possible into the next year)

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Me [23 M] with a girl I’ve been seeing [22 F] a couple months, I don’t think shes into me but instead of talking about us, she makes excuses for why she’s too busy to see me.

I don’t think the girl I’m seeing is into me. I haven’t seen her in a couple weeks, and I’ve asked to hangout a few times. I’ve wanted to talk about us, and what we’re doing, but I haven’t mentioned that. She has consistently been giving me reasons (excuses?) why she’s too busy. Granted, I know she has a crazy busy life atm (school, work, etc), so it is possible.

Normally I would think shes just not interested anymore, but she continues to text me daily and even initiate short conversations. So for these reasons I’m really confused. I feel like if I try to get her attention by telling her I want to talk, or its important, or its about us, then she’ll respond with finally breaking it off, so I’m afraid to do that, even though it would resolve everything.

What should I do? Thanks.

**tl;dr**: Girl is too busy to see me yet still talks to me every day. I she interested/how do I found out???

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I [23 M] am a smoker and I don’t want my girlfriend [21 F] to start smoking because of me.

I’m a cigarette smoker and have recently been trying to quit. Whenever I light one, my girlfriend of about 5 months asks for one too. I know she does’t smoke so I would usually say no.

Then she gets angry with me and accuses me of making her decisions for her. I just don’t want her to pick up a bad habit that I’m currently trying to quit. I told her she doesn’t have to smoke to impress me. This has happened with more than one significant other.

How do I tell her I’m trying to get the smoke out of our lives?

tl;dr GF wants to smoke because I do, I’m trying to quit.

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I [23 M] had sex with my [23 F] long time best friend and it really messed things up.

So this girl and I have been best friends for around 8 years. I’ve had feelings for her most of the time we’ve known each other, and I truly thought the feelings were reciprocated. Almost everyone that knows us thought the same.

Last month we met up to hang out, which isn’t out of the ordinary for us. As the night went on, we got to talking about life and love and each other. Things got intimate and we ended up having sex a few times that night. That was the first time we had ever done anything close to that. We had always been open about sex and our sex lives, so I wasn’t too surprised that we hooked up.

The sex really brought out my feelings and had me super emotional for several days after. I ended up calling her and explaining everything to see if maybe we could try dating. She said she loved me but didn’t want to run the risk of ruining what we had. I knew the sex had already done that for me, but I figured I would let it ride for a bit.

A few weeks went by and I really couldn’t take it anymore. Earlier this week I called her again and said that I was completely in love with her and couldn’t bare to have her in my life if we were only friend. I really loved her and wanted to be with her. She ended up flipping this around saying everyone leaves her life and this is just another one and that she knew it was coming. She said that she really loved me and that she was going to prove it by disappearing from my life completely if I couldn’t take only having her as a friend.

I’ve been a wreck since it happened, but I think what I did was necessary. Clearly the feelings aren’t there for her, and it hurts to see her go, but I just feel like she is lying when she says she loves me. Am I being to selfish? Did I go about this the wrong way?

**tl;dr**: Had sex with my best friend, told her I had feelings for her, basically got selfish and made an ultimatum. Was I wrong to go about it how I did?

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