My sister [29F] took my [23f] clothes without permission and went on vacation. This is a pattern.

Title is vague so here’s some backstory.

I recently moved out of my parents’ house in mid December. Some of my items are still there, as complications at my new apartment have kept me from bringing all my furniture and belongings. So I brought over my necessities, and left my summer wardrobe, furniture, and miscellaneous things.

You’d expect all these items to be safe from theft, right? I should be able to trust my family not to ransack my room. But apparently no.

My older sister, who does not live with my parents, texted me one day in early January saying that our mum had put together some clothes for her and she thinks a few of my dresses are in there. She asked if she could take them on her trip coming up in mid February. I asked her which dresses specifically, she told me, and I told her no. Please bring them back.
My reasons for saying no? My sister has a track record of taking my things without permission, and I never see those things again. I also have a strained relationship with her, and really pulled away from it after she asked me for a $2,000 loan in November. This is worth mentioning because I was in the middle of a crisis, I don’t want to go into too much detail. But someone close to me had attempted suicide that night, and at that moment I was under the impression it may have been successful. She saw this as an opportunity that hey, I may no longer need the money I’ve been saving up to move out, and hounded me for a loan.
Also, another reason for saying no: I’m allowed to. No is a complete sentence. They’re my things and I can deny you the permission to take and use them.

So over the course of the next 5 weeks, I keep texting her asking if she’s returned my clothes yet. She keeps brushing it off saying she hasn’t had a chance yet. Which I don’t understand, since my mother still drives her to and from work every day. Again, despite her not living with them. So a week before her trip, after I had gone home to visit and noticed they’re still missing, I texted her. She replied the next day and told me she put them in the car. I trusted her.

I went back home the weekend after she left, to retrieve some items. I had two dresses I wanted to pick up. One for Valentine’s Day, one for my boyfriend’s grandparents’ 50th anniversary party. I could not find them for the life of me.

Now I see her posting pictures of her trip on Instagram. In my clothes. That I specifically told her she was not allowed to take. That she flat out told me she had returned.

I’m just so frustrated, and hurt, and ANGRY. I feel like my no was disrespected and disregarded. I should be allowed to say no. What makes it worse is she had to go through my room and my drawers to get these items. I’m a girl in my 20s, I have some things in my room that should be able to remain private.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting to this all but there’s more backstory that just adds to my hurt. In 2012, our relationship was *very* rocky. I was going through severe depression and struggling with a recent diagnosis of bpd which I have thankfully received treatment for since. But during this, she was physically and mentally abusive towards me. One day I came home to see she had torn my room apart, stolen all my things. My drawers were literally empty. I had a mental breakdown that landed me in emergency psychiatric care. I never saw any of my stuff again and had to rebuild my wardrobe from scratch. So this happening again on a smaller scale just brings up all those feelings.
This may be an unrelated part, but I’m a victim of an assault. She knows this. I have worked my ass off at learning to say no, and being comfortable and confident in saying no. Because I have every right to say no. And she just disregards it, or guilt trips me on how I should do what she’s requesting because she would do it for me.

I’ve been very quiet and haven’t been passive aggressive about this. I’ve let her enjoy her trip as there’s nothing I can currently do to rectify this situation, so getting angry and putting her in a sour mood on vacation does nothing to benefit me or get my stuff back.

I’m just frustrated. I needed to have a good vent, and I needed some outside perspective before I word my final message to her. I don’t know if any of you are familiar with Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), but that’s what I was in to treat my BPD. They teach you a skill called ‘DEAR MAN’ for situations like this, so that’s what I intend on doing once she returns from her trip.

*TL;DR sister continues to take my things without permission, need advice on addressing it effectively and assertively. No longer concerned with maintaining a relationship.

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My [25M] white girlfriend [24F] of six months found out that I have a slight preference for East-Asian women

My girlfriend accidentally stumbled upon my porn folder the other day. It contains quite a bit of porn with Asian women, a majority of it is actually mostly JAV which has a lot of petite, cute actresses who I think are really attractive. She then asked me pretty much outright if I had a fetish for Asian women. I asked her why she’d think that and she brought up the porn she found.

Well I told her that I didn’t but also that I do often find Asian women attractive. It’s more of a bodytype than an ethnicity thing though and fetishizing someone based on their race or traits associated with it is really creepy to me. I just have a preference for small, petite, cute women but it’s true that East-Asian women tend to fit the type much more often. My girlfriend fits that type as well and I do find her beautiful.

I told her all that but she didn’t seem to be completely satisfied with my answer. What I worry about is that she suspects I might prefer to date an Asian woman over her which I wouldn’t want to though since I’m happy with her and I also think that she’s absolutely beautiful, I couldn’t wish for a cuter girlfriend.

I’m not sure if I should try talking to her about it to put her mind at ease or if I should just leave it be.


**tl;dr**: My (white) girlfriend found out that I have a slight preference for East Asian women and might be worried that I would prefer to date an Asian woman over her.

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I [22 F] called the cops on my upstairs neighbors [college aged M/F] and I’m unsure how to proceed

I’m a college student living off campus in an apartment complex inhabited mostly by other students. I live with my boyfriend, and he told me right before the start of the semester that he had seen another couple moving into the apartment above us. We haven’t had any problems with them before today.

This morning, I was woken up because my whole apartment was shaking. The floors here are thin and we can normally hear people walking around, but this was something else entirely. It was so bad that my cat (who’s normally very chill) was scared and hiding. I wasn’t sure what was happening but I kept listening and I could hear the woman screaming and she sounded really scared. It seemed to me like her boyfriend was chasing her around the bedroom. I couldn’t make out most of what she was saying, but I did hear her yell “back off” at him at least three times. There was some general screaming and I could hear her sobbing at one point. This all happened within about ten minutes, but I called the police pretty much immediately because it was scaring me and I was worried she was hurt. By the time they got here it had died down, and after they spoke with the couple they came to talk to me. I told them what I had heard and that it really sounded like this guy was beating the crap out of her, but they said that it was just a young couple in love and that their culture doesn’t allow for physical violence. I’m not sure exactly what that means, but I don’t think anyone’s cultural values have stopped them from beating their SO before. They said that both of my neighbors had denied any sort of violence and that the woman was leaving to grab lunch and cool off for a while. As far as I can tell, she hasn’t come back yet. I’m pretty skeptical of the police response (because seriously, if you’re being abused and the cops ask you that in front of your abuser, are you really going to tell them the truth?) but I don’t think there’s much else they could have done. However, I’m pretty upset about what happened, as I’m 99% sure he was hitting her. What can I do to let her know that she’s not alone? Obviously if it happens again my boyfriend and I won’t hesitate to call the police, but I want her to know that someone is looking out for her in the meantime. So for those who have been victims of domestic violence, what was something a neighbor did or could have done to support you?

tl;dr: I called the police on the couple upstairs because I thought he was physically abusing her. They both denied it to the cops, but I know what I heard. What can I do to help?

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I’m [18F] moving to a residential college, my divorced parents [50M, 51F] have me torn… please help

I’m (18F) headed off to university and I’ve been accepted into a residential college on campus. Thing is, it’s quite expensive, but because it’s important to my Dad (50M) that I go, he’s paying for it. It’s a fairly significant amount of money.

My parents have been divorced since I was 6, and my dad’s wife now, my stepmother (50F) and I are quite close. My parents’ divorce was amicable and they never disagreed in front of me.

I’ve always lived in a joint custody arrangement, wherein I spend equal amounts of time with both parents. But now I’m moving to college, I’m having to pack my stuff and clear things out of both rooms.

I went back to my mother’s (51F) to clean out my room to a point where mum can use it as a guest room. I thought it made logical sense for me to have everything packed ready to go for my dad to load up into the car, and to meet my mother and I there. That made sense, because that’s happening in two days and I’m at my mum’s house. Right?

No. My stepmother rarely asks me to do things of this nature, but she is strongly urging me to go down with my dad. I’m going to the same college and university he went to. I was talking to mum at the same time, because I was lost. My stepmother was saying that she really thinks that it would mean a lot for my dad if I asked that of him.

Now my mother. She has a really injured shoulder at the moment, and can’t lift any of the bags that’ll be packed into the car. I have some options and I am so beyond lost on what to do. There’s a bit of a drive and my parents will be joining me for a lunch held by the college.

1. I can go with my mother and meet my father there with the bags I packed from his house. This makes sense because it’ll mean I’m not moving around right before a big move. Stepmother says no because she thinks Dad will be hurt, and will want to have this experience with me.

2. I can go with my father, deposit my bags in his car so mum doesn’t have to lift anything and meet mum there. This would mean mum wouldn’t have to contend with her shoulder, but she said that she would feel excluded from the experience in this scenario.

3. Mum or Dad take either one of their cars, load up at one house and pick the other parent up at the other house. This would mean one car has all the stuff, means Mum isn’t dealing with heavy bags and means Dad is still going there with me. Stepmother said that dad really wouldn’t be comfortable with driving to the college with my mother. Mum is okay with this scenario.

I don’t know what to do. This event is important for both of my parents because it’s me leaving the nest. It’s important for dad because I’m going to his college and his university but mum didn’t have any of these experiences…

Please help. I don’t know how to make everyone happy. I just want both my parents there when I take this next step…

** TL;DR: going to move to live at university. Divorced parents and stepmother have me conflicted. I can’t go with just one parent because that would hurt the other but they won’t go in the same car. **

View Reddit by youDingDongView Source

My mom is cheating on my dad and she expects me (28F) to not be upset with her about it. Is it really not my business to be upset?

Warning it’s a little long but I’ve tried shortening this a bit! So it’s been a year or so that my mom started having this affair with a guy who lives in her home country. We currently live in the United States. My parents (50s) have been living here for 30 years now.

The affair started by meeting through WhatsApp in 2016, where she reconnected with a bunch of old classmates and friends back in her country. She hadn’t been in her country in 20 years at that point. That’s where my family noticed how glued she was to her phone. Then in Feb of 2017, she goes to her country to attend a high school reunion and visit family. She was only supposed to be gone a month, but kept extending her stay each month until she basically had to force herself to come back to attend her sister’s wedding in May. She looked miserable coming home but I sympathized with her because it was, after all, where she grew up.

So in June, I get a call from my sister because she and our dad found out that my mom’s been cheating on him. She met with the guy in her country and spent time together, and that’s who she’d been chatting with on WhatsApp this whole time. When my dad confronted her, she admitted and blamed the failing marriage. She was in love with this new MARRIED man. Let me just add that for years, my sisters and I noticed my mom’s unhappiness. She basically just wasn’t happy with who my dad is and apparently, never was. He’s a good man, responsible, has a good paying job to where my mom doesn’t have to work. I’ve heard her complain “why can’t your dad be like this or do this for me”. She wouldn’t show much appreciation when he did something for her because “it wasn’t what she wanted”. She felt like my dad didn’t “feed” the relationship, but my mom is a little controlling to where she tells my dad to not act certain ways. It’s a long story.

My dad told her they can divorce and she can do whatever she wants, but she refused. She said she’d quit talking to the guy and work on their marriage and my father forgave her. Well months go by she returns to her home country and sees this guy again!!! She gave other reasons for returning but she was using it as an excuse. Mind you, my father has been paying this credit card bill she racked up in her four months of vacation!!! He forgives her again. I had a talk with my dad about this and told him he’s being disrespected and he’s just all confused and heartbroken. And last month I find out my mom’s still been talking with the guy (through phone for now since she’s in the U.S. with us). My dad kinda snooped in on her calls (which is wrong) but he lost trust in my mom. So he basically found out she’s still in love with the guy and wants to see him again and that she’s just not happy here at all.

I recently broke up with my bf of 6 years, moved back home to my parents, going through my personal issues and changing careers, and suffering from a phobia that causes me anxiety and OCD. After I found this out, I kinda flipped. I started seeing a therapist and I’m trying to learn to cope with all these things going on.

The reason I’m really upset about my mother is that 1.) She’s lying to my dad, but still feels like she has the right to nag at him, give him silent treatments if he upsets her, etc., 2.) I feel like she’s using my dad for financial support. She doesn’t want to leave my dad because she’s “comfortable” with him. He pays for everything!!! She’s afraid to be single. She doesn’t have to work. She’s only got a tiny part time job for now. 3.) She says she doesn’t wanna throw 30 years away but she fucking threw it away when she cheated and lied. And continues to lie. 4.) I finally tried to talk to her about it last week and told her I knew about the affair and I told her it’s not fair to my dad. She, at that point, told me to not talk about it and that it’s none of my business. So of course, I hadn’t been the happiest person these days going through my breakup, emotions, everything. But my mom is worried that I’m angry at her for this affair. She doesn’t want me to be angry at her!!! Of course I’m angry. I’m bothered how both of them are suffering and I have to witness this. I suggested therapy for both of them.

I wish I could move out but I don’t have the money for it. I’ve done what I thought I could here. But knowing what I know, I can’t help but feel anger and upset for how all this is going down. Am I really supposed to just drop it all and not be upset by it? I asked my mom if she’s still communicating with the guy and she still is. My mom doesn’t want me to be mad at her simply because I’m the daughter and it’s none of my business. So she wants me to drop it. I love both of my parents. They’re both great parents to me and my sisters but they’re both suffering, especially my dad.


**tl;dr**: I’m basically not allowed to be upset with my mom for having and STILL having an affair and lying to my dad. She refuses to get divorced cause she’s afraid to be finally independent and is ‘comfortable’ with my dad. I don’t know what to do but feel disappointed. I can’t do anything because this is technically none of business. My mom wants me to not be upset with her over this and just act like everything’s okay, while knowing my dad is stressed and suffering. I’m already seeing a therapist. Am I wrong for being upset??

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Is it weird of me [15 F] to think my dad the ideal kind of man I want to be with? My friends seem to think it is.

We were talking about this and that guy and one of them asked who would you say is your ideal man. I was the first and said my dad almost immediately, like I didn’t even think about for a second.

They all went eewww or whatever and told me they meant more like celebrities or other people we all know and kinda gave me a hard time about it for a while.

I mean it’s not *that* weird right? RIGHT?

i think he’s super kind to mom and I and is like this big safe presence. He also does chores around the house which from what other people told me is super rare apparently?! I wouldn’t know.

Anyway does this make me weird somehow?


**tl;dr**: I think my dad is the ideal kind of man I’d like to find someday and my friends think that’s weird and gave a hard time about it. is it weird?

View Reddit by LongjumpingDustView Source

My [22F] sexual orientation has changed and I don’t know what to do.

I’m trans. I started dating the same person a little over 4 years ago before I transitioned. I love them, and they love me. I always knew I was bisexual, but I have never done anything with a guy before. As I’ve transitioned, I realized that I can see myself as a woman with a man, but not as a man with a man, which has REALLY skyrocketed my attraction to men and male genitalia. I love women, but have never been into vaginas. Does anyone remember that episode of HIMYM where Wayne Brady’s character hasn’t yet realized that he’s gay, and says how gross vaginas are? That always resonated with me. Anyways, I love my SO an incredible amount. We are awesome together, but our sex life is dead, and I don’t know how much I want to try to revive it. I don’t want to end things, but I feel like I should. I love them to death, and can’t imagine being without them, not to mention the fact that they were raised by their grandparents and have abandonment issues. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve talked to them about it but it feels like we’re kind of in a stalemate.


tl;dr: trans, orientation has become more pronounced, not attracted to current partner but love them like crazy. What do I do?

View Reddit by ocothrowawayView Source

I’m a [27 M], my Dad is [58 M]. He said he’s not going to my wedding to avoid family drama, I said I think its a good idea. A week later he is mad that I’m “against him” because I agreed with him.

Basically he doesn’t get along with anyone in the family and is convinced everyone is against him. I was toying with the idea of not inviting him to my wedding for a lot of reasons. Mainly it would make things easier because he doesn’t get along with literally everyone else in my family. Also he’s pretty religions and there will be no church, no pastor, no prayer, and alcohol. So he’ll be judgmental of everything.

.

He got into (yet another) fight with someone in my family and called me and said I’m sorry but I’m not going to come to the wedding. I basically said good, I’d rather my fiance and I do something special with you instead of making everyone uncomfortable at my wedding. Now he’s acting super hurt because I was thinking the same thing he was! Here are 4 of the messages: https://imgur.com/a/E67WU


**tl;dr**: How do I respond and handle this….

View Reddit by goppeldangerView Source

My boyfriend (21M) didn’t get me (19F) anything for Valentines day/3 year anniversary.

I’m sorry if the titles kind of long, this post probably will be too.

Yesterday was Valentines and also me and my BFs 3rd Anniversary. We both agree this is a special day. I spent all day the day previous making him some of his favorite foods, I bought him a stuffed animal, chocolates, and two cards. I was really really excited, I love him so much and love the chance to show him. We had plans to go out so he new it was a special day. I didn’t get anything at all, not even a card or a flower. I figured maybe he had a surprise, like special dinner or something of the sort. But then we went out, we found a random place to eat dinner, and I ended up being the one to pay :/ I didn’t have a terrible day, but it also didn’t feel like a special day.

This also isn’t the first year something like this has happened, or holiday. I always go all out to get him things I know he’d love or make him special foods, I try to make presents really heartfelt for everyone in my life. But this previous Christmas he bought me a pair of men’s size large slipper socks, and the one before that his mom actually picked out all of my gifts “from him”. Last valentines he gave me a plate of leftover chocolate from a baking class he took, but im lactose intolerant.

I don’t want to be materialistic or high maintenance but I feel like I’ve been trying really hard and maybe he just doesn’t care about our relationship or want to put in the effort. Is this a reasonable reaction, or am I just overreacting?

TLDR; My BF didn’t get me anything for Valentines day but I went all out. This isn’t the first time this has happened and I’m worried he doesn’t care about our relationship

View Reddit by FormaldehydeXView Source

I [20M] accidentally found out that my dad [43M] is hiring escorts and potentially using drugs.

I recently needed to get a contact off of my dad’s phone when I noticed that he had a number of other “free texting”/calling” apps. I thought this was unusual so I checked them out and they were all messages with escorts asking about rates and potential times to meet up.

Devastated, I searched through his internet history (which I know is bad and invades his privacy but I was so shocked) and found backpage ads for escorts and different questions regarding drug withdrawls.

I dont think my mother [42F] knows about this and am now afraid that I might be the only one in the family who knows about my dad’s secret. My dad has always been a clean cut guy and is a supportive father to our family of 4 (I also have a sister [11F]).

I really don’t know what to do going forward so any advice would be useful.

**Edit** : my parents are about to leave for a month long vacation ( I can’t go because of school ) so I’m hesitating to tell them before or after they come back

**tl;dr**: Found out my dad is hiring escorts and potentially using drugs. Would like some advice on what to do going forward

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