I [25M] found my girlfriend’s [25F] nudes on reddit and don’t know how to handle it

My girlfriend and I will have been together for 2 years and 4 months by the end of the month. She’s the love of my life and my #1 best friend. We initially met through a mutual friend at a party and hit it off immediately because we have so much in common. I love her dearly, and I know she loves me too. However, things are much tougher than I expected.

Around 9 months ago, I learned from her in conversation that she enjoys looking at photos on a few different NSFW sub-reddits. This didn’t bother me, and, if anything, I thought it was hot because I sometimes liked to do the same. I asked her if she had ever posted on any of those sub-reddits, and she quickly assured me that she never had. I believed her.

About two weeks ago, my girlfriend and I were attending a hockey game together. She took the day off of work and we drove out to watch our Islanders play. By the end of the second period, we were getting the crap kicked out of us, so we distracted ourselves by redditing on her phone. We do this sorta thing all of the time, so when she eventually nodded off, I continued to use her phone.

After scrolling through Reddit for another ten minutes or so, curiosity got the best of me, and I made the mistake of looking at her post history. I wasn’t in search of anything really, but was just interested on a whim. My discovery made me nauseous.

I found that she had been posting photos of herself nude on many different NSFW sub-reddits for well over a year now. I also discovered several PMs between her and other redditers sending inappropriate messages back and forth. This hurt me badly, but what bothered me most was her lie from months ago.

I tried to hold this inside of me at the moment because I wanted it to digest before I said anything too rash. The game ended, and we travelled home. During our ride, she could tell something was off in my mental and kept asking me about it. Finally, when we arrived at home, I told her about what I had found, and the tears began to fall. She apologized and cried and begged me for my forgiveness. I can tell she really cares about me, regardless of her ability to casually lie and hide this from me.

I feel betrayed, even though I don’t know if I should. I don’t believe she would ever actually cheat on me, and I think this was just her way of having fun whenever she felt a little horny. She never literally cheated on me, even though it still feels like she did. I can’t believe that she’d ever do something like this in the first place, so I’m feeling pretty lost mentally.

We just started living together and we spend every night together, but I have spent the last three nights at my parents’ house to give myself some space and consider this situation fully. I’d like to forgive her, but I’m having trouble coming to terms with what she’s done. So many questions fester inside of me that I simply cannot answer. Am I overreacting? Is there any thing else she’s hiding? Do I need time apart from her? Am I capable of forgiving her? I need help, reddit.

TL;DR- My girlfriend lied to me about posting her nudes on reddit.

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44 thoughts on “I [25M] found my girlfriend’s [25F] nudes on reddit and don’t know how to handle it

  1. TomLube February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    Yeah, that’s pretty rough. The nudes I’d even be willing to overlook (Despite her lying about it) but messaging people back and fourth is pretty fucking rough. I don’t think that’s cool unless you’ve talked about it in advance (Which you clearly didn’t)

  2. Alauraize February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    This sounds like cheating to me. Some people may think differently, but what she was doing sounds uncomfortably close to sexting. Sharing nudes online is one thing (although she probably should’ve ask your thoughts on it once your relationship started). Using PMs to sext about said nudes is quite another.

  3. ConsciousPI February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    That’s cheating unless she specifically cleared it with you first, which she obviously didn’t.

    You have no idea what else she is hiding, and you know she’s capable of lying to you for a prolonged period of time.

    This relationship is dead, and your best option for both of you is to break up with her.

  4. SaladFairy February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    She did cheat on you. Sexting other people is not okay if you’ve agreed to be exclusive and haven’t explicitly okayed it. You don’t even have to be okay with your SO posting nudes online. While one doesn’t own their SO’s body and can’t make them stop if they don’t want to, you fully have the right to not want to date someone who does that. Personally, I’d feel too betrayed to continue the relationship if someone agreed to be exclusive with me and posted nudes online (outside medical context) after that without bringing it up. She flat out lied about it.

    You’re not overreacting. It’s very reasonable to not want your SO to show other people their naked body for sexual reasons or validation. This would be a dealbreaker for many people.

    I personally wouldn’t be able to trust her ever again, no matter how open and transparent she’s willing to be after this incident, because she seems to regret not hiding it better rather than regretting cheating on you because she did it multiple times and she never brought it up. She knew that what she was doing was bad because she was panicking when you confronted her about it.

    She was actively choosing to betray you multiple times because she cares less about betraying your trust and hurting you (if you find out) than how good cheating makes her feel. Being loyal to you and making you happy was not her priority and I wouldn’t expect that to change because it happened multiple times and because she lied to you about something so important. Even if she never does it again, it would likely be because she’s paranoid that you’d find out rather than because she wants to stay loyal to you.

    If you still feel like spending the rest of your life with her and feel like you’ll likely be able to get past this, it may be worth trying to overcome this breach of trust. I would just make sure you’re not just staying with her because of the sunk cost fallacy, because there’s other girls out there that can be your loving SO and your best friend, that would never get close to cheating on you, and that would care more about your feelings and trust than feeling a rush of excitement.

  5. valicat February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    This is cheating. This is something my husband and I have even specifically discussed when considering what we each thought constituted cheating. We were both fully in agreement that messaging people on the internet for the purposes of sexual gratification is completely cheating, regardless of context.

    Most people would agree, it would be more unusual if you didn’t consider that cheating, unless you were okay with that sort of thing in your relationship and it wasn’t “cheating” because it’s an open relationship

  6. BittenIntoSubmission February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    I do think this is definitely worth a calm adult conversation so that you both can talk out how you feel.

    HOWEVER

    As a woman who posts nudies on Reddit myself, I never sext anyone who messages me (because my monogamous partner and I feel that that is cheating), and I would never lie about it and I had let my partner know upfront that I enjoyed this activity (overall, it’s not great to date liars!). If this is the only thing she’s lied about, absolutely talk to her. If you find out that she’s lied about more…you may not be in the best situation.

  7. CanadianFemale February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    You’re not over-reacting. She *lied* to you about something very serious. It’s different if you know about it, but this is definitely a form of cheating. Deceit. It shows her character, that she’s willing to lie, deceive, and be sexually inappropriate while in a committed, monogamous relationship… not to mention that posting nude photos could come back to bite her in the butt one day, with employment opportunities.

  8. BustyCrusty February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    I’d consider it cheating definitely. If she didn’t feel comfortable sharing it with you, there’s a reason why. You did not agree this was okay, and she knew you wouldn’t so she hid it. The only reason I could see her posting on nsfw subreddits AND sexting people from them is that she likes the attention and validation she feels. And if her self confidence is so low that she needs random, anonymous men to make her feel good about her body then she should seek out a therapist for help. If you really want to stay with her, you should get into couples counselling to salvage this, but it’s up to you if you stay with her or not. Good luck OP, cheating is heartbreaking and my heart goes out to you.

  9. reidsern89 February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    Just consider for a second marrying this woman, and 10 years later it’s more then just Reddit nudes and conversations. Gtfo

  10. Spazzie1821 February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    She cheated.worst part is she wouldn’t have told you…you found out. Imagine how much longer this could have gone on…the trust is broken. Find a girl who does post nudes of herself online during a relationship

  11. 5p0oKy8o0giE February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    Why would you be overreacting? She was posting nudes and chatting with strangers behind your back. That’s cheating in my book. So no, you’re not overreacting. In fact, I’d sooner say you’re *under*reacting.

  12. xcupcakekitten February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    So has she been posting/sexting guys while you’ve been dating or just before?

  13. BeastlyMe7 February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    If I did this and my boyfriend found out, he would leave me. What a tremendous betrayal of trust. It is a betrayal of trust because she knows you wouldn’t have been okay with it and did it anyway. That is the important part here. That makes it cheating. Let me repeat, she knows you wouldn’t have been okay with it so she never told you and did it for a year. She only says she’s sorry because you caught her. She’s not actually sorry.

  14. Sensual_Bagel February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    While I’m late to the party you should end things, I used to post nudes and when I met my now husband I was extremely upfront about it. He was uncomfortable with it so I stopped.

    She’s posting things behind your back and very obviously cheating on you, if it’s been over a year she’s been doing this it’s obvious she has no problem lying to you. That isn’t healthy at all and you’re asking for a toxic relationship.

    This is just my opinion but if you stayed what would it take for you to regain your trust in her? Going through her phone constantly? Monitoring what she’s doing? That isn’t something you want to deal with. You’ll become paranoid and constantly think she’s up to no good.

    I’m very sorry this has happened to you but time does heal all wounds and you will meet someone better. <3

  15. dreamed-a-dream February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    That’s a really shitty situation and I’m sorry you’re going through it. Personally, I would never be able to forgive someone who could so easily lie to my face while sexting behind my back. I’d never be able to trust anything they said again and I never want to be in a relationship where I constantly need proof of my SO’s honesty.

  16. WraithTwelve February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    I know it sucks, but ending it now will save more pain in the future. She lied to you and would be perfectly fine with continuing to do things behind your back for god knows how long. She’s only upset that she got caught.

  17. NewJerseyFreakshow February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    > I can tell she really cares about me, regardless of her ability to casually lie and hide this from me.

    Sorry but ROFL. If I had a dime for everytime I heard this.

  18. xtentative February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    Pretty sure this story is the work of one of the self-confessed trolls of this subreddit.

  19. catsnlacquer February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    I see three issues here.
    1) She’s posting nudes. First of all, yes it’s her body and she gets to decide what to do with it, but relationships are about considering your partner’s feelings. You have every right to discuss where your boundary is on this, and she can decide if she accepts it or not. Look , I had an ex who actually got shitty at me and started fights because I **wouldn’t** do this. Some partners are ok with it, some partners get turned on by it, some partners don’t like it. It’s up to you to decide how you feel. Don’t let anyone tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel about this.
    2) She lied. At least, it seems like she did. When did you ask her if she posts and when did she start posting? If she started posting after you asked her and she said no, I guess that’s still lying by omission because she didn’t tell you about it.
    3) and this, to me, is the biggest thing here. She’s communicating with people. Again, you get to set the boundaries within your relationship and you shouldn’t let people tell you what is right and what is wrong, but most people consider any kind of interaction with other people to be cheating.

    So I think you need to look at these three issues and decide what you want to do from there.

  20. silan11224 February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    If is she is showing nudes to a bunch of randoms on the internet for attention what do you think she will do when the hot co-worker shows some interest in her?

    Some people value attention and validation from random people over their own BF, these people are not the ones you should date.

  21. godrestsinreason February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    Deal with this how you deal with it, but the tears didn’t start falling until you called her out for sexting other dudes.

  22. PlebPlayer February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    Been there done that. I had a girl who I dated who posted nudes. In the beginning of the relationship I let her know I was not okay with that as I knew she had done it before (we figured out each other’s reddit account early on). She stopped posting nudes. On that account.

    Turns out she pretty much immediately just made a new account and was smarter about hiding it. Not to generalize because of course everyone is different but it left a inherent distrust of people who post nudes online as they post probably for a reason. When I confronted my ex she tried gas lighting me by saying I don’t control her body. That was unfair because this boundary we talked about it and she clearly hid/lied about it all.

    Eventually I tried to forgive her but I had this big distrust and asked more questions. I wanted more validation she was over it. Then she broke up with me and I am pretty sure she cheated on me because she was dating a guy immediately after and moved in with him. I moved on from that but there were quite a few warning signs. I was hesitant if I would ever trust someone again but I did and found someone who more aligns with me. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible and if you don’t want your SO posting nudes online, I think that is a very perfectly normal societal boundary and you should try and find someone who matches with you on that.

  23. RikerOmega3 February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    Bub, if you are not ok with what she is doing, tell her as much.

    But make sure you are calm and mature about it

    You found her pictures, and while you don’t morally have a problem with it, you do have a problem with her doing it behind your back. (This doesn’t have to be true but you are trying to avoid her being able to claim you are slut shaming her)

    And That you consider it to be cheating REGARDLESS of whether or not she sees it as cheating

    And as such, you are walking away

    No shouting, no righteous anger.

    How you handle situations reflects who you are as a human being.

    Anger will only serve to make her look like a victim, and if so inclined, she can play the victim role and make you look bad to your friends and family

    But if you are mature, and only focus on the deception and her doing these things behind your back and outside the boundaries of a monogamous relationship…then no matter what story she tries to tell people, they will always understand and most likely agree with your decision

    I know its weird to think about perception during a breakup but we live in a weird time right now and its best to just cover yourself

  24. bros--n--mojitos February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    Hi, I’m a girl who posts nudes on Reddit! While this is a new account, I’ve been posting lewds/nudes since I turned 18. I also have a significant other of almost two years. When it came up, I told him where and what I post. My SO doesn’t own my body and doesn’t have the deciding vote on whether I post nudes or not, but we are in a relationship and in the spirit of respect and communication I was open about this with him. But not everyone tells the truth all the time, and she may have had her reasons for keeping it from you (whether it be out of fear of your reaction, self-consciousness, etc).

    With that said, I also don’t think your emotions – especially about the messages – are invalid. If she had discussed it with you beforehand and let you know that this is how she wants to get her rocks off, cool, hats off to her. No, it’s not physically cheating. But if my SO was sexting with someone, even someone he didn’t know in person, I’d feel pretty shitty; for me personally, it crosses a boundary. When getting into sexual territory, including online, it’s pretty important to have a conversation about boundaries because it can hurt an SO like it did you.

    I don’t think this has to be a relationship ender; I think it was a bad judgment call on her part resulting in a loss of trust. However, it is up to you whether you feel like you can forgive her or not. I don’t think her intent was to hurt you, but we do things and sometimes it does end up with unintended consequences. Take some time and think about if you feel you can repair your relationship; and if so, the steps you need to take in order to do so. Rebuilding trust can be pretty hard if it’s broken but if she’s willing to work with you and be transparent going forward I think it’s worth spending some time mulling it over. I wish you the best of luck.

  25. Lis456 February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    Whats t hat saying.. cant turn a … into a…? 😂 seriously tho when are you going to leave.. when she starts meeting up and banging the guys from reddit?

  26. tastelikesunshine February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    Your handling this very grown up bro … Congrats and I would advise you to tell her not to lie to you any more and then do it together… Exchange nudes with other couples if that’s what your into … Tell her to be honest about everything that turns her on … You don’t know what you don’t know … Don’t let her feel embarrassed and give her what she wants short of fucking another man and you watching cuckhold type stuff … But really to each their own ya know so do what makes you happy … But number one rule is be honest from here out and deal with the desires that each of you have in life … It’s short ya know so live with passion and make it count

  27. antioch75 February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    So it seems that her lie, not necessarily posting the nudes is what most bothers you?
    Also the messaging I am guessing.
    This is up to you, I am not going to say break up or stay together.
    However I do have to ask, what has she been doing for these days?
    You know her Reddit id, has she still been posting? Has she deleted everything?
    If you do feel it is cheating, then it will take a lot of time to rebuild trust.

  28. MisterIceGuy February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    Whether or not she is a “cheater” is fairly subjective, but it’s a fact she is a straight up liar.

  29. Alt_Boogeyman February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    It’s only cheating if you consider it so within the context of your relationship. The photos don’t sound like a big deal but the sexting seems problematic.

  30. reveriecreep February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    It’s definitely cheating man, maybe not to some people, but posting nudes and the chatting are both deal breakers for me. It’s normal to be upset with this, youre not overreacting at all

  31. techniclr February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    I dunno, just another perspective, despite seeing all the similar comments buried: To her, doing these things was probably like masturbation, or watching porn – and not like cheating. You know, something she does specifically for herself. She was probably too embarrassed to tell you when asked. Also, sometimes it’s healthy to have some things entirely to yourself, when you share everything else with your significant other. Your relationship sounds really good otherwise, try to talk it out and see if you can rebuild your trust.

  32. QueenKarenBGKY February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    Devil’s advocate here, there is a reason that she chose the dishonesty. Whether there a point in time when she picked up on your opinions regarding that sort of posting or she is deeply ashamed of her own exhibitionist desires and she views herself as a deviant. Fantasy is just fantasy. If she really enjoys that, it would be counterproductive to make her feel more ashamed for it. If you do continue the relationship, she’ll be more likely abstain at first, but eventually return to the kink, going pro at hiding it and loathing herself – which could definitely lead to more dangerous outlets.

    So…
    If it were my situation, I’d try to get to the root of why she does it and what made her feel like she had to be dishonest. I’d directly ask what her personal benefit from it is. The first answer will probably be “I don’t know.” – potentially a true answer. Could be low self esteem and she feels good after the ego boost of being desired by a stranger. Only she really knows. In order to get truth (if you want to get it), you’ll have to approach with forgiveness for her lie and acceptance of the conversation that follows. Give her a opportunity to openly discuss it without fear of judgement or opinionated rebuttal. She’ll open up more about it once she sees you’re not going to lose your shit having this talk.

    The alternative is calling it quits and moving on. It’s hard to get past dishonesty like that.

    Good luck.

  33. diggydiggydigdig February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    While it is dishonest of her, if she admits that she’s wrong it means that she knows she wasnt being honest.

    Is this is deal breaker? Not for me. I think a healthy celebration of sexuality is a wonderful thing. Maybe you could do it together. If not posting nudes together, maybe you could support her in this facet of her sexuality. Lets be honest here, its validating and thilling to have people find you attractive and say so. To me, this isnt the end of anything.

    I know you may not subscribe to this line of thought very much, but I honestly dont think your relationship is broken.

    I think you need to talk about what posting nudes means to her and how much you are comfortable with her doing it. Maybe you could work out a system, a set of rules that both of you find agreeable that will allow her to keep posting without it hurting either of you.

    I really hope the best for you and I hope you guy can talk it out in a way that does justice to your relationship and feelings for each other.

  34. Zenopus February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    and I think this was just her way of having fun whenever she felt a little horny.

    I would say you need to her side of the story. You need to understand why she would do such a thing. No, she didn’t cheat in the physical sense, but from an emotional perspective; I’d say she did.

    I think you should also consider if you can even trust her after this. If you go forward with your relationship, will you be able to NOT consider if she’s hiding something from you? If the answer to that is no, then you’ll never be able to rest in your relationship again. From my point of view: She did break your trust and being able to hide it so well does provide more questions to her as a person.

  35. kungfupanda70 February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    Does she share photos with you? Does she send you pic?

  36. PurplePebblePig February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    When you say sexting, do you mean a few flirty messages, or like actually sex text?

    Also I don’t think that a lot of people think of talking to strangers like that as talking to an actual person, they think of it more like text porn. And it’s ok for your girlfriend to watch porn right?

    And the reason she didn’t tell you might not be because she thought it was cheating, maybe it was shame. You know like sometimes when you’re watching really filthy porn that you love while you’re horny, and then when you come you feel really disgusted and put it away?

    There could be other reasons behind her actions, but you’ve got to talk to her about it. It seems like you guys have a really lovely relationship, and it would be a shame to ruin it over something like this without having some serious discussions. Maybe this can actually be good for you.

  37. MeepoXL February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    The lying sucks, sure.. But really, she’s just after a bit of attention when she is horny. So what?

    If she’s messaging local guys saying she wants to hook up or something, that would be highly concerning.

    If she’s getting off on the attention from a guy on the other side of the world in Australia, so what?

    Ultimately we see things differently.

    Perhaps I have a more positive view on sexual expression and sexual needs. I think it would be insane to think your partner will get 100% everything she needs sexually from you alone.

    I think this is all rather harmless.

  38. machado1766 February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    “…she could tell a something was off in my mental…”

    Is this how people talk nowadays?

  39. quickcrow February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    I have 2 food-for-thought points that don’t conflict, but take different angles on the issue.

    1) This behavior might strike up some thoughts of “Am I not enough for her? Why does she have to go looking elsewhere?” etc. But from a certain angle, you have to understand that this can all be ‘pretend’ in the sense that its anonymous and relatively innocent. If you never made clear an expectation that you didn’t want her to do this, its really just the Mimicry dimension of play. She’s assuming an internet persona (see: dressing up and playing pretend) that she’s X and Y and desirable to all these internet people that she’ll never actually meet or hook up with. Sure its a bit naughty, and the lying is certainly a sight she didn’t think it was totally okay, but if that isn’t how she defines cheating; she was never unfaithful to you and was just playing a role/playing a game. Being exclusive with someone isn’t the same as owning them or owning their actions, and you need to make your expectations clear to someone before you can be justified in feeling they wronged you. (If I had a rule that I didn’t tell you about, and then I acted like you tried to hurt my feelings when you broke it, that would be unfair.)

    2) She kept a secret, and directly lied. Now, I’m assuming you both live in the West. Like it or not, Western culture has a puritanical streak, and thus anything to do with the sexual nature of our bodies is considered sacred and private. So if she grew up in this culture, even if she’s a more free-spirited/liberated person who thinks those puritanical perspectives are unfair, she understood the implications of showing her body like that, and what the people on the other end were expecting. So the point to this perspective is: This Is Where It Looks Like Cheating. She knew sharing her body was exposing something sacred, and that her monogamy to you was being tested by letting other people see what society expects her to keep private and give only you. So even if she thinks the world needs free love and that naked pictures shouldn’t be a big deal, she knew what she was doing would be seen as wrong by you, and maybe others.

    Either way, I think you have a communication problem where you aren’t on the same page about what is okay or not okay, what you expect in the relationship, etc.

  40. muchmu February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    .hi dude I don’t consider it cheating.. She loves you and this is more important. Get back to her and forgive her

  41. Sereous313 February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    My answer neither of you will like but it has to happen. I would forgive her because she seems like a great girl and your living together. You have to ask yourself are you in a grown up relationship or not? If so this cab be talked thorough, I’m sure you have lied to her about something in the past.

    New rules would be you either both get rid of Reddit or create a new common user and share it. Once again adult relationship requires compromise. I don’t think she has cheated on you either, most girls just do it for the thrill. Hopefully you make her feel desired enough that she doesnt need filthy talk from strangers.

    You have a classic case of a person living
    behind the keyboard not thinking it will effect her real life. In our generation this is a very real thing, people have two different lives and some times get lost in one. Once Reddit life mixed w real life and you asked her she was to embarrassed to tell you she had. I’m guessing that’s why she lied to you on the spur of the moment.

    If my advice has been helpful I would love to see the pics lol JK

  42. beckilynn February 13, 2018 / 5:18 pm

    You need to talk to her about it! If I found my partners nudes I would be hurt!

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