Me [18F] with my mom[40F], she didn’t want me to go to Art college but I ended up lying to her about doing something else

I have a very difficult relationship with my mother, she is not the kind of mom that expresses affection, kindness or understanding to me. I know this sounds like some teen complaining but I am dealing with an narcissist. My dad is out of the picture since 2015 so I have to endure her alone, and sometimes I have an emotional breakdown (I cry a lot).

I finished high school last year, and since I was little I knew that I wanted to go to one of the biggests art schools here in Brazil. The problem is that my mother was always saying that I will fail if I study art, that it does not make any money and I will be poor and die alone because she wont help me. I tried seeing other college courses but I only saw myself doing what I always wanted.

I lied to her, I said I was approved in web design (which I actually applied for and did not pass). My classes starts tomorrow and I can’t stop crying, I know she one day will find out and will call me by names and hit me. I don’t know what to do and I am so afraid.

**tldr**: I lied to my mom about going to web design in college, right now I am feeling so guilty and can’t stop crying

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2 thoughts on “Me [18F] with my mom[40F], she didn’t want me to go to Art college but I ended up lying to her about doing something else

  1. theoriginalpfta March 14, 2018 / 6:09 am

    Is she the one paying for your education or are you going to college tuition-free? (I’m not entirely sure how Brazil’s tuition-free college system works). Is she paying any of your other expenses (like housing, food, clothing, health insurance)? If you are any way reliant on her then you need to make a plan to not be as soon as possible. Even a reasonable, non-narcissist parent, would be justified in cutting off an adult child who lied to them about how they were using that parent’s money. So you need to be prepared to be completely financially independent as soon as possible.

    You also need to have a life plan. She isn’t wrong in saying that studying art is not exactly preparing you for a lucrative field or to make money. I get it, I have several degrees that aren’t exactly known as smart financial choices and I made it out okay/ think it was worth it. But I had to work really hard to make it happen and it isn’t easy/ sometimes people have to be willing to do other things or go through a lot of discomfort. Are you prepared to struggle financially? Do you have a backup plan in case you don’t succeed at art? I think you need to take her at her word and assume she won’t be helping you so you’re going to need to figure out how to be self-sufficient in a field in which many people are not able to survive. What is your plan for if you do struggle? Have your researched what you are likely to get starting salary, what most people with art degrees from your school are doing now, whether you’ll need to do anything to get a leg up (like certain jobs, awards or internships)? Is there a way to also get a degree in something else more secure while doing this? Are you working in another field while doing this?

    Next there is the abuse. Your mother should not be hitting you or calling you names. That’s unacceptable and you are completely justified in cutting contact, limiting contact, etc. as you feel is warranted to keep yourself physically, mentally and emotionally safe. If you are at a school with free or low cost counseling services take advantage of those. It takes a long time to recover from growing up with an abusive parent and you’ll want to learn how to relate to people in healthy ways in the future.

    As for the lying, lying to keep yourself safe from an abuser is okay. If you aren’t using her money then there is no need to feel guilty. You aren’t lying, in that case, to manipulate her. You are lying to avoid getting hit and yelled at by someone who has no authority over the life choices you make as an adult and no right to yell at you or hit you. Make a plan to get independent of her as soon as possible.

    If you are still dependent on her, I think you need to reconsider if lying to her and continuing to remain dependent on her is really the choice you want to make right now. It isn’t fair, and it is hard, but assuming what you say is accurate right now your primary goal needs to be staying safe and getting as far away from your abuser as soon as possible. Trying to get a different degree behind her back while she is financially supporting you is not the way to do that, especially when that degree is likely to yield you very little autonomy or finances to escape. Instead look into your options to put school on hold or to study something she will support that will generate enough income quickly for you to then study what you want without her being able to control you. To work to yield enough money to move away from her, etc.

  2. PureAtHeart2 March 14, 2018 / 6:09 am

    You have made a good choice by pursuing the course where you can put your energy into it for the next 4 years to 40 years and succeed. If your mother threatens to hit you, that is abuse, and when she says you will fail, she is undermining your confidence, which is probably why you have an emotional breakdown and cry.
    So you are justified in saying the least about your plans for your life and only telling her what she needs to know (name of university). You don’t owe her any other information.
    However you will need to work hard and then work doubly hard beyond it and as it’s an art degree you may be covered in paint all over your clothes.
    There are many career paths in design and interior or textile design, branding, marketing and advertising, and there are many corporate outlets for art in property developments, banks and offices through architects and interior design consultancies. So keep your focus on working hard and you can have a successful career and a happy life.

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