Me [21, F] trying to peacefully break things off with BF [21,M]. What do I do and why is he doing this?

I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for 3 years now. We started out a FoB and I caught feelings. A lot of things happened within this timeline. In the beginning of our relationship, he has been acting his own age (18), messaging girls and hitting up his ex to come over, etc. Because of this, I made a huge mistake as well and I am ashamed of it. At this point, it felt like the relationship was going nowhere, but I was young and naive. I thought this was true love. However, for my sake and his, I mentioned breaking up. He was adamant about being more cautious about his actions and he started to treat me better.
A few months later, he got into some harsh legal situation. His friends were no longer his friends (except one of his closest friends). His reputation as a popular frat boy was gone and no one really saw him the same way. During this time, I chose to stay with him. Yet a lot of times I felt like this was wrong. Call it gut instinct or something, but I didn’t have a good feeling about the relationship I was in. So I tried to leave. Of course, to no avail. He seemed dejected, at a low place in his life, and I wanted to support him. Truth was, I felt used. I felt like someone who was there conveniently.

Fast forward to now. He made a few mistakes here and there (talking to a girl at a club, not really caring where I was at a night club and proceeding to have a good time on his own). All these signs, but I was still convinced he cared as much for me as I do. The signs were all there. I got sick of the relationship so I mention breaking up. Yet he never takes it seriously. He takes my phone away and drives away, my PC which is used for me to stream on Twitch, etc. All things that are of value to me he withholds it, just because things don’t go his way and Just because I feel like this is wrong.

I feel helpless. I don’t see a future with a guy like this. But I’m still so used to being around him. But he does this thing where he takes control completely and I feel helpless. Sometimes I want something normal and peaceful. Yet there’s so much gaslighting going on. Even when I confront him peacefully, he gets angry at the reasons I want to break up, excuses them as dumb, and proceeds to put me in a place where I don’t really have any say.

All I want him to understand is I’m happy he’s willing to change yet I don’t want that. I grew up in a household where my parents fought every single day. It’s scary to commit and I guess I just don’t feel ready yet to accept him completely as someone who will stay with me long term. I know he cares in his own way, but I want him to understand that I want to move on and I want to be independent.

Why is he doing this? And what do I do? How do I approach this? Any thoughts or suggestions?

TL;DR : I want to approach the topic of breaking up, yet my BF is extremely against it and puts me in an uncomfortable position.

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3 thoughts on “Me [21, F] trying to peacefully break things off with BF [21,M]. What do I do and why is he doing this?

  1. EarlGreyhair March 14, 2018 / 12:05 pm

    I know that you want to go about this in the ‘right’ way, but it’s simply detrimental for you to stay with someone so controlling and emotionally abusive. Him holding your stuff hostage until he gets his way and gaslighting you is abusive.

    You don’t need his agreement to break up with him. It’s a unilateral decision. As long as one party no longer wants to be there, there is no relationship.

    Given his abusive tendencies, I think you should just get all your stuff together, leave him a breakup note and block all communication. I know you it’s not what you want, but I really can’t see any other way out of this.

    Edit: Perhaps you should read “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. You can find a free PDF on google. It explains the mindset of abusive and controlling partners really well.

  2. angryfroggy March 14, 2018 / 12:05 pm

    He doesn’t care about you. He’s abusive, and he’s using you for convenience. He showed what type of person he is when he was 18- disrespectful and disloyal- and you should have believed it. Him withholding your things and gaslighting/manipulating you is **abuse.**

    You don’t need reasons or validation to break up with him except your own. Breaking up doesn’t require the other party’s approval. Just break it off with him, head for the hills, block all contact from him, and work on yourself so you recognize the signs and don’t end up in another relationship like this one.

  3. jessie_monster March 14, 2018 / 12:05 pm

    He is the fuckiest of fuck boi. Get out, he is garbage.

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