Me [39 M] with my wife [34 F] of 10 years, she wants me to forgive her friend’s alcoholic husband

My wife’s good friend has a husband who recently stopped drinking. He went to a brief rehab and is now 30 days sober or something like that.

My wife wants me to forgive and forget all the inappropriate things he did when he was drinking. More specifically, he spent a ton of time trying to get my wife in bed. He would say things to her and about her. He had friends who did the same. He would make serious propositions. He would also ask stupid favors that were sexual but also ridiculous.

I decided to avoid him a long time ago, at least 3 years ago, because of this. My wife chose to ignore it all or laugh it off to maintain her friendship with his wife. I avoided him for my mental health and also to keep from becoming violent with him.

For everyone, it was excused that he was a drunk. He did a lot of stupid things and it was all chalked up to that. He said things occasionally to other women, but my wife seemed to be the constant target. I think this is because she spoke to her friend, this guy’s wife, about a rough patch we had 5 years ago and her brief temptation to see another man. She didn’t do this but I believe it gave the wrong idea to him and his friends. His wife seems to have always thought that I am the problem, that I judge him unfairly and that if he’s after my wife it’s not his fault.

Now that this guy has been sober for a brief time, my wife wants me to bury the hatchet, start hanging out with him and pretend like it all never happened. First, I don’t want to. Second, I think he’ll be drunk again before long. I am not saying I want him to fail, but I assume he will and I am not ready to just forgive and forget.

Am I being unreasonable in assuming I should just keep avoiding him? Can I remain distant permanently even if he does pull it off? Or is there some point that passes when I should say, “okay he has changed” and then consider hanging out with them again?

This guy has been drunk so long I don’t even know what his sober personality is like. And I have trouble seeing ever sitting down with him and his enablers and pretending he hasn’t done all this shit for years.


**tl;dr**: My wife’s good friend has an alcoholic husband who spent years chasing my wife when he got drunk. I have avoided him for a long time for that reason. He is now sober for a time and supposedly has given up drinking for good. My wife wants me to forgive and forget.

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76 thoughts on “Me [39 M] with my wife [34 F] of 10 years, she wants me to forgive her friend’s alcoholic husband

  1. marriedabrit73 February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Has he apologised, asked forgiveness or otherwise admitted that what he did was shitty?

    If not, he is not sorry and you and your wife have no indication that this behaviour will not simply continue while he’s sober.

    I also wonder why your wife is so invested in your forgiving this guy. She can easily maintain her friendship with the wife without you being friends with this husband.

  2. digitalgoddess99 February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Alcoholic here.

    Alcohol didn’t “make” him do anything.

    It may have made it easier for him to make bad decisions, but it didn’t make him be a creep.

    You don’t owe him forgiveness, especially since he didn’t ask.

    I’d stick to your guns on this one.

  3. feliscat February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    There’s no incentive at all for you to want to be friends with this guy and it’s totally unreasonable of your wife to ask you to be.

  4. Bremple February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Yeesh, you’re right to think this guy won’t stay sober for long. He has an entire network of people, your wife included, that are eager to enable, excuse, and misremember his bad behavior. I can’t believe his own wife is so far down the “enabling an addict” rabbit hole that she told you it’s not his fault he propositioned your wife!

    This guy is not being allowed to experience any negative consequences for his actions. Everyone around him, except you, are engaged in a concerted effort to cover for this guy. It’s surprisingly common with the friends/family of addicts to behave this way, especially charismatic ones. I’m sorry your own wife has joined the culture, she isn’t displaying a lot of regard or care for your own legitimate feelings in her quest to satisfy her own short-sighted ones.

  5. a-Mei-zing- February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    I forgave my alcoholic friend for all the shit he did to me, but I never forgot. And I never let him back into my life after I cut him off. Even after he sobered up.

    Don’t ever be around him again. Even if he’s sober.

  6. Stuckin_Foned February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Yeah alcohol didn’t make him do it, it was his excuse for being a creep.

  7. wtfthecanuck February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Forgive possibly, but 3 to 9 months is a better proof of sobriety and I would hold judgement until then. And he has to won up to the inappropriateness of his actions to you and her. You forgive when apologized to, not before.

    Forget his actions. NO! The drink released something within him. I doubt tat has gone away as well

  8. dallyan February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    No. Fuck this dude. And fuck the enablers surrounding him. I can’t stand enablers.

  9. bbyronUn February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    When he chose to drink, he chose to take responsibility for his actions, and you are the rightful judge if you want to interact with him. Similarly, if he had gotten a DUI then, the legal system would never expunge his record simply because he stopped drinking. For his offence against you, your wife and your marriage, neither should you.

    Still, I do not see him as the main problem; it is your wife. After his advances, and she simply laughs it off, she should have seen it as an attack upon your marriage. Also her association with his wife is also a problem, in that his wife should have seen his behavior as an attack upon both marriages. Thus, both her friend and his wife are both of bad character. That your wife is of the same nature is your biggest problem. For her to laugh at what he said, and then to forgive him, was laughing at your marriage.

    I advise you to maintain your dignity and course on the matter.

  10. Captain-Tac February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    I would ask her why she is so okay with a man who repeatedly tried to get her yo cheat on you. I would be questioning her respect for you and your marriage.

  11. helendestroy February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    >His wife seems to have always thought that I am the problem, that I judge him unfairly and that if he’s after my wife it’s not his fault.

    You seem reasonable, but honestly, by maintaining a friendship with this woman, your wife really is not.

    Also, if he hasn’t apologised, he isn’t sorry.

  12. xRoseable February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    I agree he needs to give a sincere apology to both yourself and your wife. I would also not become a part of their social group until at LEAST 6 months sobriety, but personally, I would wait a year. Relapse is very common.

  13. 365Blistering February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    I eye rolled pretty hard reading this. Your wife sounds,… for lack of a more diplomatic word, trying.

    Just say no. I think this is just as much a wife issue as a ‘random toxic person’ issue.

    1. She aired her dirty laundry about your relationship to friends in a way where you look like the bad guy. And they all were actively/verbally talking about her moving on either physically or emotionally from the relationship. Sounds like the couple still kind of think this.

    2. Why would you want to be friends with people like this? Why would you want to fake a friendship with these people who sounds gross, toxic and like they don’t have good boundaries with or without booze.

    3. Your wife. What is she thinking? She thinks it’s okay to disrespect you and your relationship. She thinks it’s okay to allow others men to disrespect you by being sexual with her and she doesn’t shut it down or end the relationship. Her friend doesn’t either. Some friends she has.

    Also the idea of couple friends only works if all parties actually like and respect each other. Which isn’t happening here and your wife is making this a you problem when the real problem is her shit taste in friends.

    I’d say no. And then I’d say fuck no. And then I’d sit her down and go over my points in a nice way but a firm way.

    Her continuing and pushing this relationship is disrespectful of you. You must be a patient person to even entertain it for yourself.

    As someone who knows alcoholics. This isn’t an alcoholic issue. These people just suck.

  14. CarlosDanger0123 February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    No you’re not being unreasonable. I don’t blame you for not wanting to talk to this drunken predator

  15. sukinsyn February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    One thing they teach you in AA (someone correct me if I’m wrong) is to ask for forgiveness, but to recognize that people have the right to reject that request. Ultimately, just “not being drunk anymore” doesn’t magically wipe the slate clean. Sober alcoholics have to deal with consequences, just like everyone else.

    It doesn’t even sound like this guy has apologized, and it doesn’t sound like you want to be his friend in any scenario. If your wife’s friend is a TRUE friend to her, she’ll be able to maintain her friendship without sacrificing your comfort. And she needs to learn to set boundaries with this guy. Damn.

  16. javanator999 February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    When he was drunk, he was drunk shit-weasel. Now he is a sober shit-weasel. Avoid him, the problems aren’t over.

  17. nashenas786 February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    I wonder if your wife would be as charitable if the guy’s wife had tried to get you into bed for so long?

  18. CaterpillarRage February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    When my dad finally sobered up and stopped drinking, I forgave him way before my sister did. My sister is older than me and she had to deal with a lot more awkward, drunken bullshit from him. So it took her much longer to forgive him. That’s the thing with forgiveness in this type of situation. It can’t be forced or pressured. This is something that has to be between you and your friend. Not you and your wife. Forgiveness has to be a personal choice or else it will never be genuine.

  19. ClericofTheNewSun February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Geez dude. Your wife has zero respect for you. Not even sure what you’re supposed to do here tbh lol

  20. JackNotName February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    A few thoughts.

    Drunkenness is no excuse for bad behavior.

    He needs to apologize. To you and your wife. Forgiveness is kinda meaningless in this case without an apology.

    Forgiveness ≠ trust

    Forgiveness simply means that you are willing to treat someone with the same request as you give everyone else, in spite of the fact that they have done you wrong in the past.

    Trust is something he is going to have to build over time.

    You don’t have to be friends with this guy, but clearly friendship with his wife is important to your wife. Keeping your wife happy is probably worth it.

    (again, you don’t have to trust him, just treat him with respect.)

    Finally, talk to your wife about all of this. Talk to her about an apology, forgiveness, and trust.

  21. amyhenderson_ February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    In Al-anon I learned an interesting truth … sobriety is NOT the absence of alcohol, it is the absence of alcoholic thinking and behavior. There is a name for people who stop drinking but do not work on meaningful recovery – a “dry drunk.” (And I don’t think AA is the only way to be in recovery – there are many options, but white knuckle sobriety or short term rehab only are not ideal.) Unless he has taken responsibility for his actions and words, acknowledges their impact on others, apologizes and makes amends as appropriate (and if welcomed!!!), you can’t be expected to just pretend all is fine!

    “When friendshusband is ready to apologize and make amends, I will let you know if I am ready to hear him out – that doesn’t mean we will ever be friends, but that is the only path to that possibility and that first step can’t happen until he is committed to making amends and I am in a place that I am ready to hear him out.”

    Don’t be pressured into just sweeping it under the rug and playing nice – this doesn’t serve you OR the addict, it only serves the codependent enablers in his life that are more comfortable with superficial change than doing the hard work necessary for meaningful recovery.

  22. RavinDaveR February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Some things can’t be forgiven or forgotten. I’m a 15-year sober alcoholic, and I realised I had a lot to apologise for when I got sober. I knew some of the things I had done could never be forgiven, and as one friend explained to me, it was selfish of me to expect absolution in some cases.

    So I made amends as best I could, but also knew that there were some things that could not be undone.

    Your wife and the other couple just need to accept that — it’s selfish to expect forgiveness from people who have been wronged on such a level.

    You certainly aren’t required to forgive anyone in this circumstance.

    In 10 years, maybe things will be different. Maybe not. But don’t feel obligated to dive into a friendship with someone you’re not comfortable with.

  23. WeirdGrowth February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    You do not have to forgive and you don’t have to forget. Your wife is also wrong, you don’t have to be “couples friends” with anyone if you don’t want to. You don’t have to share friends either, it is perfectly fine for you to have some friends she doesn’t hang out with much, and for her to have some you don’t hang out with much either.

    I’m older than both of you, and my SO has 2 friends who while I don’t mind them I cannot stand their spouses. So I don’t go out of my way to spend time with them, if SO wants to go see x then he can go do so, but if the spouse is going to be there I have zero interest in going myself. If we meet them publicly socially, I’ll be polite, but that’s it.

    Do we have “couples” friends? Yes of course, but their people we both like and are happy to hang out with.

    You don’t owe friendship to anyone you don’t want to give it to, neither does your wife. I’m sure she has other friends who you two are “couples” friends with and it’s fine, she needs to accept that you don’t like or want to be around this particular guy.

    She also needs to be careful who she confides with about your relationship. NEVER complain about your SO in a serious way to someone you want your SO to be friends with, they will remember it forever and it will poison how they view your SO, even if you get over that serious thing you were complaining about and view your SO with distrust and negativity. Which makes future friendship uneasy. Your wife has made this couples friendship thing really difficult by laughing off the advances of the husband and complaining about you to the wife. If I were you, I’d be firm about not wanting to be friends with those people yourself.

  24. brandonisatwat February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Maybe I’m wrong, but I wouldn’t be okay with my partner remaining friends with them at all. If someone came on to me, I would cut them out of my life completely out of respect for husband.

  25. dingalingalong February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Why does your wife want to stay friends with this bozo?

  26. FroggyMcnasty February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    The problem here is your wife.

    Drunk guy is an idiot and you’re right he’ll be fucking up again in no time so don’t waste your time, he wasn’t worth it in the first place.

    What matters is he tries to sleep with your wife, crossed many boundaries, and used personal information gleaned from his wife to target yours, he even got his friends in on it.

    You are under no obligation to be this guy’s friend. Your wife however has chosen her friendship with him and his wife over you, and that’s a problem that needs to be addressed.

    And not to be an asshole, but do you have any proof she hasn’t done anything with him?

  27. ChadKensingtonsTaint February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    sounds like your wife just enjoys the attention and doesn’t want it to stop. Doesn’t sound like she’s made any effort to get him to stop.

    It also sounds like your wife’s friend is actively trying to break you up as well and enabling her husband’s behavior. I wouldn’t want her hanging out with either of them. Your wife is the problem here and not you. If she respected you she wouldn’t be hanging out with these people.

    I’m an alcoholic and I’ve never propositioned anyone’s wife.

  28. kaitou1011 February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    You can also wait for him to apologize and admit what he did was unacceptable first: you have no obligation to forgive a person without them being sorry. And forgiving doesn’t have to mean forgetting– if he ever suddenly starts drinking again, you’d be fully within reason to cut contact then and there without waiting to see if he repeats patterns because you remember his previous patterns. You don’t have to trust his sobriety, you can just interact if he’s sober and cut contact the moment he has a drink. You can also interact with him sober politely without having to forgive him, either.

    It’s also okay to continue avoiding him forever, or to wait until a certain point where you feel comfortable. That doesn’t have to be a specific time, but after a time you might decide you’re comfortable again or you might not. 30 days sober is not long– it might be the beginning of forever or he might go back to drinking again, but honestly, addiction is difficult and even at 4 years sober or 10 years sober the addict could always just go back to drinking. The first few years are harder but relapse is always a possibility.

    Just explain to your wife that her dream of being friends as a couple was ruined by his behaviour– not your grudge, by him being inappropriate, disrespectful, and an alcoholic, and not reaching out to you with a sincere apology for his behaviour now that he is sober– and you are not comfortable interacting with him even sober, and you don’t know if you ever will. He was the one who ruined this for her, not you.

  29. Monalisa9298 February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Hmmm, should you pretend that nothing happened, when he’s only just started his recovery and hasn’t apologized or taken ownership of his crappy behavior?

    No.

    Give it a few years and see what happens before making any decisions about this. You don’t know what the future holds. He may become a different person, but it’s way too soon to tell.

  30. Blindsite2k February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Clearly his hitting on your wife makes you uncomfortable and she isn’t putting up enough boundaries. There are tons of guys out there that hit on women. Some women laugh it off and some put up strict boundaries. You’ve got to realize how much women are hit on in general. So this attitude applies to across the board not just in one specific circumstance.

    You’ve really got to sit down and have a talk with her about boundaries. You’re concerned about forgiving this guy. But you’re not going to forgive him if you don’t take care of the trust issues in your marriage first. Figure out what this whole thing is about first. Alcohol lowers inhibitions but it doesn’t create new impulses. What should make you think isn’t that he hit on your wife but rather his wife is fine with him hitting on your wife.

  31. VenturaPass February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    In the words of the Godfather: “That I do not forgive”.

  32. hhheliosss February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    The problem here is not as much the guy but your wife and her disrespect to you and you relationship.

  33. BigC907 February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Not unreasonable at all. Keep your boundaries.

  34. whenifeellikeit February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    If he’s actually working his program, then sooner or later, he needs to come to you to make amends. Don’t let him off the hook for a moment until he does that. It’ll be evidence that he’s actually serious about his sobriety.

  35. Pixamel February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Personally, I’d be more worried about your wife pressuring you. If she saw the mental damage you suffered and still insists on this ‘friendship’, you have a wife problem.

  36. NDaveT February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    First of all, you can forgive him without doing this:

    > start hanging out with him and pretend like it all never happened

    Of course you should just keep avoiding him. You’re not obligated to keep being friends with him just because he got sober, even if he does stay permanently sober.

    I don’t know how you convince your wife of that since I don’t know where she’s coming from at all.

  37. lcotemi February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    No one can or should force anyone else to be friends with someone they have no respect for. I believe that drunken words are sober thoughts.
    I’d be torn between letting my wife hang out with this group without me, and staying away because I hate him, if I were you.

    Your wife seems to be the real problem here. She’s choosing her relationship with the wife, over her relationship with you.

    She likes the attention this man gives her. She likes it because she’s not being fulfilled at home.
    I suggest that you two get the book The Five Love Languages. It will give you great insight into how to love each other in the way they feel loved.
    It’s very cheap therapy. It can save a marriage, or it can end one. It’s the choice of each couple. If you want your marriage to work, you’ll take the advice in the book. If you don’t want to take the advice, you’ll always be seeking something else.
    Reading that book was the turning point in my first marriage. I realized that I was always looking for something I was missing. I had my exH read it, but he refused to treat me in a way that made me feel loved. I tried, he didn’t.
    He was very narcissistic, and I could never give him everything he needed, but I tried. He had multiple affairs, and after reading that book, I stopped trying. Our marriage ended less than a year later.
    I’m now married to a man who fulfills my every love language, and I him. Neither of us flirt, nor do we enjoy it when someone flirts with us. This is totally opposite of how we both were in our first marriages.

    Your problem starts at home, not with this friend’s husband. He’s only a symptom of a much deeper issue.

  38. BigJayBJJ February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    While I realize all marriages are different, this doesnt add up. Ive had this exact situation happen. Wife’s best friend’s husband hit on her. She told the guy to fuck off. When he did it again, she had me tell him. And I wasn’t polite. I used his face to regrade the parking lot of the Cotton Eyed Joe.

    Maybe things are different in the South. But if a man hits on your wife, she doesn’t try to get you to be his friend. Idc how much he’s “changed.”

    If I were you, I’d stop making excuses for your wife and deal with the main problem in this equation… Her lack of consideration for your feelings. It’s a huge lack of respect for her to even ask, IMO.

  39. tuna_fart February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Screw that dude. He came at your family. It doesn’t matter that his reason was ‘because he’s a drunk.’

    If he comes forward and owns his actions and asks forgiveness, then it’s up to you to decide what you want to do. Until then, he’s not all that sorry.

  40. Jazz_the_Goose February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    You’re not wrong at all. He hasn’t even apologized, correct? If anything, I would tell your wife that you’ll considerate it after he comes and sincerely apologizes for his conduct over the last several years. And if you don’t want to do that, that’s fine too.

  41. doylerules111 February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    He didn’t do all that shitty stuff because he was drunk, he did it because he’s a shitty person. There’s a myth that alcoholism turns normal people into abusers, cheaters, drunk drivers, or otherwise bad people, but that’s not true, plenty of alcoholics sit home alone and never bother anyone else. Alcohol just impairs your ability to filter what you say and do based on societal expectations, making your bad personality traits more difficult to hide. Your wife and her friend are being incredibly naive here, he’s probably still cheating on her, just hiding it better.

  42. lespaul134 February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Alcohol doesn’t make you do anything. Why are you so ok with your wife enabling this shitty behavior from such shitty friends? You’re worth people respecting you. This is insane.

  43. fiercekittens February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Isn’t it a basic human right to be allowed to be friends with people you actually like, and not ones you loathe? My ex always wanted me to be pals with his best friend’s horrible wife. (Because then he and his best mate could have a great time together more easily.) I refused. I think you should too.

  44. [deleted] February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Being an alcoholic doesn’t force you to be an asshole. He’s just an asshole that’s it. Who cares if hes sober. Fuck that.

  45. flicticious February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    I would tell your wife that when MrDrunk is ready (at the right step in his rehabilitation process) to come to you and apologise for his past behaviours, then you will entertain the idea that he is forgiveable.

    You don’t have to forgive the guy.

    If he comes to you and apologises (whether it seems genuine or not) you can then advise him that you will be able to forgive him when he shows an ongoing and constant change in his behaviour towards your wife, his own wife, you and his friends and family. Explain to him that he’s on the road to recovery and he has to earn back your respect.

  46. Biker_roadkill_LOL February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    As a husband of a recovering alcoholic, 30 days sober is getting their feet wet. They still haven’t even begun to understand the damage they have done let alone are at the point where they can begin to make amends.

    Give this guy a year. If he’s sincere you can decide to be open to forgiveness.

    But 30 days sober after years of hitting on your wife? Yeah, fuck him at this point. He’s still an asshole alcoholic loser with a mountain to climb. You and your wife’s friendship are on the other side.

  47. seventyfour70 February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    You don’t owe this guy anything. That said, if he’s ready to apologize to you, have the compassion to listen to him. If he’s taking sobriety seriously, giving him the opportunity to own up to his transgressions can be helpful for both of you. You don’t have to be friends with him after he apologizes.

  48. ReflectingPond February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    I don’t get the “couple friends” thing. I think that person A is compatible with person B or not, and it has nothing to do with C or D. I’ve been married more than 20 years, and we have some married friends, some single friends, some friends in long-term dating situations, and it’s all the same to us. If D wants to go to dinner with us, we go, or one of us goes and one stays home, or we put it out to the friend group and a bunch of us go.

    I think the days of seating dinner parties boy/girl/boy/girl are long over, and I don’t think that spouses should be pressured into being friends with someone they’re not compatible with. Hubby has friends I dislike, and vice versa, and we don’t pressure the other to be friends with the disliked person. Life’s too short for that.

    I think that your wife expecting you to forgive and forget is too much, especially so soon. If the guy gets his act together, stops being abusive to your wife, and disrespectful to you, you can always reconsider. In your shoes, though, I wouldn’t be inclined to do so. 30 days sober is just not that long.

  49. SiriKillJenna February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Not forgiving him is okay. People who have gotten hurt by someone with an addiction problem have every right to be wary of said person.

    As a recovering addict, you can ask for forgiveness but you can’t demand it. You have to accept that it will take some people a long time to forgive you and that some never may.

    Addicition is a complicated thing. And while it is a disease and it does suck, sometimes it’s too late to fix things.

  50. deli_phone February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    It’s cool that a friendship with this couple takes priority over your feelings. She’s either incredibly hard up for friends or she liked the attention.

    Does she completely disrespect you in other aspects?

  51. Floricita February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    First of all, 30- 60days sober is *nothing*

    If this is really important to your wife, the two of you could try going to a couple of Al-Anon (friends and family of alcoholic) meetings to get a better perspective on why she would ask and how the two of you can maintain a friendship with her friend without getting entangled in his dysfunction.

  52. Dogsavestheworld February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Look her in the eyes and say, “I have never asked you to stop being friends with these people who couldn’t be bothered to have enough respect not to subject you to continuous sexual harassment, and to massively disrespecting our marriage. So now I expect the same courtesy from you in respecting that I don’t want to be friends with someone who did that.”

    Then pause a moment and state, “But all isn’t lost. If he will publicly apologize to both of us and make amends by stating to our faces in front of everyone that what he did was wrong and disrespectful and that he will never do it again, I’ll reconsider the friendship. Since he’s now getting treatment for his alcoholism I know one of the steps is to seek forgiveness and do amends to those one has hurt. This is how he does it and it’s all I’ll accept.”

    “And after that if he does not more thing like he has in the past to you, even a joke of a sexual nature in your presence, you will then have to choose either your friends or me. Because I’ll be done putting up with it and having your back when you don’t have mine and can’t even bother to have respect for yourself or me or our marriage.”

    After that if she brings it up you repeat the following and you don’t back down. Because yes, if he’s truly done drinking and it was all “the drink” (/s we all know that’s bullshit) then he is doing the steps and among those are amends – and he needs to do amends to you and your wife and that’s how he does it. You, not he, dictate the terms of what amends you need and it’s part of his treatment.

  53. roosterinflight February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    I think you need to probe your wife a bit on this one. Super-suspicious.

  54. tacofromthe80s February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    The thing about beginning sobriety is finally holding yourself accountable for your actions. Being drunk is not an excuse to rug sweep his past inappropriate behaviors. It may be more comfortable to say things like “he’s changed” and “let’s just all get along” to negate any conflict in your friends group but it’s just enforcing that there aren’t consequences for being an alcoholic.

    In reality, his wife and your wife are not doing him any favors by not holding him accountable for those things. One of the steps is even (I’m paraphrasing here) taking moral inventory and apologizing for things you did that hurt others under the influence. Part of this inventory is while you extend an apology is that you don’t have the right to expect anyone to accept it.

    I don’t think you’re in the wrong at all. And they are doing exactly what you think, they are enabling him. You may be able to forgive him at some point but you’ll have to press them for proof that things will change. If he apologizes in actions (going to meetings, therapy, allowing you space) then you can begin to consider it.

  55. Ofbearsandmen February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    You can’t ask someone else to forgive if they’re not ready to. No matter what happened and if it was serious or not. Forgiveness is a complicated psychological process that is hard to command in oneself, let alone in someone else. Maybe one day you’ll forgive, maybe not, but trying to hurry you is counterproductive.
    You can decide to hang out with him without forgiving. You can decide to forgive and still stay away from him. Forgiving doesn’t mean trusting. Maybe one day you’ll wake up and understand that you’ve forgiven, but you don’t know when this might be. Anyway you can’t force yourself to forgive, it wouldn’t be true forgiveness. Your wife is going to have to let you decide on this.

  56. Mabelisms February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Has he apologized for his behaviour directly to you and your wife and vowed to make amends?

    Russell Brand has a book on addictions. You should read it.

  57. eanerrudham February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Your wife can forgive him if she wants. That’s her decision. You can choose not to forgive him. Your choice.

    You can’t make anyone forgive anyone else. That’s a choice you make for yourself. If you don’t feel comfortable hanging around him or his wife, then that is your right. If she wants to reconcile with them, and keep hanging out with them, she can do so without you.

  58. uglylizards February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    I recently started AA, and I’ve been hearing others talk about making amends, even though I’m not on that step yet. I think if he comes to you, and you are able to give him that, it would be a beautiful thing, but you aren’t obligated to. I also don’t really believe in forgiving and forgetting until the offending party has put in some leg work though.

  59. Jax_Herrera February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    It’s his job to make amends. Don’t do anything you don’t want to.

  60. insideyourhug February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    No fuck that. I’m a recovering alcoholic and besides making a fool of myself, I’ve never sexually abused someone. That is beyond messed up and he is not a good person. Also, thirty days isn’t long and getting past 90 is extremely hard. Just tell her the truth. She can have her friend but you don’t want to be around him. Somethings are inexcusable especially if it happened numerous times. I think that shows he knew at least once what he was doing. Sometimes you just lose friends when you go too far too many times and that’s just the way it is. I wouldn’t even want my wife around that guy. Good luck.

  61. seeingredagain February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Forgiveness is one thing, trust is another. You can forgive a person for what they’ve done in the past but that doesn’t mean you have to make them a part of your life again. Tell your wife that you bear no grudge against him but you prefer to keep him at arm’s length until you’re completely comfortable that he has changed for the better.

  62. BigDaddySwagLord February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Forgiving someone and continuing(or starting to in your case) to interact with someone are two different things. But if this were me I would have cut this guy out of my life and asked my wife to stop being around him after the 1st time he tried to get with her.

  63. canceroustumor123 February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    I don’t see how your wife or others see his drunkness as an excuse for harassment.

    I guess next time I’m pissed off at someone I’ll just turn up at their house drunk and beat them to death.

  64. ikindofhateyou February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    As a former alcoholic my husbands best friend did not forgive me. It’s expected for people not to forgive me for my actions. But if your wife needs to prepare not for them to be close. That friend is no longer my husbands best friend. That guy is sober and I’m happy for him. But having to face your demons and your fuck ups is hard. Especially if you already tried to make amends (As in if he’s tried to get you alone). But he may want to pretend it never happened. I generally think you guys could make him slip. Sooo tell your wife it’s for the better.

  65. Daughter_Bot February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. It took me awhile to forgive my uncle for things he did while active in his addiction (trying to break into our home and threatening to assault my dad). My dad was really hurt when I woudn’t forgive and forget and see my uncle right after he got clean, but oh well. Not my problem. In time I did forgive my uncle, learned the emotional pain underneath his addiction, and I respect him a lot for getting clean and helping others. But I had to do it when I was ready, not when my dad was ready.

    Tell your wife you need time and space to see how it will play out. I hate when people try to micromanage other people’s timeline to forgiveness–that’s not how it works. We can have compassion for a person’s struggle with substance abuse, while also acknowledging the unpleasant truth that their actions while under the influence do have lasting consequences. Your wife putting her need to socialize above your need to feel comfortable and safe is really not your problem.

  66. Ryocchi February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    You need to sit your wife, tell her a month is not enough time to prove he has changed and she shouldn’t forgive him so easily either, this is nuts I cannot believe your wife is okay with this.

  67. RainbowKitty77 February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Even if he’s forever sober from now on he still has to deal with what he did when he wasn’t. You don’t have to forgive him.

  68. cleanshavencaveman February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    As someone who has gone through 12 step programs… as the person with the problem, when you ask for forgiveness from someone doesn’t mean that they automatically forgive you. You have to also be prepared to get shit down and not forgiven for what you did. The idea is to make amends to people not ensure that you are forgiven.

    So you don’t need to forgive him if you don’t forgive him. And if he’s truly sorry for what he’s done and is working his program properly he will truly apologize for what he has done, make you feel and ensure you that it will never happen again, and be okay with you not forgiving him or not. So either way the burden should not be put on you, you should do what feels best for you, that type of behavior is a lot to forgive and unless you really care about someone it’s hard to forgive.

    Follow your heart, your heart may say you can never forgive that person for acting like that toward you and your wife, and that is perfectly okay.

  69. Hardheadedsoftskills February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Your line is yours to draw. If your partner and others cannot respect that, you have a greater problem than a drunk.

  70. antioch75 February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    This friend that is so valuable to your wife, thinks you are a problem in what way?
    That you blocked your wife from cheating with her husband and his friends?
    Something about this story is either off, or something about your wife is off.
    That your wife so values and is invested in people that totally disrespect your marriage, and you seems to be the biggest issue here. I would try to get to the bottom of that.

  71. JezzaN1 February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Yeah, not only would I be pissed that my partner expects me to let that go, i’d be pissed that she continued to hang around with said guy (even if it was solely to see his wife) after him making a seemingly huge number of sexual advances on her. You are, if anything, being too reasonable.

  72. fitnesswholepizza February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Drunk words are sober thoughts. Alcohol gave him the ability to voice what he was really thinking. Personally I don’t know how you haven’t leveled this guy yet. I wouldn’t let anyone talk to my wife that way, friend or family.

    Edit: People! I’m not saying alcohol is TRUTH serum. I’m saying he has beer balls. Alcohol lowered his inhibitors to voice that he obviously wants to sleep with this guys wife. I’m sure he’s thought about it.

  73. boiledfrogs_ February 13, 2018 / 6:52 pm

    Everyone deserves a second chance. Even God forgives, and we cannot presume that as mere humans we are better than Him in any way. God bless brother.

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