My [25M] Girlfriend [26F] is angry and upset that I did not disclose my virginity.

We have been exclusive for 2 months, finally took the next step and we had sex for the first time last night. I was a virgin at the time, she obviously was not. I had not mentioned my virginity prior to now (I have made that mistake before), but she had never asked. Nor did I ask her about her history. She is on the pill, and we used a condom. No worries so far.

Fastforward to afterwards, we were cuddling and I jokingly mentioned that sex was better than I had imagined. She asked what I meant, and I told her that I had not had sex before this. She knew I was inexperienced, but I think she just assumed I wasn’t a virgin.

She got very upset about this, and was pretty angry. She said that by hiding it from her, it meant that she wasn’t able to make an informed decision about whether she wanted to proceed with having sex with me. I told her that she never asked, but she said that it is my responsibility to disclose important sexual information like this, the same way that she told me she was on the pill. She said that it was similar to having to disclose if you have an STD, so that the other person can make an informed decision and decide if they want to give consent.

I asked if she would have still done it if I had told her, but she said thats not the point because she didn’t get the chance to make that decision. She got pretty emotional and asked me to leave so that she can think things over, and I haven’t heard from her since and she hasn’t answered my texts.

So my question here; am I in the wrong, or is she overreacting? If I’m in the wrong, what could/should I do to try and fix things? And I am a little concerned, could this became a legal issue?

I want to make things right and keep this relationship going, because I genuinely care for her and since we had sex I feel even more strongly for her. But at the same time, I don’t want to dwell on this and feel guilty if I didn’t actually do the wrong thing.

**tl;dr:** Had sex with my gf, didn’t tell her I was a virgin. She said that it meant she couldn’t make an informed decision about consent, and it was my responsibility to disclose it (similar to if I had an STD or something else that effects sex). She is not speaking to me currently, am I in the wrong?

View Reddit by concerned_throwaway6View Source

20 thoughts on “My [25M] Girlfriend [26F] is angry and upset that I did not disclose my virginity.

  1. q_q_o_o_b_b March 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Nobody is under any obligation to disclose how many people they’ve slept with before a partner can make an ‘informed decision’ about whether or not they want to have sex. Virginity is a toxic social construct.

    That said, if she’s pissed she’s pissed. Let her process her feelings. Move on if she doesn’t come around soon and don’t feel like you need to fall all over yourself apologizing, because you didn’t do anything wrong.

  2. i-dunno-ma March 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    She wouldn’t have had sex with you if she knew you were a virgin beforehand. That’s why she’s upset

  3. IllustriousTree March 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    If she had any personal rules about sleeping with a virgin, it was her responsibility to ask you. Not your responsibility to tell her.

    If she’d asked, and you’d lied, that’s a problem. She didn’t ask, so it’s not your concern. You’re right. She isn’t.

  4. Mmm_hummus March 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    I’m torn to be honest because I totally see why you wouldn’t tell her if it’s caused you problems before. But honestly? I’d want to know. If someone’s about to loose their virginity to me I’d want to know. Plus if you see telling someone you are a virgin as ‘the mistake’ you’ve made before then I think you know she’d want to know, sorry dude.

  5. PracticalMatters March 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Holy shit. Virginity is not like having an STD. I think you both should have discussed sexual history before having sex. It first of all makes sure you can have the correct level of protection during sex and allows you to opt out of anything you’d be uncomfortable with. It further gives you practice at communicating openly and honestly with your partner. But that being said, she is WAY over reacting. People have this irrational fear that twenty-something virgins will automatically become clingy the first time that they have sex. Been there, done that. Didn’t happen.

  6. drivingthrowaway March 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    I think she’s being completely unreasonable, and it’s unfair (and a bit offensive) of her to bring consent into this because of her own prejudice. Older virgins of both genders (like women with extensive sexual histories) are stigmatized and it’s wrong as hell of her to expect you to disclose something that might expose you to unwarranted judgement. The issue with STIs isn’t that you deserve a complete and comprehensive knowledge of all aspects of a person’s life before you sleep with them, it’s consent to risk. She needs to be checked, and HARD.

    But none of that helps you. You want to keep dating her.

    I think the best thing is to try to turn it personal. Explain to her “I’m truly sorry that I didn’t tell you. See, I’ve been judged and even mocked in the past because I was a virgin. I was scared that you would judge me, and that was unfair to you. I know that aren’t like that.” (She’s totally like that, but whatever.) If she tries to turn it around to the consent thing, avoid arguing and just go back to- “I should trusted that you’d be understanding and kind to me.” Don’t argue the point, but don’t concede.

    If she wants to argue the point, send her here. I’ll go ten rounds. I’d honestly enjoy giving her a good talking to for her nonsense.

  7. Idonthaveadvice March 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    I was actually in her position, where a guy I though just didn’t have any serious relationships (that’s what he said), told me after sex that it was his first time. He thought he made that clear beforehand, because it didn’t occur to him that people have sex outside relationships, lol 🙂 I didn’t react anything close to your GF, though. I though it was cool, and I though the sex was great before I knew it was his first, but after he told me it was his first time, I was so impressed! I told him if I knew it was his first time I would maybe light some candles and stuff, we laughed.

    I think she owes you an apology, after which you get to decide if you want to keep engaging with someone that weird. You did nothing wrong. Disclosing STDs is NOTHING like disclosing virginity, since your virginity has nothing to do with her, will never have anything to do with her, and doesn’t endanger her in any way. STDs are real and natural, virginity is a social construct. That’s like saying you should disclose to the restaurant that you’re having your first slice of pizza at their place. IMHO if a guy would make a big deal out of me being their first, I would feel pressure of making it special or something, and would think about if I’m the right person for them, if it’s such a big deal to them, since I wouldn’t want to ruin their “special” experience. If they told me afterwards, and wouldn’t make it a big deal, it would never be a big deal for me either. Unless I made the sex exceptionally awful, like was drunk and threw up on the guy or something. Did she do that? Because then her actions are a bit understandable. Not excusable, though. She’d still owe you an apology, and you still didn’t do anything wrong.

  8. TabbyFoxHollow March 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    I understand why you did it, but I’d be really upset. Something about it’s ok to open and vulnerable with my naked body, but you weren’t ok doing the same thing with the truth… that just wouldn’t sit right with me. It would have been better to either say something beforehand or never say it at all.

  9. Babywhale March 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    No, she’s over reacting. Comparing it to an std and talking about consent is crazy. She consented. You being a virgin doesn’t change anything. If she continues to hold a grudge and doesn’t apologize, she’s not the girl for you.

  10. [deleted] March 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    As long as you’re not posing a health risk, the number of people you have or haven’t slept with is no-one’s business but yours. Any suggestion that you should have told her, even if she didn’t ask, is complete and utter rubbish.

    There’s probably a lot of things she doesn’t know about you. But she had all the information she needed to make an “informed decision”, and you were under no obligation to tell her your sexual history. You weren’t being dishonest and you weren’t lying. Whatever she assumed is her problem. There’s no such thing as a separate “consent to take virginity”. Consent is consent. End of.

  11. AriesxNova March 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    You’re not obligated to discuss your virginity just as she’s not obligated to discuss how many sex partners she had. If she’s overreacting about this, this is a huge red flag.

  12. cowboykillerreds March 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Don’t worry about anything legally, that’s not a thing. But i think she’s just freaked out about extra emotional baggage that comes with being someone’s first, which she didn’t thing was going to come with being with you. She’s for sure over reacting, don’t blame yourself. If she doesn’t come to her senses, don’t stress over it. She wasn’t the one.

  13. Melcolloien March 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    I both agree and disagree with her. I mean, I think she is overreacting but I would have been really hurt that my partner didn’t tell me. I would wonder why he didn’t trust me.

  14. HidingFromGF_XX March 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Stay away from her. She freaks out and starts trying to blame you and abusing the idea of consent to trap you. This is a terrible thing to do on her part, she sounds like the kind of woman who would abuse the idea of consent more.

  15. HoChiMindy March 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    The people who think you should have disclosed your virginity would probably be offended if they were asked to disclose their number of sexual partners before sex.

    I don’t think you did anything wrong. It’s not like you were hiding an STD.

  16. NakedStreets March 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    > I had not mentioned my virginity prior to now (I have made that mistake before)

    To be clear, the reason that you didn’t mention that you were a virgin is because you thought the information might affect her decision-making process. You withheld the information BECAUSE you believed that it would matter to her. You deliberately manipulated a woman into having sex with you, knowing that she might choose not to if she had the facts.

    She has rightly concluded that your behavior says something about your character: that you are willing to hide information from your partner to get what you want.

    Your behavior was not illegal. But your girlfriend believes that your behavior was immoral, as do I. You do not believe that there was anything wrong with your behavior.

    You and your girlfriend do not have the same values or the same beliefs about how to treat other people. You should not date because you are fundamentally incompatible.

  17. stophittingthyself March 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    I might be in the minority here, but I think she had the right to know she was about to take someone’s virginity.

    Whether we like it or not, loosing and taking someone’s virginity come with emotional baggage and pressure for many people. This is a well known part of our culture so to not inform her might come across as you purposely deceiving her. Comparing it to an STD is obviously not a fair comparison, it’s more accurate to compare to the other end of the scale where a partner didn’t know that the person they were sleeping with was divorced or used to do sex work etc. Not everyone minds but they have a right to choose whether it’s what they want in a sexual partner. Hopefully you to can work things out with some honest conversations.

    Though I might be giving her to much benefit of the doubt and she might just be rude an judgemental, but I’m sure you can figure out which one it is.

  18. threeredsquares March 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    >am I in the wrong

    yes. “You didnt ask” is a ridiculous statement: as a 25M she’d have assumed you weren’t.

    >is she overreacting?

    yes. I get her shock, but it’s not THAT big a deal.

    My guess is that she’s terrified she’s created a clinger

  19. ConfoundedClassisist March 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    okay I know I am way late to the party but this exact thing happened to me and I was so so upset. Here’s the other side of the story:

    I really cared about this guy, and we’ve been together for a while when it happened. If I’d known, I would’ve taken care to ask what he was comfortable with every step of the way. When he told me, all of a sudden I felt like I’d been given the enormous burden of his first time and had massively fucked it up without even knowing what it was.

    People who’ve had sex before know what they’re comfortable/uncomfortable with, they know how to express that discomfort in a sexual relationship, and during sex. Everyone who’s had sex can probably recall their learning experiences in sex, and how exploring was a careful and slow process. By not disclosing, we skip the slow process of discovery and jump right into assuming that you’re comfortable with your body, with whatever we’re doing, and comfortable enough to say no. While this is different with everyone, with someone who is a virgin I feel like there needs to be much more verbal communication of comfort and consent. When he told me he was a virgin I was massively scared that I overstepped some boundaries which people who’ve been sexually active could express, but people who haven’t may not know how to. So yeah, I think she’s justified in being upset. When I found out (months after the fact) I even cried.

  20. BNICEALWAYS March 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    > could this became a legal issue?

    Yeah you’re totally going down for this /s

    Come on dude. You’re 25. Of course you should disclose that you’re a virgin. Taking someone’s virginity is big, she had the right to know.

    I think the fact that you were a virgin at 25 might tie into your confusion as to if there could be legal implications. It’s ok to be slow, just be honest about it.

Leave a Reply