My [26 M] girlfriend [26F] is considering breaking up with me because I don’t go out with her friends

My girlfriend and I have been living together for 3 years, because we both found a job in the same city, and as both of us had to move there anyway, we decided to move together. It has been wonderful, we really enjoy our time together, and we have had very few problems regarding living together.

I don’t really like what you would consider “usual Saturday night plans”: going to a club or a disco to drink and dance. I would rather watch a movie, play board games or just talk with my friends in somebody’s house. My girlfriend is not really into that, and she usually goes out with her friends (from work). This has never been an issue for me, we spend a lot of time together during the week, and I thought it wasn’t a problem for her either: she told me multiple times that she preferred this kind of relationship that the type where you’re doing everything together.

I want to be clear: even when I don’t have a plan, I don’t go out with her friends, it is not about choosing between my friends and hers. If I have nothing to do and she asks me if I want to come with her to a club, I decline. I’m introverted and I don’t like meeting new people, and I really struggle to make new friends and enjoy my time in those situations.

So, after almost 3 years of this, she told me last week that she was having doubts about our relationship. She told me that she enjoys our time together, but that she really wants me to go out with her friends and to socialize more. She didn’t ask me straight to change, because that wouldn’t have been fair, but she thought I had to know how she felt. I didn’t know what to do, so I asked my parents (they are no longer together, btw).

My mother told me that I’m just like my father (regarding going out and socializing) and that was the reason they broke up: because she felt alone and thought my father was being selfish. She told to make an effort for my girlfriend if I really wanted to stay with her, that there’s always one partner that loves the other more, and that I had to try to make her happy and enjoy doing so, because that is what relationships are about: making your loved one happy. I told her I was not sure about it, but she told me to at least try to see if it works out.

With this in mind, I talked with my girlfriend and I told her I would try to go out with her friends more, and she was really happy about it. It’s not 100% solved, but we were almost guaranteed to break up before that, and now it seems we’re fine.

The day after, I talked with my father, and he told me the exact opposite: that two people only have to be together if they both enjoy how the other person is, and that there’s no point in trying to force yourself into something you’re not, because it won’t last. Both my parents are remarried with other people, btw.

Now I don’t know what to do. I know they both have a point. I know you need to try to make your partner happy and that you can’t be self-centred all the time. I also know you need to be yourself and your partner need to be happy with that.

So, what should I do, reddit? Am I being selfish? Am I making a mistake by trying to change my behaviour for her?

**tl;dr**: My girlfriend wants me to hang out with her friends but I don’t enjoy it. Should I make an effort for her or trying to change is not the way to go?

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17 thoughts on “My [26 M] girlfriend [26F] is considering breaking up with me because I don’t go out with her friends

  1. webbyducktales February 12, 2018 / 3:12 pm

    My guess is that her friends and co-workers have been asking her a lot of why you aren’t with her on these nights out. It can make even the most secure of women feel a bit unwanted if their friends dudes are dancing with them and getting them drinks, really being attentive and she’s there alone….again. And again. And again.

    I know to you it isn’t a big deal. It’s an annoyance with loud music and you live together anyway so what’s the point, you’ll see her another time.

    You should be pleased she wants to spend time with you, she definitely doesn’t have another man or her eyes on one or else she would want you at home.

    Yes she probably should be more understanding and yes this is going to be a pain in your bum, but think of it like having a sweet car that’s always in the garage, sometimes as ridiculous as it sounds, you just want to show it off a little.

    You don’t need to go every weekend. Once every 6 weeks should do nicely, go out give her a great time. Not whiny or sad, but attentive and loving. Get her drinks, even dance a little. She will be THRILLED.

    Compromise on a time limit and leave at that point.

    In return she could learn a board game you love with you.

  2. owmyeyebrow February 12, 2018 / 3:12 pm

    It’s not a matter of her not enjoying you the way you are, it’s more a matter of doing something that’s important to her. She’s probably wanted this for the 3 years you’ve been together. She’s not asking you to change, she’s just asking you to do something with her that she enjoys doing, much like watching a movie you’re not so excited about. And it doesn’t sound like she wants it every weekend, just occasionally. Keep in mind, too, that she might be feeling social pressure when you stay home. And if you go, you can always suggest a venue that suits you, like a lounge space, or a funky bar that might have games or something, so you don’t have to feel anxious about making friends. It’s not about the thing, it’s about trying. For her.

    P.S. I think if you listen to your father your relationship will mirror your parents’ relationship.

  3. Sensual_Bagel February 12, 2018 / 3:12 pm

    I think you should try and come to a compromise on the issue, while one weekend you can all go out but another you both stay in and have a “home date night”

    My husband is extremely introverted and hates crowds so I can’t ask him to go to a club, but every once in a while he will take me to a casual bar or nice restaurant if I’m feeling antsy. This is our compromise, I’m mostly a homebody and prefer to stay in but once in a while I do crave a night out.

    If you go with her and you feel very anxious or uncomfortable talk to her about it, I’d say wait until the next day to bring it up so she doesn’t feel like you’re trying go get out of being there but be honest and let her know, bring up suggestions for less crowded bars or a more relaxed whole in the wall environment. Be upfront that you’re still willing to go out and try but it’s a little to much at her location just yet.

    Best of luck to you.

  4. Sogood187 February 12, 2018 / 3:12 pm

    I don’t blame your girlfriend for feeling that way. I also don’t blame you for not clubbing. Let’s be real, you probably won’t like clubbing. I know I don’t, not my thing. I know my girlfriend is that way to. Doesn’t look like a path that will have a good ending. However, do you even hang out with her family and friends at all?

  5. drzoidburger February 12, 2018 / 3:12 pm

    This pretty much describes my fiancé and me. I’m the girl that likes to go out with friends, and he’s the one who hates loud music and clubs. I can see why your girlfriend is feeling this way, since I’ve had friends question why I’m showing up solo. We’ve made it work for so long by meeting somewhere in the middle, and changing it up depending on the occasion. Sometimes he’ll go out with me for a little bit, and then we’ll leave together after an hour or two. Sometimes I’ll go alone and stick with some of my single friends, using it more as an opportunity to catch up with them. Other times I skip going out altogether, and I definitely noticed that my lifestyle changed once we started getting more serious.

    My point is, try to go out with her occasionally, just so she doesn’t feel completely abandoned on those nights where there’s no single friends to hang out with. Stay for as long as you feel comfortable, and bring up maybe leaving early to go home and relax with a movie or game. In return, she might consider skipping some of these events to spend time with you.

  6. everyoneis_gay February 12, 2018 / 3:12 pm

    Compromise, compromise, compromise. Should you change your entire self and preferences to please someone else? No. Should you make compromises, like one night out until x time every other week or so to keep your SO company? Yes, that’s what a relationship is.

    Edit: could you also both host a get-together with her friends at your house sometime? More low-key than clubbing, but with some drinks and stuff?

  7. alexliuguifeng February 12, 2018 / 3:12 pm

    I’m curious about why agreeing to go out with her friends was apparently enough to turn the relationship from being on the verge of breaking up to all being peachy again. This is a relatively minor issue, it should not be something that makes or breaks a relationship. If you love each other then you should be accepting and accommodating of the differences between you.

    As you’ve already agreed to make an effort to go out then you should stick to your word, but if you continue to not enjoy Saturday nights out then you shouldn’t force yourself to do it. This will just build unhealthy resentment between the two of you.

  8. Nuckchooking February 12, 2018 / 3:12 pm

    I’m kind of in the boat of loving someone as they are and not wanting to change them.

    That said if it’s a deal breaker see if you can hit some middle ground of going out but maybe not clubbing.

    If you think she’s worth it put on the effort. If not then try explaining how you actually feel and it might be time to move on.

  9. dinosaur_train February 12, 2018 / 3:12 pm

    This is a situation where both of your parents are right; you just need to find the balance between the two.

    For the side of going out, in any relationship this type of compromise is warranted. It doesn’t matter who you end up with, relationships will always require you to attend one thing or the other in support of your partner.

    For your father’s side, you need to examine long-term compatibility issues. Now is a good time to do that. Let’s be honest here, how do you feel about drinking and clubbing? How long will drinking and clubbing be part of your girlfriend’s life? What are you planning for the future? Do you want kids? If so, are drinking and clubbing going to be part of your lifestyle at that point? Do you leave your kids with a babysitter so you can go drink and Club?

    I don’t know the big picture here. But, I think you should push yourself here. I don’t think that you can evaluate the total lifestyle issues that are coming up unless you start going out with your girlfriend. Forget that plan to head home early, as well. No, you need to go out full on with her and see if this is what you want as a part of your relationship.

    Only then can you find out if your father is right. Because I can tell you that he’s not out right wrong. But is his advice correct for your relationship? You’re far enough into this relationship now where long-term lifestyle compatibilities have to be examined. And the fact that you were this close to break up suggests a lot. Take this opportunity to determine if this relationship is right for you.

  10. smegheadgirl February 12, 2018 / 3:12 pm

    I broke up with my ex (not after 3 years, only after a few months) for the same reason.

    It’s not that I need to be ALL THE TIME with my boyfriend. It’s that, from time to time, I love to share these moments with someone.

    With my current boyfriend it’s so much better.

    He comes with me from time to time. i know what he likes and doesn’t like, so whenever we have an activity he would enjoy (or not hate) with my friends I ask him to come with me (go for a drink. yesterday we went to a friend’s place for a movie + ice cream). He then says yes or no.

    When it’s something he would hate (like going dancing, going to the theatre), I still offer him to come but I tell him that he doesn’t have to if he hates it. He says no 100% of the time.

    My ex said no ALL THE TIME and after a little while, it became very hard for me. So I just decided to break up. Of course i can do things on my own, but I like to share some of these moments with him. I like my boyfriend to be friendly with my friends and family. And I like for him to invite me to see his own friends and family.

    If it’s to go do stuff on my own all the time, then I’d rather be single. Why? Because by going out with other people all the time, you end up talking with other people, and you end up meeting people who are more suited to you. I am a faithful person, but seeing there are guys who would be happy to date me and spend plenty of time with me and who get on well with my friends while my own boyfriend rather stay in front of his TV or video games… well… it’s not a nice feeling.

    So, I left my introverted boyfriend. i never cheated on him and remained single for almost a year. But the guy i’m seeing now is amazing, has activities with me. Goes sometimes on his own to see his friends while i see mine. But all my friends love him and he likes them too…. It’s the best relationship i’ve ever been in!

  11. almamont February 12, 2018 / 3:12 pm

    Sorry to break it to you, but your mom is right. While you marry and stay with a person because of love, you also have to realize that they have a life beyond your couple bubble, and that too must matter. Friends are an integral part of life and it is extremely important that you are able to establish relationships, not just with your partner, but with people that are important to her, too.

    You say that hanging out with her friends translates to going out to dance and go clubbing. It doesn’t need to be this way. You can be just as cozy at home with her friends! Perhaps it’s a good opportunity to suggest a dinner at your place, perhaps board games, too! I think that if you want to save your relationship, you will need to take the steps towards making an effort; introverted or not, you must realize this is a situation where you must find away to meet in the middle.

  12. _0n_ February 12, 2018 / 3:12 pm

    Unlike most of the relationship issues on here your girlfriend is actually being really upfront and explicit; *she is telling you what she really wants*. This is the first step to understanding a relationship and it allows one to make the right decision set for yourself, her and your relationship.

    If you still want to be her lover you should try and forget your parents past. It has nothing to do with your relationship. If you want her to be your future you can decide for yourself based on what is important to you and what she has told you that she really really wants.

    It sounds like if you want to be her lover then it is pretty important that you “get with her friends”. Her relationship with her friends is important to her and it is something that never ends; in her eyes. She’s testing the relationship by asking if you are for real.

    If you don’t think you will be able to commit to going clubbing often and you are sure you aren’t interested there is only one other option: you will need to find out what a zigazig ah is and get her one of them. But it can’t be more clear to me that if you want to be her lover you really have to get with her friends.

    tl;dr Spice Girls

  13. Berlinesq February 12, 2018 / 3:12 pm

    You remind me of my friend who had a sweet wonderful bf. She got a job offer, they moved to nyc. She loved being out, he loved staying home. Long story short she ended up breaking up with him and I thought, that sucks they seemed like they balanced/complimented each other well, and he was so great. But then she met some her type and every weekend they’re out partying, going to events, and deliriously happy. He met someone more quiet and introverted, too. And I think he’s happy not feeling pressured to go out or pressure them change, or going out and dreading it. Ultimately, you can appease her by going out for a bit, but neither of you will truly be happy in the long run…

  14. forgetdeutsch February 12, 2018 / 3:12 pm

    Compromise, do it once a month, then you’re putting in the effort, but even if you hate it its tolerable.

  15. WelshBluebird1 February 12, 2018 / 3:12 pm

    Do they do anything that isn’t clubbing?
    I’m going to get downvoted I know – but if that is the only thing they do, then at 26 then maybe she needs to grow up a little?
    If that isn’t all they do, then why can’t you join them for the times they aren’t?

  16. beargrease_sandwich February 12, 2018 / 3:12 pm

    My ex wife gave me similar shit near the end. First, not a relationship expert. Now that’s out of the way. My experience was, I hung out with her friends and the she had similar complaints about me not letting her go out on weekends without me enough. So I let her do that. A week later it was over. If I could go back I would have ended it sooner but loneliness is a real scary thing. If she is threatening to break up over something that maybe just needs a 30 minute conversation and some makeup sex then it’s not a good sign of what’s to come. This is poor communication on her part. And maybe yours too. Tell her why you don’t want to hang out with her friends and talk through it. If she dumps you for telling the truth then take the out and move on.

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