My (f19) fiance (f25) of a year is complaining about having to help with newborn. Am I wrong to be upset?

This is going to be long, but please bear with me.

Me and my fiance (I call him my husband because we consider ourselves married even if we haven’t gotten officially married yet.) Are having arguments every day.

Here is the deal.

He thinks I’m being lazy or something. I admit, sometimes he takes on the majority of feedings and diaper changes. I’m not going to lie. But my whole world just got turned upside down and it’s taking me more time to adjust than I’d thought.

To start, I had a vaginal delivery. I went into labor with a hemoglobin of 9.3, which is not good at all. To make things worse, I had the most traumatic birth experience I could have imagined. The story is in my post history, titled “an update”. the episiotomy that saved my baby that the doctor almost refused to do, the severe blood loss making me lose consciousness and need a blood transfusion, seeing my baby struggling and blue on top of my epidural not working. It was bad.

I had to be cut twice and tore in one spot, they didn’t tell me how many stitches I got, so that makes me think it was a lot. The blood was pouring so badly it seemed like they could barely see to stitch me back up.

Well, it’s been about 9 days and it still hurts. I was only prescribed ibuprofen but couldn’t get that due to losing my Medicaid card. I have been dealing with this with absolutely 0 pain management. I have pulled a stitch loose as well.

I’m still bleeding pretty heavily and am concerned because last night I passed a blood clot that was almost exactly the size of a gold ball, the size they said to look out for.

My fiance is mad because he feels he’s “doing more than be should” in his own words.

It hurts for me to sit down and walk and go to the bathroom. I’m obviously suffering from pretty bad post partum depression, I’ve spent more days crying than not.

I have insomnia and a newborn doesn’t help with That. He doesn’t understand because he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

Yesterday, he slept until 1pm. I got up before 10 am and stayed up with the baby. Then later we layed down at about 6pm and he fell asleep while I layed there until 9:20 and had to take a benadryl to get any sleep. The baby started crying less than 20 minutes after I finally fell asleep, but of course I was the one who had to change and feed him, not the guy who’s gotten 6+ more hours of sleep than I have already, not counting the time it took before I could fall asleep the night before.

So when 10pm came around he got up and went to the store. He came back and watched the baby while I finally got some sleep. Only 2 hours, I got up at 12.

Guys he complained about having to watch the baby for the 2 or maybe 2 and a half hours while I was napping. I’m not joking. Then I was the only one who got up to change him and feed him the 4 times last night

As I was feeding and changing the baby while he slept, he was telling me I didn’t do shit.

I read the paperwork the hospital gave me about taking it easy and accepting help, but I can’t because he will bitch at me because he had to do the dishes and cook. I did the dishes several times yesterday and cleaned the entire bedroom and part of the living room, but I don’t do anything apparently.

Now he’s complaining that his stomach hurts, watch me have to do everything today only to get bitched at like all I do means nothing. I’m sorry his stomach hurts, but my vagina and my asshole feels like it’s getting stabbed from the inside and I don’t expect that to let up any time soon, especially with me overworking myself.

I’m more depressed than I’ve ever been in my life and he still insists on berating me and talking to me like a child, despite my pleas for him to stop.
I am only 19, he’s a little older. He’s already had a kid, which he abandoned by the way. I’ve never done this.

The other day I was having difficulty changing my son’s diaper and he basically called me stupid and told me it wasn’t that hard. Sure, it isn’t hard when you’ve already changed diapers of course. I don’t have that experience. He then went on to tell me he doesn’t trust me with the baby so he won’t be working. Wtf?

He threatened to leave me twice yesterday over this stuff, but he doesn’t know I’ve been contemplating leaving him. I want him to leave first. I want him to go ahead, after all that’s what he did to the mother of his last child.

I’m so tired of the back and forth and I think he knows it. He will talk down on me and leave me crying and then trick me into forgiving him with temporary love and affection. He will say he’s sorry and he loves me only to make me stay until he decides to hurt me again.


Fiance feels like he’s doing to much work because I’m recovering from a traumatic birth and can’t do much due to pain and depression. He berates me and threatens to leave me and just makes my postpartum depression even worse. He gets way more sleep than I do, but I’m the lazy one when I need a break from the house chores I’m not even supposed to be doing until I recover enough to be able to sit down without wanting to cry. I’ve already made one of my stitches loose overworking myself.

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58 thoughts on “My (f19) fiance (f25) of a year is complaining about having to help with newborn. Am I wrong to be upset?

  1. il1li2 March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    First things first, call up a family member and get them to come help you out.

    But why in god’s name would you have had a kid with this guy when you knew he abandoned his other child. And why are you going to marry him? This is just a series of bad decisions. Break the cycle, choose to stop making bad decisions…

  2. DFahnz March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    > He’s already had a kid, which he abandoned by the way

    That should have been your first clue. Find someone to stay with and get out of there, because you’re dealing with enough and you need to be around people who give a damn about you and what you’ve been through.

  3. DNAsplicelatte March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    At first I was reading this thinking it was fairly typical newborn sleep depravation stress on both sides but he’s actually being quite an asshole. He abandoned one mother and child and the relationship is falling into toxic patterns. How long were you guys together before you had the kid? sorry if it was in the text I missed it.

  4. EarlGreyEveryDay March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    You need to seek medical help ASAP. You cannot continue on like this. Do you have any other family or friends nearby who you could lean on for support?? Is there a planned parenthood in your area? Please use all the resources available to you. And tell your husband that you need his SUPPORT! You had a traumatic delivery 9 DAYS AGO. His attitude is horrific.

    I’m so so sorry you’re going through this – please get the help you need for your safety and for the safety of your baby.

  5. brew-ski March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm


    That big clot is serious, call the doctor NOW serious.

  6. VulneroseVulpes March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Man you’re only 19. If there was some chance you lived near me, I’d drop everything and come take care of that little baby so you can get some sleep. Screw your soon-to-be ex.

    Also why don’t you use over the counter ibuprofin? You can take 2400mg a day (12 pills or so depending on the brand)

  7. sirboogiethecat March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Do you have family close by OP. You need to stay with someone who isn’t going to treat you like shit when you’re recovering! I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through and on top of that, have an asshole for an SO.

    I think you need to get out of the house for now and stay with someone that is actually going to help and support you.

  8. MisterSnah March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    You need to come up with a Plan B that doesn’t include this dude. Where’s your family?

    I have a feeling he’s going to be a dead beat dad about a half dozen times over before all is said and done.

  9. zombietheater March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Go to your aunt. Contact a lawyer. Make sure your deadbeat “husband” is on the hook for child support so he can’t just up and leave this kid like he did with his last one.

  10. BountyHunterSAx March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    If you know all of this then why are you with him?!…!

  11. gertrudeblythe March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    I just wanted to let you know that ibuprophen is the same thing as Advil, it just comes as 800mg pills when prescribed. It’s over the counter as Advil or store brand ibuprophen. Ask your doctor to verify when you go in for the clotting issue.

    Now please go and leave this guy. This stress will make you ignore yourself, and you could have further complications.

  12. AlwaysDisposable March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    If you won’t leave your boyfriend for you, then leave him for your child. Your son doesn’t deserve to live in an abusive environment.

  13. intoxicatedbipolar March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Do not marry this man. I can’t believe he abandoned a kid and you decided to have a child with him. Honestly what did you expect? At this point you’re probably better off making arrangements to get out of this relationship. I would bet my last dollar that he does the same thing to you that he did to his last kid. Learn from this mistake, get on birth control, get your life together.

  14. MatildaImperatrix March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Your fiance already abandoned one child, and now he threatens to leave you while you are still VERY EARLY in recovery from a horrifying birth like this??? He is A MONSTER. You should not be doing anything right now but staying in bed and healing. I seriously can’t understand how your fiance could be such a massive piece of shit.

    Call your mom, call ANYONE. You need help and support right now desperately and you clearly can’t rely on the father of your child to provide it.

  15. CykamoreTres March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    The good thing is that you won’t have to worry about leaving this guy because he’ll kill you. No, seriously. Not directly, of course, but if he keeps pushing and complaining and demanding that you step up while you’re still bleeding, are depressed, have your hormones completely fucked up, are traumatised to no end… Post-partum depression or even worse is in your future and that needs to be prevented. Call up family members, get some help, get thee to a doctor because your condition still sounds far too serious and in the end – leave him. There’s no happiness in your future with this guy.

  16. itsstillyourdecision March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Oh honey, this is way too hard a life for 19. I can’t even fathom how stressed you are right now.

    I saw that you have the option of staying with your aunt. PLEASE go do this as soon as possible and do not bring your boyfriend with you. He’s not just not being helpful, he’s being *actively harmful.* If you are close with your aunt, tell her how he’s been acting – she’ll probably know ways to help you get on your feet and get rid of him. You would probably find that it would be easier to raise the child alone than with a man like this.

  17. Misstessi March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Have you considered adoption?

  18. fwooby_pwow March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    >He’s already had a kid, which he abandoned by the way.

    That tells you all you need to know.

    Call your friends and family to come over, regardless of what he wants. You need to get some outside help and relax, or you could die. This is fucking serious, and if he’s not going to care, you need to.

  19. imryaan96 March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    (I call him my husband because we consider ourselves married even if we haven’t gotten officially married yet.)

    THANK GOD YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. You think this guy will be a loving caring father for your kid and abandon his first kid? I HIGHLY doubt it.

    Just leave and as other mentioned, contact your family, that is the best call.

  20. paradisefound March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Please take the people who are telling you to go to the doctor seriously. If you don’t have a ride, call your doctor’s office and see if they can help you arrange medical transport or a taxi. Bring the baby because you don’t know how long you will need to be there. But seriously, this baby really needs you to not be dead. You are very sleep-deprived and have a partner who is borderline abusive so you aren’t thinking clearly. GO TO THE DOCTOR. At a minimum, call your doctor right now.

  21. Floweringpooops March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Why the hell are you marrying such a piece of shit? Also why did you have a child with him considering he surely showed the same character traits he’s showing now when you guys were dating. But whatever let’s focus on the future and actionable advice.

    Don’t marry him.

  22. HatsAndTopcoats March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this after what sounds like a truly horrific ordeal giving birth.

    He is a lazy asshole piece of shit. He would rather tear you down than step up and take care of his family when he’s needed. This is his test and he has failed with flying colors.

    After you leave him, if you feel the urge to go back to him, come back and read this post again. Especially this part:

    >I’m so tired of the back and forth and I think he knows it. He will talk down on me and leave me crying and then trick me into forgiving him with temporary love and affection. He will say he’s sorry and he loves me only to make me stay until he decides to hurt me again.

  23. Miloreh1988 March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    7 weeks ago I gave birth and required an episeotomy and had a 3rd degree tear alongside that. With that in mind it is vital you have a good support system and are able to take good care of yourself.

    Do you have any family you can go to? This man is toxic and you need to get away from him. His behaviour is unacceptable and the last thing you need right now.

  24. pretzel_logic_esq March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    If you’re passing golf ball sized clots call a fucking ambulance for a ride. You need a doctor, now.

    And then leave this guy and see if you can have him sign off on terminating his parental rights if you’re interested in adopting.

  25. Ilikekets March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Get off Reddit.
    Call your aunt.
    Go to the hospital.
    Leave and save yourself and your baby.

    I think everyone here wants to grab your shoulders and yell GET OUT!!! You know the answer already, now start moving. He is an abuser, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t let him win. I wish you the best, I hope to god that you leave.

  26. Circa1205 March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    OMG! Seriously pack your shit and leave this dude. Get a family member to help you. You’re supposed to take it easy particularly in the first two weeks while you’re healing. In my release instructions it even said I shouldn’t drive the first two weeks. You could cause yourself serious complications down the road if you don’t take it easy. As a man, as a partner, as a father, as a human being, he should be understanding of this and step his ass up and not care if he has to stay up for two days straight and take care of the baby. His priority should you and the baby, and he’s being a selfish ass. Is this seriously the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? I wouldn’t.

  27. hypnoganja March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    First, let me say I’m so sorry you don’t have the support you need from him. He should be doing everything in his power to help out so you can recover from giving birth, especially after experiencing the trauma you went through.

    My experience was very similar to yours. I gave birth at 19 (baby’s dad was also 6 years older than me) and I also had a somewhat traumatic L&D experience; we spent 5 days in the hospital – 1.5 days for labor and delivery and another 3.5 days in NICU because my baby was jaundice. My then-BF (now ex of 10+ years) slept any chance he got while we were in the hospital despite the nurses telling him it was me that needed to rest and it was him that needed to get up and take care of the baby, and the only reason I was to be woken up was to feed baby. I woke up to baby screaming followed by a nurse coming in to yell at baby daddy because he was sleeping while I was slowly getting up to tend to our baby. The nurse berated him, he just sat there in a stunned daze acting like an idiot by trying to argue with her. This should’ve been a sign of things to come but I was so sore, so tired, and so worried about my baby that I overlooked it. He tried to take the baby from me so I pushed him away and told him to leave us alone, that if sleep was more important he should just go home since he wasn’t being helpful or supportive anyway. He promised he would do better. The day we came home from the hospital it was just the me, him and the baby at my house (we didn’t live together). The baby was screaming because they were hungry so I put the diaper bag down and tried to nurse but baby wouldn’t latch. I was trying to calm baby down and keep myself calm when baby daddy got an inch from my face and started screaming into my ear to just “GIVE BABY THE FUCKING FORMULA!” I was adamant that I wanted to try to get baby to latch so I could nurse and moved my head out of the way but couldn’t get up because I was holding baby and he leaned over and continued to scream in my face. He finally snatched the baby from my arms and shoved a bottle of formula in baby’s mouth and baby stopped crying. He kept shouting “SEE?! STUPID BITCH!” I just sat there dejected with my breast still out, leaking milk everywhere, sobbing. He again called me a dumb bitch and told me to get up off the floor, clean up the mess and “put [my] fucking tits away before someone gets home and sees.” I stayed with him for another 3.5 years and nothing improved. He continued to abuse me, and he kept doing it in front of the baby with increasing frequency. I left him the day he punched the driver side window in my car by reaching across me from the passenger seat, nearly missing my face, then he proceeded to punch the front windshield and cracked it all while my 2.5 year old baby was screaming for me in the back seat, witnessing everything. I truly believe leaving him saved my life.

    Your first step should be to reach out to family or friends for help, someone you can confide in. If they can’t stay with you at your home, take your son and go stay with them. Once there, make a plan for how to leave the relationship. Do NOT marry this guy, he is toxic and abusive. Once you’re away from him, take some time to write down every incident you can think of, don’t leave out any details and try to keep it strictly to the facts. You can mention how you felt in those moments “I was scared” “I was worried he was going to hurt me” etc. but keep it in context for each incident. You also need to be honest with yourself that you may be overlooking a bunch of red flags because you love him or because he’s able to sweet talk his way out of something. You’re a new mom and you’re young so you’re vulnerable and you need to keep your wits about you. Muster up every ounce of strength you can, for yourself and your son, so you can build the courage to leave your abusive relationship. It helps to have a support system but if you don’t have one there are resources available for women in your situation.

    As someone who has been in your shoes I know how terrifying it is. Looking back, I wish I had the courage and support to leave that relationship long before I actually did. I wish I had found the inner strength, even without support, to take my baby and leave that shitty environment sooner because it would have prevented so much shit from compounding. I also wish I had gotten into therapy immediately so I could begin healing from the trauma and abuse and be a better mom. It’s all hindsight which is why I’m sharing my story with you now, so you can (hopefully) avoid making the same poor decisions I made. Your BF is not someone you want to spend your life with, and he is not a good role model for your son.

    I wish you the best, OP.

  28. unhappymedium March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Please don’t marry this guy. He’s abusing you and he’s completely unreliable, not to mention a horrible POS who has already abandoned his own flesh and blood. At his age, he’s not going to change for the better. If you have family you can rely on, thing about returning to them.

    I hope you’re feeling better soon, OP.

  29. helendestroy March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    >He’s already had a kid, which he abandoned by the way.

    I’m really sorry that you have to find out the hard way that this man should never ever have been a parent – with you or anyone.

  30. MrsBoo March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Oh damn. This is a hot mess. Do you have anyone you can call to come help you? I mean anyone. Mom, dad, sister, brother, cousin, neighbor, etc? First of all, call someone to help you. Secondly, call your doctor. Passing golf ball size clots is not something to mess around with when you’re already low on blood. Also, get some over the counter ibuprofen and take the prescribed milligrams from an OTC bottle. They prescribed 600mg? Take 3 200 mg tablets. Also, if you are in a ton of pain, set up a timer and take it however often the doctor prescribed. It is easier to stay ahead of pain than to get behind and be chasing it. After this crisis is over, I would be gone. Take the baby and go to wherever you can where you have support. This relationship is not healthy.

    I’ve been married for almost 15 years. We have three kids, all spread out over those years. My last one, I had to have an emergency c-section. I went down to a blood count of lower than 6. I had to have a transfusion. I also got pneumonia from being laid up in the hospital for so long. Do you know what my husband did? Every.Thing. He did everything. All diaper changes. He handed me a hungry baby to nurse and he stood by and helped me hold him while I nursed. He took our older kids out to the bus stop and ran to the store if we needed it. He cooked or picked up dinner. All while I was laid up and having a hard time breathing and pale as a ghost from losing so much blood. He didn’t even complain. He just did it. That is what your “fiancé” should be doing. The time after having a baby is the most stressful time in a relationship, and he is showing you exactly who he is. Believe him.

  31. LustfulGumby March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm


    you need rest. Your body needs to recover. He is abusing you emotionally and treating you horrifically.

    Please leave him. Go to your moms, dads, grandmas, aunts, best friends house….you need to let whoever you trust read this post and then ask if they will help you. Please talk to your OB about your pain and bleeding (though I was told don’t freak out unless your clots were larger than baseballs.) DO NOT MARRY HIM. This won’t get better.

  32. tacolandia March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Leave him and file for child support.
    Do it..
    Fucking do it!
    You can do it!

  33. HollowsOfYourHeart March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    He doesn’t want to be a father and resents having to do ANY work or take his share of responsibility.

  34. luro2 March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Wouldn’t it be nice if you got your Medicaid card back, if you lived with a supportive relative, and you were receiving child support from this clown and didn’t have to clean up after him or listen to his insults?

  35. Yourmomlikestacos March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    >He’s already had a kid, which he abandoned by the way. I’ve never done this.

    That should tell you everything you need to know about this guy. You need real help from a family member or a friend.

  36. youwotpal March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Oh girl you made a big mistake getting with him. He has no empathy and he’s welded to ideas about role and gender. You should leave him sooner rather than later for the sake of your own sanity

  37. TheInkLeftToDry March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Kay so you just went through 9 months of pregnancy, which is difficult, stressful, and hard on your body as it is; and THEN a HORRIFIC birth that most women would take AT LEAST a months off for, (news flash, it’s a major surgery you pushed a whole tiny human outside of your vagina and got injuries and bled out during) and he’s upset cuz he had to do what he should’ve been expecting to do in the first place?

    Hell to the no. Women’s shelters, family, friends, anything you can do to get the hell out of Dodge. This guy is an abusive asshole who is not going to do anything but make you feel worse about yourself and possibly cause you to have permanent bodily damage.

  38. DadJokeWitch March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Oh OP, there is a reason he started dating you when you were 18 (assuming it didn’t start younger). People in their mid-twenties didn’t wanna bother with him because he is – to put it as mildly as possible – a dick. An abusive dick.

    You and your baby deserve better.

    Link up with family, move in and get the support you deserve. Other redditors have already said this but it remains true!

    Break off the engagement and leave him for good. He is abusive and manipulative and you need to heal and be with people who love you.

    Terminate his rights while you’re at it so he’ll really be out of the picture. At 19, You have so much more of your life ahead with somebody who is going to love you and your baby.
    Definitely not this fuckstick.

    My heart is with you and the little one. Good luck.

  39. Userdataunavailable March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    I work at a pharmacy and if you were prescribed Ibuprofen, it can be bought at your local drugstore without a written prescription and you may just have to take more pills to equal the same dose. Take your written prescription in and talk to the Pharmacist on duty at the drugstore, it’s free and they will be happy to help!

  40. cinnapear March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    > He threatened to leave me twice yesterday over this stuff, but he doesn’t know I’ve been contemplating leaving him. I want him to leave first. I want him to go ahead, after all that’s what he did to the mother of his last child.

    Wait, do you want to marry this guy or not? Here’s a life tip: never marry anyone who calls you names during arguments.

  41. blushingpervert March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Hi Sammy Bean,
    First, I am sorry that your first several days with your sweet new baby have been like this. This is NOT an indicator for how motherhood will be and you are going to thrive in your role once you’re healed.

    Second, I was in your situation though admittedly not as dire. I was almost 21 and my partner at the time was almost 24. I too did not know how many stitches I had. I just typed out a laundry list of things that my former partner did and how he treated me, but none of that matters. Here’s what does: my life is 10000000x better since I got the courage to leave him than it ever could have been with him. My child’s life is so much better as well. However, if I could go back and give advice to my younger self it would be to leave earlier before my daughter remembered him. She still has deep sadness I. Her heart still has such sadness in it about her dad even 4 years since he was last involved.

    You will do just fine on your own. Truly. Better than you are now. He has shown you time and time again who he is.

    Best of luck.

  42. Ladybear4 March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    I agree with all the other voices saying to run. Take your baby and get to a trusted relative’s house, or a hospital, and tell them you don’t feel safe.

  43. fuzzyqueen March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Time for desperate measures. Call a family member and get out. Start the legal proceedings to validate paternity and child support. And then call his mother, explain that while he is a shitwad, you want to maintain a relationship between her and her grandchild.

  44. ProseHos March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Don’t wait for him to leave. He likes having the threat of leaving you to hold over your head. You need to leave him immediately. He is a toxic person. He does not care about you.

  45. cmcg1227 March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Do you have any family members and/or friends who could help you out? Anywhere you could go?

    Unfortunately, what you’re experiencing isn’t uncommon in the least. Many parents (and its not always, but usually the male), don’t comprehend what parenting a newborn is like before its born, and then do not step up to do so. Parenting is HARD. Its practically impossible to truly prepare for unless you’ve done it before. It comes as a shock to almost everyone.

    For now, my advice would be to see if you can go stay with someone else who can help you take care of your baby and recover from birth. Focus on that for now, and then you can decide if you want to continue your relationship or not. I would recommend NOT, but that of course is up to you.

    Another question…how involved is he with his other child?

  46. troublehunter March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    There’s really no advice on how to “fix” this relationship, and it really doesn’t matter if you’re right or wrong in being upset.

    You made a lot of bad calls here, and you need to start undoing them ASAP, the best you can. You can’t change this guy. But you can change some things about yourself:

    1. Stop keeping score. About everything. About who did what for how many hours and how many bad things happened to you that add up to however many naps you should get, etc etc. Keeping a mental score for everything going on around you and whether it’s “fair” or not is a great way to become a really bitter, unlikable person. Instead, look at the big picture: you’re exhausted and in pain, and this guy isn’t pulling his weight to help or being kind. That’s it.

    2. Take ownership of YOUR choices, past and present. Having a kid with someone who has abandoned a kid was a bad choice. Having a kid with someone you’ve only been seeing three months was a bad choice. Planning to marry someone who treats you poorly is a bad choice. Having a kid and planning a marriage when you can’t even afford ibuprofen is a bad choice. You made those choices. Now that you’re here, what is a GOOD choice you can make that will impact you positively instead of negatively?

    3. Decide what is important to you. Is it this baby you have now? Is it your mental health? Or is it your “husband” who you’re luckily not actually legally bound to yet? You’re only 19, you’ve got plenty of time to start making smarter decisions. Make one right now, today. Look at your **entire situation**, not who is getting more naps, weigh your options, and make a large, good decision. That may be something like “I’ve decided that since you will not give me the support I need, I will be taking the baby to my mom/aunt/helpful friend’s house for a while so I have someone to help me while I recover. Once I’m feeling a bit better, we need to sit down and discuss this relationship.” Or it may be something else. Only you know what your options and resources are. Think them through and do something good for yourself and the baby.

    Best of luck.

  47. wepwepwepwe March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    OP, I barely started getting out of bed 9 days postpartum. My SO did everything. And I didn’t even have a complicated birth. Please find a relative or anyone you can stay with for now – you need rest and you need to be taken care of. Don’t worry about anything else other than your health and baby. Now is your time to be 100% self-centered – your little baby needs you.

  48. rilakkuma1 March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Is it possible for you to stay with your parents while you recover? You’re already taking care of this baby while recovering. You shouldn’t have to do it while being treated like shit as well. And then hopefully once you’re well and have your family as a support network, you’ll feel ready to leave him.

  49. Wubbalubbadubbitydo March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Girl no it’s not unreasonable. My husband stayed home for two months and helped care for the baby. I had an incredibly easy recovery (despite a terrible birth) and he was still there to help.

    If I were you, since you’re thinking of leaving already would have a come to Jesus talk with him. Explicitly tell him about the bloody asshole, show him if you have to. And if worst come to worst show him this post where we are al saying he’s being a piece of shit.

  50. gnooft March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    If you could go stay with your aunt, maybe try framing it to yourself and him as a decision to help with your recovery from the traumatic birth rather than ‘leaving him’ if you think you’re not ready for that yet. If you can get into a situation where you can get more sleep, more peace of mind and if not more help with the baby (ideally that too) then less (zero???) emotional abuse for needing any help with the baby/sleeping at all/being a new mum, then do it! You’re currently worse off than a single parent by a long way. Look after yourself.

  51. HanabinoOto March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    I just had my baby on the 8th. My stitches are twinging in sympathy with you. Have you called your doctor about the clot and the torn stitch? They may have left you a “labor and delivery” hotline to call in your discharge paperwork. Otherwise just call your provider and hassle them til you get some help. You should say “I’m not safe at home” bc it’s true, and it might light a fire under their as s to help you.

    I’m also on Ibuorofin and Acetaminophen. These can be grabbed off the shelf at any CVS, so don’t worry about your Medicaid, and it’s like 5 dollars a bottle. I’m on 1000 mg of acetaminophen every six hours, and 600 mg of Ibuorofin every six hours, and a stool softener every 12. Also sitting on frozen peas for 15 minutes at a time to releive that swelling. You don’t need to break the bank for this stuff, really, send Mr Pouts out to get some, it’s worth putting up with his bitchingbto get some relief.

  52. Wackydetective March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    How on earth are you managing with no pain medication, a newborn baby and a man baby? Seriously, this is terrible! Do you have any family or friends that you can call? You should not have to do this alone.

  53. chulzle March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    First of all, I am so sorry you have to deal with this and real life is slapping you in the face at 19. Unfortunately this is what relationships look like at 19. He should be a little wiser and older – at 25 if he is acting like this he is a piece of shit. Also, I am so sorry that you probably did not have a good example of a father figure in your life to allow yourself to end up with someone that behaves this way. I would not marry him. Please find another way to support yourself, move in with a friend or a family member and part ways if you can before it’s too late. 10 years later when you’re 30 and established, smarter, wiser – you will thank me. But right now, you’re 9 days post delivery. Darling, he should be massaging your feet 5 times a day and taking care of the baby while you’re recovering. If he’s not there for you during your hardest time in your life to date, he won’t be there for the easier parts either. I’m sorry, but no. You have to re-direct your life now, and please find better mentors. Please.

  54. dbhammel March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    I’m sorry you are going through this, it is a difficult thing to do raisin a newborn, no less so with a partner who is fighting you along the way. Others have said what is necessary regarding your fiancee. I’ll leave that alone and try to offer some help with the baby. One thing that really helped my wife and I was to realize you don’t need to change a baby overnight. When the baby cries at night try to keep it as barely awake as possible, don’t change it, don’t turn on the lights, don’t make much noise. Feed the baby and try to get it back to sleep with as little disruption as possible. This will help it get back to sleep sooner and hopefully sleep longer.

    I’m no expert but I’ve got a 1 year old and have gone through plenty of what you are going through. Feel free to pm me or reach out on /r/parenting for helpful hints with that baby. As for the fiance….good luck!

  55. WeirdGrowth March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    Honey I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You shouldn’t have to be under this much stress. I know you don’t want to be making big decisions right now, but you need to at least find yourself some support that is not him – what he’s putting you through is just straight up cruel. Go stay with your parents if you can, just up and take the baby and yourself and move back in with them for a few months. If that isn’t an option, contact local women’s shelters and see what resources are available, you honestly will be better off in a woman’s shelter than you will with him. And don’t think just because he hasn’t hit you he’s not being abusive, he absolutely is.

    As you heal, work on yourself. Go look up a website called and do the tests, work on your self esteem, get into therapy if you can to get support in healing your sense of self. You CAN get away from this cruel monster of a man if you work on yourself and find your self love again. Do it for you, do it for your baby. You both deserve SO much more than this awful man.

    Get away from him, get the wheels rolling on your own self care physically and mentally/emotionally, and then get him on the hook for child support. Focus on getting away from this guy, he’s showing you exactly who he is and what your future with him will look like, and it’s terrible. You can DO this, you’re strong, you’re life is not over, this is just something to solve, there will be better things for you and your babby in future.

  56. Blondiebear2 March 14, 2018 / 10:31 pm

    I haven’t read all the comments so forgive me if I’m repeating myself. I had a birth very similar to yours. It took a solid 6 months to feel “normal” again down there (not to scare you, I know everyone is different) my son’s bio Dad did absolutely nothing to help but would also put me down and tell me I was being dramatic and should just “get over it” when I complained about hurting. You are not wrong to be upset. You absolutely need sleep and time to heal. Over doing it is just going to hurt you in the long run (take it from me, I busted my ass to tidy the house and care for a newborn and cook etc)
    I also had left before and worried I wouldn’t be able to leave again. Think of it this way. Do you want your son to grow up thinking this is normal behavior? Do you want your son to be treated this way? Put down when he needs help? I don’t know your relationship so perhaps I’m overstepping but neither of you deserve to be treated that way. Find a family member or a friend to help you and kick his ass to the curb. You grew a HUMAN. With your body. And then pushed that human out. You damn sure deserve time to heal and rest.

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