My[25M] boyfriend raised his voice at me and I[20F] got angry, so he hanged up and didn’t apologise even after a day, tells me to change while not showing love

Context: we met at my classmate’s birthday party one year and a half ago and he is her cousin. It was ‘love at first sight’ and he was smitten with me.

He made me promise things I understood in the moment, but ultimately later I was not completely agreeing to them so I broke some promises. Example: Don’t go into pools please because they are full of bacteria( true, I agree, but at that point I have been going with my family to pools since I was little, it was a habit ).

Lots of other promises that will make him look like a bad guy who tried to change me. Things started going downhill when, after like 9 months I went into a pool because my family insisted.

Since then I started broke other promises. Never cheated or stuff like that. His complaints:
-He tried to make me evolve into a better human. (My note is that he succeded on some parts, I was less lazy, got admitted into uni where I wanted, I got rit of my obsession with being present on social media) .

But he tells me he didn’t succed, that I didn’t evolve at all and I still don’t listen to him. I’ve done so so so so so many things for him and he is still not pleased. His main complaint is that we don’t have good communication.

-I don’t tell him my feelings, I’m more introverted and he is extroverted. I process things in my head then talk about them with him, and he gets angry when he asks me what happened and I don’t say anything, only to tell him what happened after half an hour because I finally realised what’s bothering me. That I don’t talk with him enough.

But let me tell you, he made me do so many changes I got kind of scared of him. He doesn’t feel like a lover anymore, but an authority I am scared of. Of course I am never being fully honest with him and not sharing my truest feelings. I know my truest feelings would make him sad. Like how he thinks I am this better human that gave up social media and dresses nicely but I still wish I could post stuff online and wear shorter skirts.

And thing is he doesn’t show me affection anymore, love. Just tells me he loves me. He’s not cheating, he is loyal. But has become cold, and he blames it on stress from uni and exams. HE tells me! that I need to be more seductive and stuff because we passed that stage in our relationship at the beginning where everything was happening easy.

So while not being affectionate at all, he is telling me constantly to change change change myself, arguing that it’s not him wanting to change my personality but my defects to become better. So that makes me think he will only show love if I change.

I have had a few days off from college to stay at home and learn day and night. Didn’t see him in those days. Not even once has he told me he misses me. It’s been a long time since he told me I am beautiful, or looking good. His reason: you already know that. Nope.

Yesterday we were talking on the phone about something and I said something like a stupid question about the subject, and he got pissed of by it and raised his voice a bit. I got very pissed at him not apologizing for getting angry for something stupid and speaking to me like that and he closed the call, didn’t call him and he closed his phone. Since that evening it’s afternoon a day later and he hasn’t called or anything.

He never apologises, I can count on my fingers how many times. I am always the one who ends up apologising because he makes me think it’s my fault a fight starts.

This is not looking good , is it?

**tl;dr**: My boyfriend asks me to change while not showing love, makes me think he doesn’t love me for what I am, but for what I can be, in his eyes. He is so proud he can’t even call me back after raising his voice for something stupid. Is this relationship doomed?

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19 thoughts on “My[25M] boyfriend raised his voice at me and I[20F] got angry, so he hanged up and didn’t apologise even after a day, tells me to change while not showing love

  1. OliviaPresteign February 13, 2018 / 11:28 pm

    Wait, pools? Like, swimming pools?

    Don’t date someone who scares you. The person you’re in a relationship with is supposed to make you feel safe.

  2. DiTrastevere February 13, 2018 / 11:28 pm

    Your boyfriend doesn’t love you, he loves projects. Unfortunately for him, people aren’t projects, and relationships based in one partner “fixing” the other are doomed. Particularly when the things they want to “fix” are as petty and nonsensical as *banning you from swimming pools*.

    This relationship is making you miserable. Past time to walk away.

  3. anyanka_eg February 13, 2018 / 11:28 pm

    He says the pool thing is about bacteria but it’s not. He doesn’t want you in a swim suit. He doesn’t want you spending time with your family. Leave him. He’s abusive and unpleasant.

  4. unhappymedium February 13, 2018 / 11:28 pm

    Look, you are in a controlling, abusive relationship. He forbids you from doing normal things, like going swimming, makes you stop doing things you enjoy, like posting online, controls what clothes you wear, doesn’t respect that you process situations differently from him and now he’s becoming verbally abusive. You need to get out of the situation as soon as possible.

  5. Rei_Miyuki February 13, 2018 / 11:28 pm

    This guy is pretty obviously a manipulative asshole who doesn’t appreciate you. And you know it – the fear that you express in how you act with him demonstrates it.

    Get out of this. It’s not going to get better for you.

  6. Stranger0nReddit February 13, 2018 / 11:28 pm

    Please realize this is not a good relationship and end it. He’s is completely trying to control you and then gets angry with you when you don’t do exactly what *he* wants? Yeah, that’s not okay. The first red flag was that he wanted to change you right from the get go. You don’t go into a relationship trying to change who a person is. Period. If he doesn’t like you as you are then you guys are not right for each other. You should not stand for his behavior, though. You’re supposed to be *partners* and it very much sounds like he thinks he is superior to you.

  7. Bytemite February 13, 2018 / 11:28 pm

    He didn’t tell you to not go to swimming pools because there’s bacteria (although that’s true), he told you not to go for the same reason he tells you not to wear short skirts or post on social media. It’s more likely he’s afraid of people looking at you than he is a germophobe, and he was trying to hide that behind a flimsy excuse.

    All the other stuff, you are a project to him, not an equal partner. He’s controlling and he doesn’t love you for who you are, only what he can turn you into. This is a non-starter. I’m sorry.

  8. Traffic_Spiral February 13, 2018 / 11:28 pm

    Gurl, run. This is some Christian-Grey levels of creepy. It’s not his place to control you, even if he thinks he can make you a better person – you still shouldn’t control people.

  9. capt_pierce February 13, 2018 / 11:28 pm

    Evolve? Is he what, a pokemon trainer?
    But you’re probably don’t live in a small ball and he…seems not loving you as you are. He withholds affection like you need to proof that you are worthy of it. Like only “ideal version” of you can be loved.
    So imagine, what if you’ll never be this ideal? (Harder level: What if you’ll never be “better” than now?) How will you spend your life then? How long will you want to stay in this relationship?

    (Also, Pikachu chose to not evolve. He wanted to prove that he is good as he is. You don’t have to become something else to win and you don’t have to become something else to be with a person who cherish you.)

  10. everyoneis_gay February 13, 2018 / 11:28 pm

    I literally just said “what the FUCK?” out loud.

    This is not normal. None of this is normal. Get out.

  11. Sangfroidity February 13, 2018 / 11:28 pm

    > This is not looking good , is it?


    Read Lundy Bancroft’s “Why does he do that?” it’s probably available in your library or google will bring up a free PDF.

    Your bf is controlling and abusive. You have to leave.

  12. Leogirly February 13, 2018 / 11:28 pm

    He’s being controlling. Get out. He’s an a$$

  13. dukeofbun February 13, 2018 / 11:28 pm

    He’s a controlling man and he’s going to get worse so just leave him now. He’ll throw everything he can at you, that he deserves better and you could have been great or that you’ll never do better than him or that you can’t be trusted to make that decision, he might change tactic and start love bombing you… just know that men like him are predictable and you won’t get the love and support that you want from him.

    He doesn’t want you for who you are, but as something he can push around to make him feel better about himself.

    This is not a reflection of your worth but his failings and insecurities. This is not a job for you to fix, this is a situation for you to get out of.

  14. jyssrocks February 13, 2018 / 11:28 pm

    Your bf is controlling and this is indicative of abuse. You’re an adult, your significant other is supposed to be a PARTNER not an AUTHORITY.

    Drop him and find a healthy relationship with someone who appreciates you, and shows it with both words and actions, as opposed to constantly trying to change you.

  15. erosandmagick February 13, 2018 / 11:28 pm

    No this doesn’t look good. You have so many reasons to break up with him and I don’t understand why you would want to stay

  16. myaN7 February 13, 2018 / 11:28 pm

    Oh my gosh, please break up with him. He is super controlling and abusive. The “I’m just trying to make you better” excuse is soooo common in controlling relationships. He’s isolating you from friends and family, he’s controlling what you wear and who you talk to, and he’s punishing you whenever you don’t meet his crazy demands. I was in a relationship exactly like this, so I understand that things can seem different when you’re on the inside. He’s probably very good at convincing you that you’d be worse off without him, that you’ll never find someone as good as him, etc. Don’t believe his lies. Please please please tell your family what’s going on, and get into some form of therapy. Make a plan for leaving him – don’t give him the opportunity to argue with you or talk to you out of it. Pack your stuff and get out while he’s away at school or work. Cut off all communication with him as soon as you’re gone. You don’t owe him an explanation or a chance to redeem himself. Anything he tells you at this point is just going to be manipulation.

  17. Veiran February 13, 2018 / 11:28 pm

    First: Do not try to change yourself just because someone tells you to change; do so because *you* want to be better.
    Second: It’s good that you’re reaching out to get advice. It can be hard to discern fact from fiction in abusive relationships, so getting other opinions can help ground your perspective.

    As for your last question: No, things aren’t looking good. Since you’re feeling neglected and bullied, my first inclination is for you to end it. Regardless of how much time you’ve spent together, abuse is abuse even if it’s merely psychological and you do *not* have to put up with that.

    Perhaps couple’s counseling could help, though I doubt it. Disconnect yourself from any feelings you may have developed for this guy, if you can, and ask yourself, “Am I happy with this man?” If the answer is no or not a direct ‘yes’, then find the resolve to tell him that you don’t want to see him any more. Be prepared for water works or attempts to change your mind; so long as your resolve is firm, you’ll do just fine.

  18. SouthEastSoresu February 13, 2018 / 11:28 pm

    I´m so sorry that you are going through this.

    Your bf sounds very much like my dad, and i think your bf is acting like hes your dad too.

    I think that he does love you (he made you do things to improve yourself, he was accountable to your success)…. but not in a very healthy way (he is manipulative and your relationahip is not an balanced one, he has too much authority).

    The solution is, i believe, honesty. You need to be honest that you dont feel safe, (not enough for u to share your true feelings) and his behaviour hurts you. From my exp, i think he doesnt realised that hes hurting your emotion. You need to tell him this with EMPHASIS. ( I hurt one of my collegues’ feeling while we were planning on a project. I didnt realise this until 2 weeks later. I deeply regret that. I made up with her but it still hurts me till now to know that i hurt sb). I guess somtimes some ppl dont realise how their action effect others’ feeling.

    Also, your bf needs to change. He needs to understand what matters in life. Yes, getting into uni, getting jobs,…those stuffs matters, but your WELL-BEING counts too. Besides, he need to learn how to be more sensible in how he treat you, and how to be supportive while helping you become better.

    TLDR: Be honest about how you feel. Tell him you are not happy. Tell him to be more supportive. He needs to change too.

    I wish u all the best OP. Hope that things will work out for you. Lots of love from this stranger. <3

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