Out the cheater to his wife

My wife (33yo) and I (33yo) have been together for 18 years, married for almost 10 years. But two months ago I found out my wife had been having an affair for almost a year with a guy coworker (28yr). I filed for divorce but I also know they’re still together. It just so happens that I ran into the other guy with his wife (yeah he’s married too) last Friday night at a restaurant. I didn’t say anything to him there because I was so dumbfounded by how obvious it was that his wife has no idea of the affair that was and is happening under her nose. So I’d like to get some special revenge on this other guy for Valentine’s Day. Does anybody have any excellent ideas to let his wife know anonymously about her deadbeat husband?

TL;DR the other guys wife has no idea he’s cheating on her with my wife. I’d like to tell her anonymously and get him caught by playing two women on Valentine’s Day.

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28 thoughts on “Out the cheater to his wife

  1. snowcitrine February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    His wife is in the same position you were, and I urge you to think about your actions from the lens of what you would want someone to do if they were exposing your wife’s affair to you. Focus on her, not on her husband.

  2. sticksticklee February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    She deserves to know so she can decide if she wants to leave him but it is incredibly cruel to drop this on her on Valentine’s Day just because you want to get back at him.

    If you tell her you need to do it civilly and politely and stop trying to use it as a way to get revenge on him.

  3. muckducktothemind February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    I don’t like where this is coming from but I do think she should know and you should not be anonymous. She will need to be comforted, and maybe you (as a person in the same situation affected by the same people) can offer her that.

  4. Life_Fantastic February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    You don’t *actually* give a shit about this woman. If you did, you would be worrying about how to do this as gently as possible, in a way that was compassionate, in a way that she’d believe you.

    No, this is about *you*. Your desire for revenge, your anger, which doesn’t care all that much about collateral damage so long as you can hurt your ex and the guy she cheated on you with.

    If you want to maintain any kind of moral high ground, contact this woman and in the gentlest, kindest way you can, inform her that your wife and her husband had an affair. Provide any details of their meetings that will allow her to believe you. Don’t carry out some stupid “send her flowers with the other woman’s name” idiocy. Your sense of poetic justice is just masked *selfishness*. You want to make him sweat, you don’t care if her Valentine’s Day is ruined or that you put her in a state of anxiety and distrust because of your cryptic message instead of being given the straight truth.

    You want satisfaction and you don’t care if innocent people get hurt. How are you any better than your ex and that guy?

  5. seraphistic February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    She does have a right to know, yes, but don’t ruin Valentine’s Day for her. Don’t do it anonymously either, or it seems staged and faked. Try to have proof so she believes it and can plan a good way to leave.

    Think it through.

  6. Karabarra2 February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    Please keep in mind that it’s not just the life of the other guy you are ruining; you are also ruining the life of his wife. I 100% think that she needs to know her husband is cheating on her. But by doing something cruel to *him* on Valentine’s Day, you will also be doing something cruel to *her*. She doesn’t deserve that pain and humiliation.

    Here’s my suggestion: put aside your need for petty revenge and be the bigger man. Tell this poor woman about her husband cheating. Do it in a respectful manner because, when you do it, you will be upending her life. Don’t do it anonymously, because she needs to know who you are and how you came into the information about her husband cheating. And, whatever action you want to take, remember that this poor woman is as innocent in all of this as you are, and she does not deserve to receive any of the brunt of your anger towards her husband.

  7. blondecalypso February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    She does deserve to know. You were in the same exact position as she is now. You had all the facts to make a choice about your relationship. Give her the same choice. Contact her and tell her who you are and exactly what happened

  8. TomLube February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    Just saying, she probably won’t believe you frankly. But it’s up to you what to do.

  9. original-pucho February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    I think op is out for revenge and not really worried about the woman. Honestly if it helps you get over this then i would say to just tell her flat out and be done with it. Best of luck, dude.

  10. dogcatsnake February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    The best revenge on this guy will be to inform the wife in some way that will allow her to move forward with her head held high and make him look even worse than he is. Meaning, you need to tell her in a way that a) makes it certain that she believes you (i.e. don’t do something stupid like someone else mentioned and send him flowers from her name or something that he can wiggle his way out of), and b) make it so that HE doesn’t know that SHE does know, so that she can gather her thoughts about how she wants to proceed legally and get a leg-up on him so she can take him for all he’s worth!

  11. francisgreenbean February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    You realize that if you blow up the affair specifically for Valentine’s Day you’re going to make it very difficult for his poor wife to take any joy in Valentine’s Day for god knows how many years if ever again? I get that you’re angry and you’re hurt but you may want to find more sympathy for the one person who’s in the same shitty boat you’re in.

    I am by no means saying don’t tell her, but tell her because she deserves to know, not because you want to get off on petty revenge. Don’t try to make it some grandiose bullshit. Just reach out to her, tell her, and give her any evidence you have.

  12. acar87 February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    Probably going to get downvotes to hell, but you could send flowers to the wife, but instead of her name put your wife’s name.

    Make sure you sign it his name and put some details on the card that couldn’t be a mistake with the florist. Oh maybe even use a florist close to his work or something.

    I don’t think it’s mean for her to find out on Vday. When she does eventually find out, all the holidays they spent while he was cheating will be tarnished anyway.

  13. 5p0oKy8o0giE February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    Just tell her. Don’t bother with all the scheming.

  14. BudgetCandle February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    I don’t think you should do something like this, however i feel like the other guy’s wife should know. revenge is never good. be the better person and just try and help out his wife.

  15. gulphora February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    Is it really a good idea? I mean, you want to do this out of vengeance and even though whatever this guy is doing is not right he is not the one to blame for what happened in your marriage… your wife is.

    I’m really sorry you’re going through this, but what if you do this and then you regret it? There’s people who willingly accept their partner cheating, or maybe they have an open relationship or maybe she just won’t believe you because he’s a hell of a liar…

  16. unxolve February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    Do it before Valentine’s, don’t let her waste another day of affection on this guy.

  17. toaster404 February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    Revenge rarely works out how one expects. The others all know who you are. The other man and his wife are a system you know nothing about. The other man and your wife are a system you know a little about. You don’t really know these people, what they are capable of. A general principle seems to be to blame the messenger. In my world, that has included attacks and death threats (good ones, lingering still). Think of the potential cost to yourself.

    Another perspective is that marriages are very much business deals, contracts. Marriage contract. Does your wife’s violation of the contract between you two really allow you to act outside of the two of you with impunity? If you mess with people they can mess back at you. If the other couple works through it, your ex is disappointed, and things go on without your intervention, then you’re in the clear. If you plunge into something that is not your business – and it is NOT your business – and make a mess you may well end up dirtier than they do. Messy business.

    If you really want to do something, see whether you have a suit against the fellow in your jurisdiction. Phone calls and tip offs and all that are one thing, a process server at the door is another.

    Regardless, patience and deciding from an emotionally neutral position are both important in major decisions. And as others have pointed out, compassion for the other wife might well direct your course.

  18. wtfthecanuck February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    Why be anonymous, your info has more value if it is done personally.

    Send him flowers in your ex’s name. With the note, I love what we’ve had for the last year, soon we will be together always once my divorce comes through. love etc..

  19. kungfupanda70 February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    Say the roll was reversed and she knew and you didn’t. How would you want her to tell you? Just be kind and gentle with her, it’d not her fault either. Best of luck and I hope you find some peace..

  20. jessie_monster February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    Tell her because she needs to know, not to cause her pain. Which is what you will doing, if you do it in a petty manner.

  21. ahanl14 February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    Valentine’s day would hurt her worse. This isn’t about making the wife suffer even more. Please consider a more appropriate day. It will most likely end their marriage and either way it will take her a long time to recover. He is a POS for what he’s done to you and her and I believe wholeheartedly that you should tell her. But just think that if it was you being told. Show her the consideration her husband has neglected to give.

  22. DammitAnthony February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    You don’t know the dynamics of their relationship. He might not be cheating on her, they may be open, she may be a cuckquean, how can you be sure. He may have broken a rule by being open with a married woman, but you don’t know how your wife represented herself initially.

    All that we can be sure of is you will be revealing yourself as a petty, spiteful little twat by doing this for the reasons you want to do it.

  23. jerseygirl246 February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    Just as it’s her right to know, it’s her right to deliver the punishment. Don’t take that from her.

    I’m not sure whether you should tell her anonymously, but don’t do something malicious on Valentine’s Day. Give her the facts and she’ll do the rest to ruin this guy’s life.

  24. NooneAbove February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    Call the wife and pretend to be a florist and tell her the card he used for the $500 worth of flowers was declined, and have her confirm the address and name of your wife. Maybe throw in cap for the card, about how soon youll be able to be together forever.

  25. Anonbcm54321 February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    Yes not discount the fact that I don’t have any real proof to physically show her. She may not believe me which is why I liked the idea of doing something for Valentine’s Day. Like “accidentally” sending flowers to his wife with my wife’s name on them”.

    We all know she deserves to know and if i could figure out a way to tell her without becoming so involved I would. But I can’t think of any other way to do it anonymously.

  26. Judgyhoofbag February 14, 2018 / 3:58 am

    This is gross. Leave it alone. You know nothing about their relationship or the inner workings of it. Move on with your life and stop this childish nonsense.

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