40 thoughts on “Prison guards of reddit, what is the strangest thing you have caught a prisoner doing in their cell?

  1. machinistrail February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Detainee facility overseas, new prisoner intake. Handed dude a bar of soap to take a shower, instead he takes a big bite out of it, chews once and spits it out in disgust. Tried not to, but couldn’t help laughing hard at the look of total betrayal on the guy’s face. Homeboy thought we were hooking him up with a snack.

  2. kyorsmuckers February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    I worked on the forensic unit of a psych hospital. Had a patient write that he was in love with one of my fellow coworkers with his jizz. He was in constant monitoring so I got to watch him repeatedly beat off to gather enough jizz for this feat.

    Edit: jizz not jazz

  3. bigdickpuncay February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Caught a guy making a dildo out of a log of shit and a bunch of condoms.

  4. Marduk-worldbreaker February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Was doing count one night and on inmate was upside down. Back on the wall feet in the air, sucking his own dick… now this particular wing of the prison wasn’t cells, it was more like cubicles. So I do the only proper thing, yell out “what the Fuck are you doing inmate?!” Some other inmates that were awake bolt up and look over to see this half naked surprisingly flexible weirdo floundering around. Good laughs were had… well by everyone except one inmate of course.

  5. williamp114 February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Not a prison guard, but was on a field trip to a prison as part of a criminal justice class. We saw this one prisoner eating chocolate ice cream. When another student asked the guard “Why does he get to eat ice cream?”, the guard replied back “That’s not ice cream”

  6. doctorwhoobgyn February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    I used to work in a juvenile detention center. I have a lot of stories to share. Most notably:

    A kid was sitting on his toilet sobbing uncontrollably, taking a shit, and masturbating all at the same time.

    A kid peed under his cell door so I would slip in it as I walked by. (I nearly fell)

    Another kid stuffed his sweatshirt down his toilet and flushed it until it overflowed and then covered his door with wet toilet paper so we couldn’t see him. Since we had to be able to see him, so that we knew he wasn’t hurting himself, we had to open his cell. He began to fight us so we had to wrestle him to the ground and he was face down in about an inch of toilet water.

    Another one pooped in a sock and was swinging it around like nunchakus.

  7. General_Discourse February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Former correctional worker here. Not a CO, but non-custody staff were used for custody posts a lot. Happens so much in the federal prison system there’s an official term for the assignment and everything.

    I got put on a shakedown crew one time. I was fairly new to the job so some old-timers thought they’d fuck with me and assigned me to shakedown a particular cell without telling me who it belonged to. I tossed it like I had been taught. Tore into everything. We weren’t looking for anything in particular. Just a routine shakedown. We would do it every so often to keep the inmates in line and on their toes.

    I found an atlas. Not overly shocking but against the rules. Inmates aren’t allowed access to maps. Escape attempts and everything. I wrote the inmate up on attempted escape (or something like that. I can’t remember the exact violation term)

    Long story short, the cell was inhabitated by a lieutenant in the Gotti family. A guy no one ever crossed. Staff steered clear of this guy normally. He was a “model inmate”. Never got into trouble. Just was going his time, but not a guy you wanna mess with.

    The violation paperwork required my name and a full description of what I found. It gets read to the inmate at a hearing. Not one of my co-workers stopped me from filling it. When I got back to my office, my supervisor heard what I did and went pale. He was truly worried about my well being. He called the prison captain and got the paperwork shredded. He explained to me this guy wasn’t too be messed with. He could have easily found out where I lived and dealt with me. I still remember how close I came to truly fucking up my entire life over a damn atlas.

  8. YourLocalRapeFetish February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    I have walked in on an inmate absolutely shredding his foot with a makeshift razor in his cell.

    And when i mean shredded, I mean if we cleaned the blood off of this thing, it would look akin to pulled pork on the end of his leg.

  9. TheMadmanAndre February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    My Mom is a retired prison guard. Asked this question to her and this was about what she said:

    A guy committed suicide by dismantling the light fixture in his cell and electrocuting himself. Another guy somehow sawed his own hand off with a serrated shiv, and was hard at work on his feet when they found him.

    But the one that took the cake in her book was when not one but *several* inmates somehow obtained a stray dog and were taking turns having sex with it. I.e. *literal bestiality.*

  10. LaheyOnTheLiquor February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    not my story, but my uncle.

    said he walked inside a cell belonging to a political prisoner, one who was very adamantly against homosexuality and very publicly decreed that gays should die. upon walking inside the cell, he saw the prisoner with one (1) penis inside his asshole, and one (1) penis inside his mouth. they broke up the orgy (prison rules obviously restrict sex) and interviewed everyone involved to make sure there was no sense of rape or forced sexual conduct. turns out the politican instigated the threesome, and it had been happening for the last month (he only had a six (6) month sentence, and had only been serving for two (2) months by then). wild shit.

  11. fjsgk February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    My partner works at a juvenile center for boys. Apparently a teacher was teaching a class and one of the boys got sent on a time out back to his pod. And the pods here look like in those prison shows where it’s a big room with a lot of smaller individual cells but with one wall that goes up to the cieling with windows that’s like 30-40 feet high. Anyway he got sent to his pod and 10 minutes later the teacher looks over and the boy had managed to scale the wall of windows and holding on “like Spiderman” at the top, I was told lol.

  12. Brandonh707 February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Good friend of mine walked in on a guy who just chopped his dick off.

  13. trueseminole88 February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    I used to work at a prison and we had an inmate there that would “rent out” his colostomy hole for other inmates to fuck. He would apparently just read a book while they were going at it. It was well known that he had aids too….. so there’s that.

  14. amandadeee February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Not me, but my fiancé is a prison guard.

    On a prison transport from the hospital an inmate took a seatbelt and put it thru his intestines (just stitched stomach) also another time he ended up putting lizards in his stomach.

    Another; fiancé was doing count and saw an inmate wrist deep in his ass having the time of his life.

    There was an inmate that would make action figures out of his poop and fight/play with them. What ever one “lost” in the fight, he’d eat it.

  15. lilbebe50 February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Trying to catch herself on fire with a lighter she smuggled in her vag. She was a morbidly obese schizophrenic black woman who was also a known crack head and prostitute with many known STD’s.

  16. earnedmystripes February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Inmate had a metal bar probably 1/4″ round that he had broken off and snuck back from the rec area. I walked in on a normal round and he didn’t notice me. He was running the tip of this bar around in a square pattern on the concrete floor shaving the bar to a point. About 2 minutes later he looked up and noticed that I had been standing there the whole time watching him do this. I just held out my hand and he handed it to me. The other inmates started busting out laughing.

  17. Falcon187 February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Two cellies pretending to start sumo wrestling. (Where they face eachother and stomp the ground with there feet one at a time)

  18. ProChef1981 February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Caught a guy one leg up on his bed, jerking off, looking at his own asshole with a handheld mirror

  19. Aizopen February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Guy with one leg fighting another guy in his cell. Guy with one leg started it. We had a little person that was gang affiliated start a fight with his cellmate. There were several calls I was glad to miss. One of the codes we have indicates offender on offender assault to which additional responders come to help contain and break up the fight. The same code is also used for offender “relations” (remember that no kind of sex in prison is considered consentual). So if the reporting officer is not careful, you get a bunch of responders that might just show up to the “relations” instead of an actual fight.

  20. trombonerz February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    My uncle was a warden, he was giving me a tour and told me a story about how some inmate was able to get some kind of poisonous pill smuggled to him so he could commit suicide. They threw him in a separate cell for suicide watch and forced him to shit/puke it out. The inmate tried to rummage through his own shit trying to find the poison so he could attempt suicide AGAIN.

  21. MetsJail February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Show this thread to anyone about to commit a crime.

  22. 13times5plus4 February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Inmate not a guard but this was a strange one…

    I was in the unit one day when my cellmate who didn’t have a job (I had one and was out of the unit 8-9 hours a day) told me about what was going on. A few guys were getting *”cock rocks”* put in… I didn’t know what these were and he explained it is where you take your flaccid penis and pull the excess skin from the top of it up in the air. Then someone cuts the skin open. Underneath the skin people put dominoes that were shaved down into shapes (usually hearts). Some guys had a whole ring around the penis bulging out. The thought behind this is that when having intercourse wit ha female the clitoris will be stimulated at the same time as penetration. It sounded too gross and homophobic for me to take part in so I passed. This required having 2-3 people in the cell to help the process along, which is so strange in itself. The Spanish dudes got pissed when the dominoes went missing and we narrowly avoided a riot until the guards brought in a new set.

  23. SuperNapTime February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Not my experience, but a friend of mine who used to be a guard said that if someone was eating poop, that’s how you knew they are legitimately crazy.

  24. indigo_prime February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Not a prison guard but worked on a contract replacing IT kit in UK prisons as my first job after leaving the Army. At every site we got a full security brief and ‘What to do if ‘X’ happens’.

    The most interesting one was a story of a prisoner who had a photographic memory and who was a trained locksmith ….. who used his training to break and enter! From just the sight of a key, he could recreate it and did so using a pumice stone and scraps of metal from a vent fan.

    He made one escape attempt where he managed to get all the way to the perimeter fence, but snapped the crafted key in the lock and was captured. They had a full photo board and the keys he crafted on display in the training room. They were impressive!

    Another weird thing was a fight in a lunch queue as we were being escorted through a wing because the prisoner being served took the last beef pie and the only ones left were chicken. The guy behind didn’t like chicken and I’m sure he hit him so hard with the metal tray that there was an imprint of the guys head in it!

  25. thegreencomic February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    One dude who was completely off his rocker, never seemed to sleep and was constantly screaming and doing weird stuff, a few highlights:

    Flapping his fingers from side to side, doing the Zoidberg scuttle around his cell and yelling “whoop whoop whoop whoop”.

    Holding his arms straight sideways, leaning backwards at an almost 90 degree angle, and screaming “fire every missile; fire every missile; blow up the sky; blow up the sky!”

    Having an argument with himself that went something like:

    “I’m going to fuck you in your asshole”.

    “oh, oh, you’re gonna fuck me in my asshole?”

    “Yeah, I’m going to fuck you in your asshole!”

    “You’re gonna fuck me in my asshole!?!?”

  26. foxy704 February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Watched the aftermath of a mentally ill inmate who had cut his foreskin open and inserted a domino

  27. Schnitzngigglez February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Jail, not prison but we saw a group huddled together in the pod. Usually suspicious. When we investigated, we found they had broken a piece off of a domino. They had then filed a toothbrush to a sharp point and used it to make a cut on the side of a willing inmates penis. Then inserted said domino piece into penis for a “ribbed for her pleasure” kinda deal….

    He went to the hospital. Others were questioned. Turns out this was a relatively common body modification… I’ll never understand people…

  28. TheBeardedBlaine February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Not a CO, but my brother is. He found a guy trying to eroticaly asphyxiate himself by making a noose out of his bed sheets an hanging himself from the celling light. He had to try and restrain him while he was jacking it.

    Thats not the worst part.

    While my bro and another guard were trying to get restraints on him, he started to lick up his own semen…

    Now I’m uncertain about alot of things in life, but I do know for a fact that this prisoner must have been the life of many parties when he was a free man.

  29. try_new_stuff February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    I guess it was one inmate shaving another’s back for me, and probably for my husband probably walking up to a cell right after the inmate cut his dick off and was trying to destroy it by chewing it before he finally flushed it down the toilet.

  30. cheesehuahuas February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    A guy I met recently used to transport inmates to federal prison. He said they’d frequently piss/crap themselves assuming they’d get to pull over so they could change. Not the case. They just sat there in their own feces for two hours, with everyone having to deal with the smell.

  31. mnCO February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Not me personally, but I know both the officer and the inmate. The officer had just conducted the end of night count. Normally and officer would not make a round for at least 30 minutes after that. This particular night the officer made another round to pass out memos to the inmates about a lockdown the next day. Upon arriving at this particular cell, the officer saw that the inmate was totally nude, laying on his back with his legs behind his head. The inmate was vigorously masturbating, aiming directly for his mouth. The officer dropped off the memo and kept walking, not saying anything to the inmate. The best part is that the inmate would clearly know that officer had come by during his “fun” when he saw the memo, but would have no idea which officer it was.

  32. imjoesnuffy February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Did not see it, but read the report.

    Dude was getting raped, the next guy (rapist #2) in line did not want to wait his turn. So he shanked him in the leg so he could rape him in the new “hole”.

  33. Atimus203 February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    I was working a unit where the doors had chuck holds to pass dinner trays. One guy was refusing to close his but wasnt being aggressive or throwing stuff so the shift commander said fuck it its about to be night shift wait till later in the night and close it when he falls asleep.
    4 Hours later I get a call from nighttime shift commander…IS MY CHUCK CLOSED YET?! I responded negative. Inmate sleeping with foot out of the chuck

  34. saucyrossi February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    not mine but a friend that’s a CO, and he swears this is true

    backstory is this guy is the most dangerous inmate at Walpole, MA who’s there for two life sentences. his idea for revenge is to rape people, not out of sexual intentions, but out of hate and dominance. for example, he tied a couple up, raped the woman with the man watching, then raped the man with the woman watching. now in maximum security prison

    anyways he (constantly) is found jerking off in the front of the cell asking guards if they “WANT SOME OF THIS BIG BLACK DICK, HUH?!?” and yes it really is massive. my buddy has a sense of humor and fucks with him back. he’s told he is going to rape him and his family when he gets out and my buddy responds with “not if i rape you first…” just weird shit like that the guy does and is in solitary confinement for raping and injuring other inmates lol

    edit: some words

  35. Freemans09 February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    Witnessed a guy cut his own dick off, and throw it at a pill nurse. Many more stories, this is the one that stood out the most. Worked at a maximum security prison for 4 years.

    EDIT: words

  36. shoemanship February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    TIL prisoners really like their own shit

  37. skaroids February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    I am regretting this risky click

  38. Fuck_my_life1 February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    This would be a good question if it had a serious tag.

  39. robbzilla February 14, 2018 / 7:38 am

    I have a friend who’s a prison guard, and he likes to tell this story:

    A female guard caught a guy in the shower pleasuring himself. She brought him up before the warden. When the warden asked him what he thought he was doing, his response was:

    “Warden, I was just cleaning my cock. I can clean it as much as I want, can’t I?”

    The warden sent him away without any punishment.

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