45 thoughts on “[Serious]Former incels of Reddit, how did you escape that life?

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  2. HeckaWomp February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I looked at my messages with this one girl I was trying to get with, and how I tried so hard to ruin her relationship with her boyfriend because I was nice to her and I deserved her. I saw them, and I realized, Holy fuck, this shit is awful. She saw me as one of her greatest friends and I tried to fuck up her relationship, and when I didnt get what I wanted, I would say the most awful things. I asked myself, how am I a nice guy if I do shit like this? I literally made her cry, multiple times. This is the sorta shit that keeps me up at night, even though this was a few years ago. But just one day thinking about it, I realized how shitty my mindset actually was. I’m much better now, because I’ve learned from my mistakes. I apologized to everyone involved because I just couldn’t get it off my mind.

  3. Mackntish February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I had some great advice by a friend. I had to draw two columns on a piece of paper. Under the first column, I had to list “All the things I want in a partner.” I put the usual things…sexy, smart, successful, nice, fit, funny, etc… I was then asked to close my eyes and visualize this person. To imagine her and make her real in my mind.

    Then the person labeled the second column. “Things that would attract this woman to me.” I left the column blank and started to cry. I couldn’t think of anything.

    That blank piece of paper highlighted everything that was going wrong with women. I made no active effort to become a desirable person.

    I kept the paper and eventually filled it in over the next year. I lost weight, dressed well, and went to law school to become a non-profit lawyer. I am currently sitting next to the most beautiful woman who I am scheduled to marry. Her cat is an asshole though.

  4. commandrix February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I just kinda realized that “involuntary” probably just meant that I was doing something wrong in my approach. Turns out I was just hanging with the wrong crowd and had screwed up standards. Well, not exactly screwed up, but not anything that was gonna be in my league. Also, it kinda helped to turn myself into someone who is worth pursuing instead of forever being the pursuer. Still haven’t found my SO, but at least I’ve had better luck getting the occasional date.

  5. naturian February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    Weirdly enough, it started by me giving up. For years I thought how unfortunate I was for not having ladies because of my shyness. I felt paralyzed by it. Powerless and that frustrated that saddened me to no end. Then, one day, it dawned to me that I was not so helpless as I thought.

    Many people suggested me to look for psicologists to help, but I was always postponing, mostly because I knew any treatment would mean facing my fears and that is hard and painful. That constitutes choice. I had a way out to get ladies. I had to go through a painful treatment. It would be harder for me than for anybody else but was possible, and it was my choice.

    However, I decided not to do. I did not want woman that hard. My career was more important, and I did not want to face more pain. This decision did not get me lady at first, but gave me peace. I was not paralyzed, no longer maladapted to the sexual system of our species. I just had an unusual life plan that does not include finding a partner. Ironically, I went from incel to celibate.

    That took women out of the pedestal that I put them when I was incel. I stopped seeing that the source for this relentless tension to be just people. Sex stopped being my main objective, virginity no longer defined me.

    A year has passed, and this peace eventually turned into confidence. I’m ok with myself, and my lonely choice. Then I saw a beautiful girl in my lab and asked her out. The hell, I thought, I’m okay with not getting any, it just a nice bonus. I was still nervous, but I made it. Now we’re dating for two years.

  6. Renmauzuo February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I stopped being a mopey loser who blamed all his problems on other people and started to work on becoming a better person. Not long after that I wasn’t a virgin anymore.

  7. Pepperman94 February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    Realized I was the problem. Not that it helped me with women at all, I just stopped blaming them for the fact that I have nothing going for me as a person

  8. Chronogos February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    All it took was a mental shift. The key word of “incel” is *involuntary*. I decided to shift thinking to *voluntary* celibacy because I realized I have strong reasons to not have sex, and it’s me choosing not to have sex.

    I realized that I was putting pressure on myself to get laid only because I was abnormal for not doing so. You’re supposed to have sex by age 18, but fuck that! I’ll have sex when I want to, not because I’m supposed to.

    I also used to think it was a bad thing to be introverted, but I accept it now. I love being alone, and the thought of having to share my bed with someone else is not pleasant. All that for sex? I don’t think it’s worth it. Maybe it is worth it and sex is the greatest activity in the world. In that case, I especially don’t want to rush into having sex, because then I’ll be one of those people who complains about not getting any sex for 6 months. That sounds terrible, that’s just like an addiction and I don’t want to go that route!

  9. kinghammer1 February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I never considered myself a full incel but there were times I had those thoughts that “the world owes me sex” but while I allowed myself to wallow in self pity some nights I would eventually come to the same conclusion I always did that it was all on me. I did less than the bare minimum, I never cared about my appearance was overweight and wasn’t very outgoing. It’s taken a long time and I have still a ways to go but instead of trying to pick up girls I’m trying to build myself into the guy girls want to be with conversely by doing this i find myself with much less free time for me to wallow in self pity. Also having sex with a bunch of prostitutes helped me realize sex while great isn’t the end game

  10. toysjoe February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I started working out, eating better, being more outgoing, smiling more, and listening to people.

    Now I’m a vol-cel, if that’s even a word. I’ve dated, and I just feel better when I’m single.

  11. 6uitarded February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    Kinda late but whatever, I’ve shared this before.

    I told a girl that I almost killed myself but stopped because I wanted to be with her. Not sure what I was thinking, I guess I thought that it would be a sweet moment like “oh he cares about me that much” kinda thing. Obviously, I was sooo fucking wrong. I’m pretty sure she stopped responding to me from there and I don’t blame her.

    Immediately after I said it, I mentally and emotionally slapped myself in the face so to speak. I took a step back and looked at myself and I fucking hated myself at the time. I spent the rest of high school destroying what personality I had and rebuilding it from the ground up. I completely changed my thinking and my life improved dramatically. I was behind everyone else in terms of personal identity for a while but I finally got to a point when I not only like who I’ve become, a part of me is quite proud that I got out of that mindset.

    In all honesty I want to go back and apologize to her 1000 times over but I understand I’d only be doing it for selfish reasons, to make myself feel better. So I guess the best I can do is say that if you were in that kind of a situation, allow me to apologize on behalf of the guy who did that.

  12. BettyVonButtpants February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I was more niceguy^TM and less incel, but had long periods without dating/sex, etc.

    I ended up with a girl who took advantage of me, beat me, and even raped me. I realized after that my desperation for affection put me in that situation. I was too fucked up to date from that shit, and spent time focusing on fixing myself. Comically I ended up transitioning, and had to deal with the same type of people I use to be on Dating sites.

    I feel bad for how I was, I cringe thinking of the stupidity I pulled thinking it made me attractive. Its weird being on the otherside and knowing you were just like that.

  13. deepinduckhunt2 February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    Learned how to read social cues properly, got over myself, and realized that friends would puff up my ego and try to make me feel better by blaming the other person, even though they knew the person I liked would never be into me or had lost interest in me, and would likely never change their mind (especially if if I kept trying to show them how “awesome” I was or called them x amount of times or did xyz).

    Being persistent and goal-driven is great, until you realize you’re pestering someone because you head is too far up your own ass to notice what you’re doing is scary and unattractive. My behavior made me super unattractive to the opposite sex and I didn’t even realize that I was the problem. I thought, ‘I’m so great, if only they could see…’ and they did. They saw me for what I was at that time, and I was a shitty, self-absorbed person.

    Basically, if someone isn’t putting in as much effort as you are, or if you’re constantly chasing them/want something they’re not willing to give you, then you need to step back and analyze your own actions. Are you idealizing sex / the person you can’t seem to get out of your head?

    Usually it boils down to respect; respect them and yourself enough to move on from a person / sex with a certain person or type / etc. if it’s not working out.

    edit: clarification

  14. ThotBurglar February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I stopped trying and over time I naturally became better about it and realized that I was being an asshole and that the people I used to think were my only friends were just unreasonable and illogical.

  15. markmore679 February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I was an incel in terms of not being able to get laid (as in the dictionary definition), not because I disrespected women or blamed the world for my problems or whatever. I simply paid a prostitute

  16. DillPixels February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I had some intimate acts soiled for me because of a psycho ex. I no longer wanted to do those things because of that guy, even after the relationship, so I was terrified I would give my virginity to a boyfriend, the relationship would go bad, and I would hate sex because it would remind me of that bad relationship. When I was 22 I had a male friend that I was attracted to, and he was attracted to me, but we didn’t want to date. I told him about how I felt and that I would rather lose my virginity to a friend rather than a boyfriend for the above reasons. We talked and fooled around more, then we planned it out. I don’t regret it at all and we are friends to this day (28 now).

  17. TheCraziestPickle February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I grew up.

    Was a sorta terrible, incel-ey person during freshman year. Complained about the friend zone a lot. Etc, Etc.

    Then over the past couple years, I realized how shitty that was and how to be a human interacting with humans.

  18. friendagony February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I was a regular of the incels subreddit before it became the cesspool it is, so I never hated women or considered myself “subhuman.” But I have an attractive friend who discovered I was a virgin, and she always had a fantasy to have sex with one. So we hooked up. She tried to hook me up with another girl after, but that didn’t go anywhere. That was about a year ago. It’s kind of been awkward to be around her since then, but I still hang out with her occasionally.

  19. SconesAndEvil February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I used to be entrenched in that incel mindset, and all it took was me realizing I was trans to drop everything related to sex or relationships. That toxic mindset faded away painlessly soon after. Now, coming up on four years later and nearing the end of my main transition, I think I’d be ready to date. Only problem, I live in some ass crack town where the LGBT+ population is basically only me. Now it’s not a matter of “what’s wrong with these girls why won’t they like me”, it’s more “where are all the lesbians to cuddle”. But I’ve still got other more important stuff to worry about.

  20. PatienceHero February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I wouldn’t say I was an incel, but I WAS a lonely ‘nice guy’ who could be bitter and feel persecuted at times.

    I escaped it by….well, basically by my hormones tapering off in my mid-twenties. Nowadays I have the sexual drive of a panda bear, so once that eased up I kind of re-evaluated and decided “I’m attaching too much of my own self-worth on a theoretical other person.”

    Nowadays, I’m taking a ‘wait and see’ attitude towards sex or a significant other. Instead of pursuing day and night, I just enjoy life and see what happens. If one comes along? Great. If not, that’s okay too. I’m happy just being me, and I have plenty of friends and family along for the ride.

    I’ll tell you this: once I stopped focusing on the “I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to die a virgin, etc. etc….” I found myself legitimately happier, and I think I’m a better nice guy now that I’m happy with myself as a single person. Before, I’d hold the door open for ladies to ‘be a gentleman’. Now I hold the door open for ladies, the elderly, dogs, and delivery men, because I KNOW I’m a gentleman.

    If I’m honest, I’m glad I never got the ultra-sappy romance I envisioned having in my head. If I’d gotten what I wanted, I wouldn’t have the perspective I have today, or have learned how to appreciate the many, MANY of the world’s smaller joys outside that particular bubble.

  21. EverettNox February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I lost interest in sex and intimacy over the years, so I’m not really an incel anymore, just a cel.

  22. Pseudonymico February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    If we mean, “person who’d like to get laid but can’t”? I ended up making friends with more people who were my type and quickly hit it off with somebody.

    I mean, I did feel like crap about being unable to get laid at the time, but it wasn’t that hard to see that the reason why was that most of the people I was hanging out with weren’t people I was into having sex with, and the ones I did have a chance with were already in relationships.

  23. NewAeon February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I started going down that road, wound up in some weird social relationship dynamics and just took a long hard look at my life.

    In my experience there are only two things stopping someone from having sex.

    1. Having unrealistic expectations and standards.

    2. Not investing in yourself as a person. To expand on that point, being aware of and able to appreciate (even if you don’t *like*) things that are mainstream, managing hygiene, putting effort into your friends, including women as *friends* instead of potential sex partners. Just generally try to improve yourself across the board.

    If you do the first thing you will be able to have sex within 24 hours by finding a prostitute.

    If you do both things you will be able to enter a sexual relationship with someone you care about within a year or two.

    Pretty simple, really. I think most incel’s just need a good therapist.

  24. throwaway_512_TX February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    Paid a hooker when I was 18. Worst decision of my life and I didn’t have sex again until I was 21. How I got there was I stopped putting the pussy on a pedestal, started realizing that movies weren’t real life and that grand romantic gestures we’re actually counterintuitive for women you’ve barely known or don’t think of you nearly the same way you think of them.

    I never wore a trenchcoat or fedora, I did wear cargo shorts and I still do because they’re practical as fuck. Never swung a katana around. I was just socially awkward and shy fat kid who would fall head over heels for any girl who showed me any sort of positive attention or was just being nice. For a while in high school I was a total “nice guy” but that ended around my junior year.

    Initially I was scared of rejection, so I just got to the point where I would ask women out (and sometimes I’d ask for a lot more honestly) knowing full well I was going to get rejected. I did that enough to where getting rejected was no big deal, because I realized that I was looking at a rejection as some sort of opportunity lost, rather than me being no worse off than I was before. I had nothing to lose by asking them out so it completely removed the trepidation.

    Soon women mistook the lack of caring for confidence, when in reality I was so emotionally numb I couldn’t give a shit if they said yes or no.

    I got out of the house more, started walking laps around a hospital with a track, made an effort to be involved with groups and not spend all my time behind a screen. Got a job in construction and eventually moved into my own place at 21. I made friends who actually asked me to come hang out with them.

    So then I started getting laid, had a few relationships, one night stands, stopped treating women in general like faultless princesses and instead just normal human beings, like I would other dudes. I think they appreciate it and a few have even told me feel they can trust me because I’m not seeing them as a sexual prospect.

    I’ve been with 47 different women now and I hate that I know that number. For a while when I was 21-22 I made it kind of a goal to fuck as many as possible. I’m still working on being better socially. Being in relationships still feels weird and most don’t last more than a few months, but I think me working all the time and now going back to school contributes to that.

    I’d much prefer to trade the 47 I’ve been with for a small handful of good solid, long relationships. I’m 25 now so I guess I have some time, but I would like to settle down and at least marry by the next 5 years. I’d prefer to have a kid before I’m 30 honestly.

  25. DWillows February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I was an “incel” in the literal term, not the “‘nice guy’ who is actually kind of a cunt” term. Well, not completely anyways. I’m somewhat of a cunt, but for different reasons.

    My best friend broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years and I absolutely made sure to be there to catch that rebound. it worked. I get sex on a regular basis now, but I still have no idea how to have sex with girls outside of that. Like, one night stands, or trying to have sex with friends, or anything like that, which doesn’t involve a traumatic incident.

    I also don’t know why I’d really want to. The way I’ve always heard sex hyped up is like it was this life changing experience, and an addiction on par with heroin. I remember all my college friends back in the day acting like they were literally dying if they didn’t have sex for more than two days in a row. It’s good, but it’s not life changing that I’d pursue over all other things. It’s just something fun to do like anything else. I could have sex with a person, or I could play video games with them, or watch a movie.. It’s literally the same to me. well, not the same in feeling obviously. I dunno, I’d never go so far as to say I was disappointed in it, because it was fun, but it made me realize that if I never had sex after that point it would make no difference on my life whatsoever. sex is just sex.

    I’m 90% sure i’m on the asexual spectrum anyways. My only desire to have sex came from trying to figure out what I was missing, since it seemed so transcendental of an experience to everyone else.

    it kind of did make me realize I was trying a bit too hard though. It’s just… something mundane and fun. I don’t understand why people put such an overwhelming importance on it.

  26. Hwga_lurker_tw February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    Outsourced my online dating. Dumped my poisonous friends and family. Moved to another city.

  27. cringelien February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    if any incel wants to talk to me. i suck at advice, but im good at listening

  28. DGIce February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I just got educated and logical about how attraction and getting to know someone works. Honed my outward appearance, pomped up my job title and acted normal until they were comfortable around me. Stopped hoping someone would take the time to get to know crazy me. Because there are definitley other people who appear similar to me on the surface to me who it’s smart to avoid. Thought about the possible type of persons I could become and the type of girls those would attract. I’m still mostly the same person and some past pursuits of mine are missing out; but I don’t blame them, I was acting weird because I was socially inept and didn’t care, which signaled that I could have been a dangerous person.

    Honestly the process for me was learning to chat well enough until a risk taker got to know me and even though we flirted we never really connected romantically (more of a life is painful mutual understanding), it gave me the opportunity to think about what I would do when I got the chance to really date someone. It hurt because I eventually crushed on her and having to get back to the grind of filtering through people sucked and I felt like I would never find anyone. But what I hadn’t realized was how much I had learned and how much easier it became. It was still work but I honestly kept advancing and don’t fear ending up alone.

    Edit: Still pretty salty about how attraction and getting someone comfortable around you works, it’s a headache and so meaningless. And so infuriating that it’s easier for me now, not because I’ve changed much, but because their perspective of me has. That feels good to finally share.

  29. Throwawayasfvck February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I apologize for a long post, but I figured this would be a great input for this topic. There’s going to be a lot of cringe, but it does feel good to get this all off my chest and finally be able to own up to who I was back then.

    I was a virgin for 27 years. I lost it sometime in 2017. And I’m currently in a strong, committed relationship.

    I wasn’t just a virgin. I was also a Nice Guy™ and an incel. Probably the worst kind as well.

    I lived the majority of my high school years (2005-2009), college years (2009-2014), and afterwards (2014-2017) being obsessed with being in a relationship. That’s nearly 10 years of my life. If I could, I would list every single rejection I’ve had and how badly I took each of them, but I realized that would take hours. These rejections all had one common factor. A girl won’t show interest, so I would express anger. I would say a lot of nasty things and say degrading comments and even spread rumors about them. Granted, a few of them were genuine assholes, many others didn’t deserve it. The fact remains that I had a choice to take all of them gracefully, but I chose not to.

    Aside from the rejections, the biggest common factor in why my feelings was never reciprocated was because most of them knew I was trying to hard to impress them or often changing my personality just to force myself to fitting their interests. This would clearly make them very uncomfortable, especially knowing I actually didn’t really care about their interests. I cared more about their pants.

    It didn’t really help that the crowd I was hanging out with the time were so obsessed about getting laid, drugs, etc. One guy even backstabbed me and told everyone I was a virgin.

    Eventually, I cut those people off. I realized that my entire mindset for the past ten years was because I always let myself get influenced by people who clearly didn’t respect me, and I was more obsessed with proving that I can find a girlfriend and get laid instead of actually being with someone for love and affection. In order for me to change, I also had to change my environment.

    Later in 2017, I found myself in a new group of friends. I found myself meeting up with these guys every day after work. It’s really nice to hang out with them, because they all enjoy quality time. They don’t care for drinking, drugs, and sex. Some of the couples in that group would give me advice about relationships. The most common thing they would tell me is that sex is overrated, and that finding the right girl isn’t about what you want, but what you need.

    They were damn right.

    During a bar night, a girl approached me, clearly wanting sex. Not having sex before, I couldn’t refuse it. Unfortunately, I was so drunk that I passed out within 5 minutes of being on her bed. Sex was not what I thought it would be. Not like that. That finally made me realize that I’m not missing out. I felt very empty inside, thinking “I wasted my emotions for ten years for THAT?”

    Some time passed. I became more obsessed with getting a better job and my finances. After posting about some career advice, I reconnected with a classmate I knew from six years ago. Surprisingly, she agreed to hang out, and we had coffee. We talked as if we’ve been close for years, even though this was the first time we actually hung out one on one. Then we kept hanging out. Eventually, I awkwardly asked her if she’ll ever date me, and she said she wanted to be my girlfriend. Within three weeks, we had sex.

    She made a very interesting point why she likes me. She had told me that many guys tried getting at her, but they often tried too hard to impress her, especially about their achievements. She liked that I was honest about myself, especially about embarrassing stories and failures. She also pointed out that even though she had initially canceled on me quite a few times, she noticed I always never took it personally. But what really made up her mind was that when she had to cancel on a museum trip with me due to illness, I brought her hot soup and vitamin C so she’d get well again.

    The point I’m trying to make is…is that often times we keep falling for the wrong ones, and keep forcing ourselves to believe that this is the right person. And that sex is honestly overrated and it’s better to lose it later in your life with someone who means a lot to you.

  30. germanist February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I realized it was my own fault. I couldn’t keep blaming women for not wanting me.

    Started improving myself, asking female friends what was wrong with me and taking their advice to heart. Women usually know pretty well why you’re not getting laid, you just need to find women who are honest enough to tell you.

  31. StaplerLivesMatter February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    Didn’t. Just quit whining about it, because nobody cares. If you can’t attract anyone, there’s nobody to blame but yourself for not being good enough.

  32. Thopterthallid February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    My life has been a series of failures that I can usually attribute to health, laziness, lack of confidence (I’ve missed so many great opportunities in my life because I simply decided I couldn’t do it and I hate myself for it) and just some bad luck. I ended up as a depressed, overweight guy with virtually no confidence in myself or willpower to try to change that. I was also diagnosed with Parkinson’s at age 23.

    I think I’m kinda incel without the toxic mindset. I just sorta decided I’m content being alone. Nobody wants to deal with a depressed, overweight guy with Parkinson’s. I don’t have the motivation, or care enough to do much about it. I certainly don’t hold anything against women for not being interested in me. I wouldn’t want to date me either.

    I’ve had one serious relationship that lasted about a year and a half. The kindest, most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. She accepted every single one of my faults, basically worshiped the ground I walked on, and delighted in playing my favorite video games and proceeding to kick my ass in them. It was so easy to make her smile. One day I bought a little dollar store bubble-blowing toy for her, and she was so thrilled with it she cried a little at how thoughtful I was. Her only faults were her poor mental health. She was bipolar, and a victim of repeated violent rapes from two different men. **(Trigger warning:)** [One of which held her hostage in her own home for a whole month and had a thing for defecating on her, the other was her first boyfriend who held her down and let his friends at her.](/spoiler) From these tragic events she developed serious PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. I’d frequently get calls in the middle of the night from her, screaming that she thought they were in her house, or that she’d used a razor to cut herself up, or that she was having a bipolar induced panic attack, or any number of different issues. It got so bad that I had gotten calls every night for a whole month, and I eventually broke up with her. I hate myself for that too.

    I decided that if I can’t handle the girl that was perfect for me at her worst, why do I deserve anyone that will put up with me at mine?

  33. JRL1981 February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    When I met the right woman things changed and my incel days were over. Simple as that.

  34. Ice-Insignia February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    It bothers me how many younger people are posting. Like, you still got time. As for me, I was never an incel. Once I graduated HS, I just figured it would never happen so I stopped caring as much. And 7 years later, nothing has happened. I still hope I find someone in the future, but I am not banking on it. The biggest issue is that I am just insecure about everything regarding an actual relationship. Due to that, I won’t be asking anyone out, and I’ll most likely turn down anyone who asks me.

    I figure some people will also think I am too young, but I am closer to 30 than I am 20 so I really don’t feel young anymore, which really sucks.

  35. byunboy February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    I focused on improving myself and women became attracted me.

  36. TooHung4Harvard February 12, 2018 / 2:48 pm

    This is going to sound really weird, but strip clubs helped me get more comfortable talking to women and being myself around them. I actually ended up getting a date with one of the strippers. She was kinda looney though, and she squirted on my pants so it didn’t go anywhere.

    Yes I’m serious.

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