Update: I [22F] strongly feel like my boyfriend is having an affair but no matter how much or what I ask he denies

Edit 3: I didn’t expect getting so many responses. I just wanted to let it out somewhere. Thank you everyone for everything you’ve said. It really! Really means a lot.

Here’s the old post. It didn’t get much attention but I just had to say something somewhere.

I [22F] strongly feel like my boyfriend [24M] is having an affair but no matter how or what I ask he denies from relationships

I found out he has been with this other girl for as long as we were together. He started talking AFTER we did and decided it was okay to be in two relationships at the same time.

Because it was ldr I told him to end it in the beginning so many times and he’d say no we’ll work it out and never let me go. Did things for me that made me believe he does love me.

So I talked to this girl and it turns out he has been doing almost the same thing with her. And they’ve met a couple of times and were going to, in March.

I feel like shit and an idiot. Despite having a very hard life myself I gave everything I had to offer. Supported him through his difficult times, everything. He talked to the both of us every night. Along with work, gym and friends/family.

He called me and we talked probably for the last time and he was crying I think I don’t know but he said he does love me and it was a mistake getting with her but he “didn’t know how to end it”. That I was amazing and there’s no comparison between me and her or anyone. That I was way too good for him and after all this he could never even look at me, after hurting me the way he did. But I think it was all just to make me feel a little better.

Me her and him talked on call to clear things out and she asked him to choose who he wants. I didn’t want to do this because he doesn’t deserve anyone but she did and he chose her. And kept saying it’s only because we live far away and it’s difficult for us to be together. And that girl, kept telling me to go, he’s all hers now and don’t ever talk to him again. I won’t but it sucked so bad my heart just died when he said he’d choose her. And she kept threatening him with this guy friend of hers that she’ll be with him when he was defending me from her, from the way she was talking. So he told me he’s with her because I don’t deserve him and crap.

Edit: I told him in the heat of the moment that I’d tell everyone in his friends/social media circle about what he did to make him feel ashamed. But then when he called later I told him I won’t do anything to hurt him, in any way and that I forgave him. He’ll probably think I’m too weak to do anything but I don’t even want to have to hate him anymore. Idk if that was the right thing to do or not, I did. And we didn’t even get to say goodbye 🙂

Edit 2: he had deactivated all social media because of the doubts I had seeing her tweets. I just saw he’s back everywhere and it hasn’t even been a day. I feel furious and I want to be mad at him!!

Sorry if it’s not in the right format or the wordings. It just happened and I’m still not okay at all I just had to get this out

Tl;dr: ldr boyfriend has been with another girl all the time he was with me and is very sorry for it all but chose her in the end because it’s difficult for us to be together, living in different countries. Kept saying she is nothing not even close to being as good as me but that’s probably bullshit.

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50 thoughts on “Update: I [22F] strongly feel like my boyfriend is having an affair but no matter how much or what I ask he denies

  1. Nuckchooking February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    It sounds like you’re better off without him because he kind of sounds like a scumbag.

    And she kind of sounds like a psycho so you can at least get some small comfort from the fact that he will be worse off.

    It might not seem like it at the moment but you dodged a bullet and will be better off for it.

  2. HoboJack February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    >And that girl, kept telling me to go, he’s all hers **for** now.

    Fixed it. She’s an idiot to think he will be faithful to her.

  3. BananaJammies February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    That girl’s nuts if she thinks he’s anything worth fighting for

  4. throwaway949310 February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    Yeah you just dodged a huge bullet here. That other girl has some serious issues. It’s seriously sad her self esteem is so low she settles for that and thinks she “won” in this situation.

  5. AwesomeTodd February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    Time to date yourself. Find out what you like. Find out what its like to make yourself happy. Put yourself first. Take up a hobby.

  6. heartbreakagain February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    Sorry this happened to you. I went through the same thing last year, so I know how you feel. Well, the two-timing part. He made me the “other” woman with his long term girlfriend. When I found out, I left him and he went back to her and she took him back. But then he ended up changing his mind, and wanted to come back to me. I was stupid and naive, and young. He was my first everything so I took him back. We dated for a year and it was the most unhappiest time of my life. So I am relieved to be out of that. You should be too.

    This was a blessing. You can move on and find someone who will be honest with you and will always choose you no matter what. You deserve way better than that fool, and that girl sounds pretty crazy. Just know in the long run you will be way better off and grow as a person because of this shitty relationship. Stay strong, and you’ll get through it.

  7. dingalingalong February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    > But then when he called later

    Why are you still taking his calls? Why haven’t you blocked him already?

    > I just saw he’s back everywhere

    Why are you checking up on him on social media? Why haven’t you blocked him already?

  8. engineNumbernine21 February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    Holy shit…. take yourself out of this equation and move on

  9. roy2roy February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    I have been in almost the exact same situation as you. LDR with a girl from legit across the globe (Australia -> USA). found out she was with another dude long distance (Found out because he posted love letters on her facebook lol). They only just started messing around or whatever and we had been together for a while, she chose me but ended up breaking my heart anyway.

    yes, it hurts like hell right now, but it will get better and you can take solace in the fact that he will probably hurt his new girlfriend as well.

  10. ZeMeest February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    Bullet dodged, girl. I know it hurts now, but he was an emotionally manipulative liar and the other chick sounds like she isn’t much better, they deserve each other. Honestly, the nicest thing that guy has ever done for you is choosing to date the chick with the pissy attitude.

  11. prewars February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    He’s right, you don’t deserve him – you don’t deserve something and someone so fucking awful, you deserve better.

  12. vegannazi February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    He didn’t choose her because she’s the better option. He chose her because she’s easier to manipulate. It has nothing to do with you. There’s a pretty cool book called The four agreements that might help you in not taking this mess personally.

  13. PaHoua February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    An almost identical situation happened to me except I was one of three!

    One thing really helped me get over it. All that time I spent with him, the double life he was leading, the lying, etc. It meant that the person I *thought* I was dating did not actually exist. So when everything ended, it made it a whole lot easier to get over him; in fact, I was over him instantly.

    However, the thing that weighed on me – and the thing that I feel might be doing the same to you – is the feeling of foolishness. I felt so stupid – how could I be tricked so easily? How could I let myself be lied to for so long? And the worst part – I felt like I was a good person and he was a shitty one so how come he got away with everything? I went through a massive existential dilemma and couldn’t find reason in anything; why be a good person at all?

    That’s the hardest part. In my experience, getting over a cheater is easy. But it is so hard coming to terms with yourself. Just remember that dating a scumbag is not a reflection on you. You’re better than him and life goes on.

  14. FoxsNetwork February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    Why are the both of you fighting over a loser? Plus, thankfully you didn’t even meet him in person, and he’s half a world away.

  15. surena_taro February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    I feel so much for you. This was also how it panned out with my ex. Same thing, LDR, but he got relocated after 5 months in and started seeing someone right after he went back to work from spending a weekend with me back in our city. And the girl? Same thing, brutal. Said they’d continue, and they were engaged etc literally destroy me. And my ex said the same thing. She’s no where anything like me. That I was Hehe most amazing girl. It’ll take a while to move on and accept it. But you’ll get through it. The girl is really foolish and probably possessive in the most unhealthiest ways. It’s just toxic. Cheer up. You’ll find someone better. I always thought my ex was the one, but now after 3 months of breaking up, I’m really starting to properly move on. So you’ll be fine.

  16. Laksflas February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    This whole situation hits close to home, I understand how you feel

  17. wangomangotango February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    I was in this situation. I was the other girl who stayed. Granted, I didn’t know about his other girlfriend. When I found out I was devastated. But he said all the right things and I was naive so I took him back after a week. Take it from me, it’s not going to work. He will continue to be a scumbag and she will always doubt the relationship and wonder if he’s actually being faithful. Cut your losses here. Block him, erase his number and move on. It hurts now but it will get better.

  18. Altalternateacct February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    This woman wants to be with someone who literally told her he wants to be with her because she’s convenient and you deserve better, implying she does not. She has zero respect for herself and she chose to view this as a “victory” when really it’s a pathetic failing. I am sorry she taunted you, and i want you to know she is gross, but essentially she’s bragging about being told she’s just the easy option who deserves the treatment she’s gotten. You should feel sorry for her.

  19. Mindgate February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    He chose her, because he could have her. You wouldn’t have him back, which was the right decision. He is not worth your time and she is an idiot, thinking he’ll stop now once he realized he can get away with it.

  20. smegheadgirl February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    Girl, he chose her because she gave him an option and you didn’t. it was obvious to him that if he had chosen you, you would have told him to go stuff himself. Good for you.

    He knew that she would take him back. She’s an idiot and one of the very first thing he will do is cheating on her again as soon as he has an option to do it.

    I know it hurts, but good for you to treat that matter as a mature person. Forget those two, they’re as stupid as each other. This will end in tears for them, but that’s not your problem anymore.

    You’ll find someone great who will respect you I’m sure! In the meanwhile, just be on your own if you need it, or have fun if that’s what you want. And celebrate every day the massive bullet you just dodged!

  21. Cukimonster February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    Be mad at him. What he did was awful and wrong, and anger is a natural emotion. Then be sad, because it hurts and being sad is ok. But you should delete him from everything, and please don’t look. It will only hurt more and make the healing take longer. Find something to distract you. A new game, hobby, whatever that will help you not to think about him so much. This will likely not help for long periods at first, but will usually make the breaks from it longer and longer.

  22. OldTimer85 February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    I know you sure don’t feel like it now but he did you a HUGE favor. A golden rule of relationships is that you should never fight others for the affections for the one you like. Even if he had dumped her for you in the future he would have screwed you over anyway in another situation or over another girl. Considering the girls behavior I’m sure he’ll eventually get fed up with her. I hope this is a small comfort to you.

  23. theblonde07 February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    I’m sorry for your pain. I hope you never put yourself in the position of the pick me game again. You are worth much more than that!

  24. bradleon February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    Do not ask a thief if he/she stole something. Anyway, I think that one of the points of going thru a bf/gf relationship is to see if it will work out or not. No signed papers so it’s one less complication. Charge it to experience.

  25. dragondoot February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    So sorry for your crappy relationship, if you guys are in different countries and he already had a local girlfriend then he is 100% an asshole for leading you on as long as he did.

    I’m sorry, hopefully you’ll find a local guy who will love you properly

  26. DirtySilvir February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    Not sure if I’m understanding this correctly… he was on a 3 way call with you both and told you that he was only picking her because she was closer?! What the fuck. They’re both idiots. Block him on everything and work on moving on. Let her “have” him. He isn’t worth it and she’s going to feel ridiculous when they finally do split.

  27. WenisInFurs February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    Ugh they sound like they were made for each other. You deserve way better than that. Best wishes!

  28. my-little-wonton February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    It won’t be too long before he does it to her again. At least you got away from a horrible person and a liar!

  29. TheDevilsAardvark February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    Lol they deserve each other. And you deserve none of that nonsense.

  30. CanadianFemale February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    You have every right to feel angry and hurt. Please don’t have any more contact with this guy – he is the kind of person who feeds off hurting and manipulating people.

    To maintain your own self respect, block him completely and do what you can to keep your mind off the situation. Just keep reminding yourself that this is not about you – this is about him being a terrible person. And that other poor girl clearly has zero self worth to take him back and try to be mean to you. This is not your fault, you didn’t deserve this, and it has nothing to do with your value as a woman or a girlfriend. Sometimes bad people cross our paths, and we learn how to spot those bad people so we can avoid them next time.

    Feel the hurt in your heart, and notice the sensations in your body – just let the hurt emotions pass over you like a wave. Watch them as they flow over you, and they will pass. The emotion might come back 100 times, but if you just breathe and watch it, sending yourself love, you’ll see that each individual wave of pain actually only lasts for a short time (less than 90 seconds, generally).

    So painful. You will get through this.

  31. ollieastic February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    Hey, I just want to say that you seem like a really nice and awesome person–I hope that you come to realize just how great you are. Because this guy wasn’t even worth your time. No person who treats you this way will be.

    I know that you say that you don’t have much you can do right now, but get creative, try and put together a plan. Check out community colleges or your local city classes, they’re both surprisingly cheap and often do financial aid (especially for community college). There are a ton of free university courses online, check out edx or class central.

    As for your relationship with your family, just remember that there’s a reason that you moved somewhere new. It’s ok to set aside certain traditional things in pursuit of making your own life.

  32. throwawayyolonot February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    He’s a spineless loser and so is that girl. They deserve each other as much as you deserve to find an actual caring significant other that can really care about you.

  33. stylesm11 February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    Man, even if getting with your old babysitter is some fantasy i don’t think that’s how you go about it

  34. gardeniagray February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    The other girl won a great prize; a cheating boyfriend. Consider yourself lucky. I’m sorry you’re hurting, but you’re coming out on top of this.

  35. tamiaredguard February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    I’d still tell everyone what he did. Anyone else who might wind up dating him needs a heads up. Who knows if you and her were even the only two??

  36. germiwermi February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    its totally valid to be mad at him but it isnt a sign of weakness if youre not. you’re moving on, theres nothing weak about that.

  37. puppies6uui February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    I know it hurts, but eventually you’ll be glad he chose her. He’s a piece of shit and doesn’t deserve you whatsoever. I went through this with an ex and I know how they make you feel crazy for thinking something is up. Now that I’m with someone else, I can’t believe I ever put up with all his bullshit. Message me if you need to talk, I know how much it sucks to be cheated on.

  38. Floweringpooops February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    Damn… those two deserve each other. You deserve much better than what either of them can offer a partner

  39. iSoReddit February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    > That I was amazing and there’s no comparison between me and her or anyone.

    I’m sure he said this to her too. I think the lesson her is to avoid such long distance relationships.

  40. HanabinoOto February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    From your comments, it sounds like you really need to post in /r/raisedbynarcissists to get some advice on how to stop your parents from ruining your life.

    Parents like yours will keep you a child forever. THere is no age when they will give up control of you, so unless you want to be trapped in their house at 50 years old, that means that you have to forcefully take control.

    THat is REALLY scary for someone whose parents have prevented her from picking up life skills and a social circle. It means careful planning. It means getting financial security in discreet ways. RBN has good advice on this.

  41. UnsureThrowaway975 February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    Well, good riddance to him.

    I would like to point out that in your entire description of his reaction to you confronting him, no where was there an acknowledgement of how he hurt you. It was all about him. Even things like “You’re too good for me” are such a cop out! It puts the blame on you instead of him taking responsibility for his own actions.

    You do not deserve to be saddled with someone who can’t commit to basic honesty and doesn’t take responsibility for himself.

  42. belladonnadiorama February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    > But then when he called later I told him I won’t do anything to hurt him, in any way and that I forgave him. He’ll probably think I’m too weak to do anything but I don’t even want to have to hate him anymore. Idk if that was the right thing to do or not, I did. And we didn’t even get to say goodbye 🙂

    Me personally, I’d put him on blast. He didn’t give a shit about your feelings, why should you give a shit about his?

  43. lurker2080 February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    Did you ever actually meet with him physically? Cause honestly this all sounds weird to me. I almost wonder if this was some weird catfishing game him and his girlfriend like to play on people for fun. Not many people I know would have like a conference call to decide who their gonna stay with. Seems like a way for him and his girlfriend to lead girls on for fun. Wouldn’t be surprised if she’s doing it as well.

  44. jhandz23 February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    Wait, an affair? Are you married or engaged to your SO?

  45. Nerdteacherperson February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    So. I was your boyfriend for the past 6 months more or less. I know. I’m horrible, scum, and pathetic.
    Leave him. Tell her to leave him too. I am literally insane, I’m sure he lied as much as I did to both of them. You don’t want to be with someone like me

  46. Druidys February 12, 2018 / 6:10 pm

    Did you ever even meet your boyfriend in person? Seems like this was barely a relationship at all.

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